Game of Thrones recap: Season five, episode five

SPOILER ALERT. Different people deal with their problems in different ways. This woman has decided to deal with hers by marrying someone she despises.

THIS story is dark and full of spoilers. You’ve been warned.

A weird marriage proposal, an awkward dinner party and one very sad development for the best new bromance on television. All that and more in this week’s Game of Thrones recap. Read on ...

Last week’s recap

Daenerys chooses to honour the formidable memory of her fallen advisor, Barristan the Old, by ignoring the most important piece of advice he ever gave her. She rounds up a bunch of rich guys in dresses, takes them to her poorly-, suspensefully-lit dungeon, and allows her dragons to burn one of the men alive before tearing him apart and eating him for din-dins.

“Every parent has a signature dish for her children. Mine is roast human.”

This happens mere days after Barristan’s big lecture about the Mad King’s perverse fondness for pyrotechnics. What part of the lesson was unclear, Daenerys? The “burning people is crazy” part or the “burning people will make everyone hate your guts” part?

The reinstatement of death by dragon fire as a valid legal penalty isn’t her only policy backflip either; for someone who so smugly claimed “I’m not a politician” a few episodes ago, she’s certainly acting like one. Daenerys decides she will, in fact, reopen the fighting pits. And she’ll attempt to make peace with the nobles of Meereen by marrying her pet diplomat, Hizdahr zo Loraq, because if five-and-a-half seasons have taught us anything it’s that weddings are always a good idea.

This plan should Maximus her chances of staying in power.

Speaking of which, over in Winterfell, Ramsay’s favourite booty call Miranda is jealous of his new fiancee, and understandably so. Who wouldn’t be cut up about losing first dibs on such a wonderful, surprisingly chiselled young ass? To spite him, Miranda leads Darth Sansa to Winterfell’s dog kennels, where she finds the smelly collection of chin stubble formerly known as Theon.

Apparently, Theon was supposed to be avoiding Darth Sansa’s notice, but Ramsay isn’t about to give his servant the sack (although Theon could use one). Instead, he forces Theon to look her in the eye at dinner and apologise for the barbaric murder of two innocent yet irrelevant little boys, who definitely weren’t her brothers.

“You don’t know the power of the dark side, Ramsay.”

Even Roose Bolton, he whose eyes are deader than a White Walker’s, feels Ramsay is being a bit of a prick to Theon. That has schlong been the case, of course, but now there’s a lady involved, and Roose is nothing if not chivalrous. He proceeds to prove that fact by explaining that Ramsay was conceived when Roose raped his mother beneath the swaying corpse of her recently hanged husband.

On the subject of conception, Roose’s wife is pregnant with a son, so another Bolton will soon be spreading joy, goodwill and flayed corpses across the land.

“The name’s Bolton. Roose Bolton.”

At Castle Black, Maester Aemon has a rather blunt piece of advice for Jon: “Kill the boy, and let the man be born.” Luckily, Jon doesn’t take that too literally, but his next move is still a dangerous one. With Grammar Nazi Stannis looking on and correcting everyone’s vernacular, Jon tells the Night’s Watch he intends to bring the remaining wildlings south of the Wall, where they shall be permitted to farm contentedly, but not pillage.

Granted, this plan does come with some undeniable benefits. If the wildlings are far enough south, they will not be transformed into zombies when winter finally, belatedly, eventually, at last, someday comes. But Jon’s sworn brothers react as though he’s just imposed a hefty new tax on black clothing.

Suddenly friendless, Jon prepares to lead his expedition beyond the Wall, and Stannis clearly has no interest in staying at Castle Black without the other half of his budding bromance. He uproots his army and heads south, for Winterfell.

“There will be no clothing tax under a Night’s Watch I lead.”

Anyway, never mind budding — a full-blown romance is flowering back in Meereen. Grey Worm, who impaled many enemies on his spear during the battle with the Harpies, is enjoying a sympathetic hospital visit from his crush, Missandei. One suspects he would very much like to impale her too, but that obviously isn’t going to happen, so he settles for a snog instead.

It’s a touching moment, but nothing can equal the beauty of two grizzled, grumpy, middle-aged men reciting ancient poetry together. Tyrion and Jorah do just that as they float through the ruins of Valyria, once the greatest city in the world, and now home to the menacing, greyscale-afflicted Stone Men. Distracted by the sight of Drogon flying overhead, the pair fail to notice a looming ambush.

“Jorah, those guys are made of freaking stone and they’re still not as hardened by life as you.”

When Tyrion regains consciousness, Jorah is kneeling over him with a stony expression on his face. That’s appropriate, because Jorah is secretly carrying the first symptoms of greyscale himself.

Obviously, this storyline isn’t going to end well, so these guys should enjoy their time together while they can. Tyrion and Jorah — just a couple of bros, travelling the world and getting stoned. How idyllic.

We’ll be back with another recap next week. In the meantime, tell us what you thought of episode four in the comments section below, or on Twitter: @SamClench