Morbius review: There are worse things than being ‘ridiculous’

If the movie gods had any mercy, they would’ve killed off every character so they can never come back in a sequel.

If Morbius was actually ludicrous and outlandish, even in a bad way, it would be a step up.

Morbius wishes it was ludicrous and outlandish, because what it actually is – boring – is so much worse.

You never want to be a boring comic book movie.

Comic book movies can be many things, ranging from grim and dark to zany and caper-ish, but it needs to at least be entertaining. And Morbius is not entertaining.

Or it should have at least one character whose fate you care about. Morbius doesn’t have that either. If the movie gods had any mercy, they would’ve killed them all so they can never return for a sequel or crossover – no such luck, FYI.

Jared Leto in Moribus

A new entry into the burgeoning Sony/Marvel shared universe, Morbius exists in the same world as the two Venom movies starring Tom Hardy, which are now connected to the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies, which makes them tangentially related to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

But that’s all by the by, except the shuddering thought of one day, perhaps, Morbius having a chinwag with Thor. Ye gods.

Hmmm. Scienc-ing. Picture: Columbia

Michael Morbius (Leto) is a gifted doctor whose life ambition is to cure himself of a rare blood disorder that afflicts him and childhood best friend Milo (Matt Smith). The illness renders him and Milo physically impaired, gaunt and with a death sentence hanging over them.

Along with doctor/love interest Martine Bancroft (Adria Arjona), he embarks on a dangerous experiment of splicing human and bat DNA. Of course it goes wrong and he turns into vampire, one which needs a blood infusion every few hours but can stroll around in the sun.

His newfound powers stir desperation and envy in Milo, just as Michael contends with his new physical strength, and the cost it comes with, that of being a monster.

Jared Leto deserves better than this, we all do. Picture: Columbia

Never before has Jared Leto turned in such an unmemorable performance, one that which allows his cartoonish House of Gucci effort seem inspired by comparison. Is it Leto’s fault? Not even. You can lay that blame at the feet of screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless and director Daniel Espinosa. And just to spread the blame, the producers too.

The script and direction is so bland that even Leto couldn’t inject any charm, menace or a skerrick of personality into a character that’s supposed to be a conflicted genius-vampire-hero.

Michael’s whole tortured journey is as shaded as a California boulevard lined with palm trees.

Matt Smith in Morbius. Picture: Columbia

Elsewhere, the writing is stiff and full of exposition, and no one bothered to make it frightening or bloody.

The action sequences are barely discernible as it leans into the whole they’re-so-fast-they’re-just-whiffs-of-smoke effect, which quickly becomes tiresome when it’s the only trick in the book.

The bat scenes are derivative of Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, and even conjures up long-repressed memories of 1998 stinker Bats.

And it appears as if the production ran out of visual effects money and dug up a floppy disk with the old vamp face filter from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s first season.

Morbius was originally due to be released in mid-2020 and it’s shocking the studio didn’t take the extra time to punch it up. Or, here’s a scary thought, what if they did and this was the best they could do. Now, that’s truly monstrous.

Rating: 1/5

Morbius is in cinemas now