James Weir: Common sense has been cancelled in iso boredom

Kyle copped it for the least controversial thing he has ever said. And it’s a sign that the problem is with everyone but him.

Kyle Sandilands copped it this week for what’s probably the most earnest and inoffensive thing he has ever said.

Why? Because we are officially bored.

We thought we were bored weeks ago, but really we had no idea what boredom was. There were episodes of Ozark and that Michael Jordan doco to plough through. And when we weren’t procrastinating over work, we were procrastinating over exercise. Then, if we were looking for an afternoon pep-up, we’d saunter down to Coles and pick a fight with a random nan in the toilet paper aisle. See! There was lots to do.

But this week we became officially bored. And as the old adage goes: idle hands are the Twitter trolls’ playthings.

We’ve been cancelling people all over the place. It’s our new favourite hobby.

Pretty soon, there’ll be no one left to cancel and our treasured new pastime will cease to exist. Then we’ll have to go back to watching TV shows, but there’ll be none to watch because we’ve cancelled everyone who makes them.

And then – I cannot stress this enough – we’ll have to actually work and exercise. Good god, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

What’s clear is people are just restless now. And if they see an opportunity for a pile on, they’re going for it because there’s literally nothing else to do.

The world has been trying to destroy Ellen for weeks now, all because some people reckon she’s a big meanie. Jimmy Fallon also got cancelled this week. Then an SBS sketch show. SBS! Who even watches SBS enough to be personally offended by it?

We wrote about coronarage in this column when the lockdowns first kicked off. Anger has been buzzing around the world lately and it has increased the bizarre entitlement of some people who think they can just demand everyone fall in line with their own personal view. It really went into overdrive with the Kyle stuff.

Honestly, this backlash was confusing.

Why were people even annoyed?

Some folks got enraged because they reckon they got clickbaited into watching Karl Stefanovic’s 60 Minutes interview with Kyle and Jackie O. And in the days that followed, Kyle made a gag to lighten a more personal confession about his mental health and, all of a sudden, there were cries for him to be yanked off radio.

“My message is, when you’re feeling sad, tell no one,” he joked on-air after expressing mock-annoyance at all the concerned phone calls he had received from friends after talking about his struggles.

The joke he made would’ve been understood by all of his listeners who know his sense of humour. Ironically, it only became potentially dangerous when it was snipped up and taken out of context and spread to others who didn’t know the full story.

It’s all very exhausting. Context and nuance aren’t considered in a pile-on.

Perhaps the most outrageous sign of our restlessness is the soap opera feud we’ve manufactured between Gladys Berejiklian and Annastacia Palaszczuk.

“The just don’t like each other,” snipped a former political insider to The Australian Financial Review. And just like that, we were gifted a bitter rivalry to follow during the pandemic.

Apparently Gladys is our new TV villain.

To be honest, I like to imagine the catalyst for their feud is the same as Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton’s. A source revealed in a Tatler interview the royal beef stems back to Meghan’s wedding when a fight broke out over whether the bridesmaids should wear tights. And so, tights-gate was born.

A pair of tights brought down the monarchy and, if my dreams come true, a pair of tights might also bring down two state governments.

Anyway, that’s how thirsty for drama we are. There are no ridiculous dating shows on at the moment – no drunken fights or cheating scandals to watch unfold. So we’re pitting premiers against each other in the hope Gladys does something to Annastacia’s toothbrush, like on MAFS.

Who else can we take down? No one’s safe right now.

Big Ted from Play School seems like a jerk. Let’s annihilate him!

And the Cash Cow on Sunrise has been taking the piss for way too long. He’s cancelled.

Maggie Beer needs to be taken down a peg. The woman got us addicted to overpriced burnt fig ice cream and now I can barely afford my rent. The government should step in and warn the public against the destructive nature of the products that broad’s peddling. She’s destroying homes and waistlines.

Obviously Poh has to go. She’s stealing everyone’s thunder on MasterChef with her undeniably radiant presence.

Oh, don’t forget about Hamish Blake’s babies. They’re too cute and I don’t trust babies who have more Instagram followers than me. It was nice knowing you, Hamish’s babies! Ya cancelled.

And Alf Stewart! Wait, he’s fictional. Doesn’t matter! Let’s get him!

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir