Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode six

SPOILER ALERT. Blink and you’ll miss them. A couple of brief moments in yesterday’s Game of Thrones episode were almost certainly buried clues.

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will reveal more secrets than a vision with Bloodraven.

If you haven’t watched episode six yet, consider yourself banished by order of King Tommen.

Last week’s recap: The Door

NORTH OF THE WALL

Thanks to the magic of printscreen, we can actually make some sense of those trippy visions flashing through Bran’s head. There are plenty of interesting scenes from the past, including Jaime’s famous assassination of the Mad King. But two moments deserve particular attention.

In the first, we see young Ned Stark’s hand — note the distinctive wristguard — covered in blood. That appears to be a continuation of the Tower of Joy scene, and it supports the dominant theory about what happened to Ned’s sister.

The second sequence shows a huge blast of wildfire, presumably underneath King’s Landing. And that’s intriguing, because while the Mad King was pretty keen to burn down the city, he never got the chance. Is this a scene from the future? Will Cersei finally snap and decide to “burn them all”?

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Not sure the Tower of Joy is living up to its name here.

Fan theories are about to spread like wildfire.

We never find out, because Bran wakes up to see a very puffed Meera panicking and a bunch of wights closing in around them. This time, there isn’t a conveniently placed door at which to sacrifice a sweet, kind-hearted character for the greater good. This time they’re toast.

Oh wait, no they’re not, because Bran’s missing uncle Benjen is suddenly alive and ready to ride in at the most dramatically effective moment. His entrance is about as awesome as you’d expect, given he’s had five seasons to rehearse it.

Uncle Benjen needs some really, really good moisturiser.

Benjen isn’t looking too good these days, which is understandable, because a White Walker stabbed him in the gut. Then the children of the forest saved his life by stabbing his heart with dragonglass. So, to reiterate, Benjen almost died because he was stabbed, and then he came back to life because he was stabbed. It makes perfect sense.

Anyway, Benjen predicts the Night’s King “will find his way to The Wall”, where Bran will be waiting for him. Then the two of them can battle each other in an epic confrontation, kind of like Cartman and those psychics in South Park.

HORN HILL

Think Meet The Parents, but funnier, and set in Westeros. That is Sam and Gilly’s storyline this week.

Sam is back on dry land, but he’s swapped seasickness for feeling generally sick to his stomach at the prospect of reuniting with his father Randyll, who literally threatened to kill him when they were last together. It’s a complicated relationship.

Actually, no it isn’t. Sam’s dad is a dick. It’s that simple. Exhibit A: When Sam asks for more food at dinner, Randyll’s response is: “Not fat enough already?”

“Hey dad, this meat’s too tough. Just like you.”

As the old bastard starts to systematically emasculate Sam, Gilly snaps. “He killed a Thenn. He killed a White Walker ... he’s a greater warrior than you will ever be,” she says. Sadly, in the process, she reveals she’s a wildling, and Randyll doesn’t like that. I’m starting to get the impression that Randyll doesn’t like anything.

He points to the family heirloom on the wall — a Valyrian steel sword, which is considerably more impressive than the tea towells I stand to inherit — and tells Sam he’ll never get his hands on it. Sure enough, Sam nicks it mere hours later while bolting from the castle, with Gilly and little Sam in tow.

“Hey fatty. Fatty. Fatty. Fatty fatty fat fat. You’re fat, fatty.”

KING’S LANDING

Before we get to the serious stuff, let’s take a moment to appreciate Mace Tyrell’s glorious featherhelmet.

Arise, Lord Peacock.

Exquisite.

Sadly, that’s as good as it gets for Mace, Jaime and the Tyrell army behind them, because they’ve been utterly outmanoeuvred by the High Sparrow.

Just as Jaime is name-dropping Tommen and threatening to get all stabby, the boy wonder himself toddles out of the Great Sept and announces a new partnership between the crown and the faith. After a little manipulation from Margaery, he’s now on the High Sparrow’s side.

“You know, I’ve already killed one mad king,” Jaime says. In my head.

So yes, Jaime and Mace have beaten a man who wears filthy rags in the battle for fashion dominance, but they have lost the war for King’s Landing.

“Wish I had a cool featherhelmet.”

Jaime did just threaten to murder a bunch of people, so Tommen strips him of his position on the Kingsguard and banishes him from the city. Somewhere in Westerosi hell, Tywin sheds a tear of joy. His son can breed again! Then Cersei sends Jaime off to besiege Riverrun, sparing a few moments to further reinforce the couple’s siege mentality.

“We’re the only two people in the world,” Cersei says. She knows that’s demonstrably false, right?

“Fish fingers.”

THE TWINS

Speaking of the Riverlands, Filch still isn’t dead, and he’s angry at his sons for losing Riverrun.

“You’ve lost it? It’s a castle, not a bloody sheep. Two weeks’ detention in the Forbidden Forest for you,” he snarls.

It turns out hapless old Edmure Tully has survived all this time as well, and he’ll now serve as a Frey hostage. What a hero. They’ll sing songs about that man one day.

“Get that castle back before I die of oldness.”

BRAAVOS

Today the troupe of actors is performing its version of the Red Wedding, which portrays Joffrey as a pretty good guy. To be fair, the longer Tommen sits on the Iron Throne, the more I miss the little psychopath.

Arya almost blows her cover by laughing at Joffrey’s death, and then by stopping to give her assassination target acting advice on the way out. Here’s a word of advice for Arya: traditionally, serial killers take a second look at the scene of the crime after their victim is dead.

“Do you like pretending to be other people?” Lady Crane asks, perhaps recognising a bad actor when she sees one.

“Maybe you should pretend to be someone who doesn’t want to poison innocent people for a living.”

The actors squabble backstage while Lady Crane inches the poisoned rum towards her lips. Then away. Then back to her mouth again. Then onto the table. Then back to the lips. Finally, Arya bursts back in and knocks it out of her hand. Another free tip, Arya: usually serial killers do actually kill their targets.

Having foiled her own assassination attempt, Arya flees and retrieves Needle, knowing the faceless men will come after her. A girl is ready.

“A man was looking forward to wearing Lady Crane’s face.”

ESSOS

Dany needs a thousand ships. Guess who’s building a thousand ships right now!? Euron Greyjoy. Oh my god, this crackpot marriage plan of his could actually work.

The one thing Dany does not need, however, is dragons, because Drogon has returned to her. Which means it’s time for her to deliver the best damn team pep talk since Remember the Titans.

Translation: LET’S PLAY SOME FOOTBALL.

We’ll be back next week with a recap of episode seven. In the meantime, you can discuss this week’s revelations in the comments section below.