Dave Hughes undergoes ‘surprise’ vasectomy

DAVE Hughes has tackled the ultimate male taboo and got a vasectomy. The twist? The appointment was a surprise from his wife.

Dave Hughes has ‘surprise’ vasectomy

I GOT a text the other day from a surgery reminding me of an appointment that I hadn’t booked.

I soon found out my wife had booked it — and it was for a vasectomy.

Dutifully, I turned up. Because sometimes three is more than a crowd with children.

Now, ten days after that appointment, I’ve deactivated the baby maker. I’ve put the safety on. No more “bang bang”.

I’m not wearing adult diapers — but I am wearing some kind of cloth nappy. I can’t remember them putting it on me and it’s probably good I missed the humiliation.

We have three kids — six-year-old Rafferty, four-year-old Sadie and two-year-old Tess — and it was about a year ago my beautiful wife Holly started dropping hints.

She planted the seed and watered it almost daily — and it grew into a tree that couldn’t be denied.

Part of the issue is that I work a lot — I’m the hunter and gatherer. I was out there being the bread winner — and there’s plenty of times she said to me, “We’ve got enough bread, mate”.

When I was travelling, doing comedy gigs, I’d keep getting text messages from her saying, “The kids aren’t asleep yet ...” And then she’d end the text with “#SnipSnip”.

I’d seen my brothers-in-law getting them years ago and thought, “That’s not for me”.

But once your partner brings it up, it gets to the point where you think, “If I don’t get it done professionally, she’ll probably do it herself at home — and she’ll go safety first and take the whole lot off.”

Over the past week leading up to the procedure, my co-host on the KIIS FM Drive show Kate Langbroek has been encouraging people to call up and tell us how their vasectomies went wrong.

We got lots of calls telling about swelling and bursting — huge pain and all sorts of carry on.

One lady rang up and told how her husband’s stitches broke and had to be restitched and when he got home his man bits looked like lady bits.

But we also got a lot of guys ringing up and saying when they got it done they just had a local anaesthetic and rode their bikes home — all the tough guys out there.

I don’t know why guys feel like it will emasculate them. Obviously there’s a tiny part where you think, “I’m never going to make a baby again”. It’s slightly sad, let’s not deny that.

It feels so final — you can have reversals, but it’s better if you have it done soon after the snip, apparently.

I’m very lucky to have three lovely children and a beautiful wife. Obviously having more babies puts more pressure on her than me so I’m absolutely happy to respect the fact she’s happy with three.

For easy access during the procedure, you can either shave yourself down or let the doctor do it.

I thought their time was too valuable for that, so last night I shaved my bits down for the first time … it was quite confronting.

I nicked myself a few times and probably sustained more injuries than I did from the procedure.

Afterwards, my wife had to come in with the dustpan and broom.

And then we had one “final stand” ...

While getting ready for the surgery this morning, the kids asked me, “What are you doing, Daddy?”

I told them, “I’m going somewhere so your inheritance will be diluted no further.”

One day they’ll thank daddy.

The whole thing in the end was painless. And the last thing I remember was the anaesthetist talking about Bruce Jenner and his procedure. I thought, “What’s going on here?!”

It was easy — I went to sleep and it was all over in about 30 minutes probably.

Honestly, the pain now isn’t really that bad — on a scale of one to ten, it’s probably one right now. But I’ll probably put it on to get some more sympathy.

I slightly regret there’ll be no more little Hughesys created in the world. But it means the kids get their own bedrooms forever now — so hopefully they’ll learn to sleep there instead of coming into mum and dad’s bedroom.

To be honest, I’m more concerned with how long I’ll be out of action for.

I had a slightly embarrassing conversation with the doctor and asked him, “So when are we right to ‘go’”.

He told me I probably won’t feel like it for a while.

Obviously he doesn’t know me too well, to be honest.

Let’s give it a week.

Tune into Hughesy & Kate from 4pm on the KIIS network.