Kate Iselin writes: What are the ‘rules’ for relationships?

AFTER one woman took relationship rule-setting to the extreme, Kate Iselin detailed her own version which concerns itself with self-care independence and honesty.

The 10 Core Relationship Rules. Picture: iStock

EVERYONE has rules for how they approach relationships.

Whether it’s confirming that your partner wants (or doesn’t want) kids before you tie the knot with them, or making sure that your beau is going to let you take over the TV for a few hours every week for your reality TV binge; there are certain things that are — understandably — non-negotiable when it comes to love.

One woman took relationship rule-setting to the extreme, creating a twenty-two point list of must-nots that her boyfriend must follow.

Although the list has been floating around on social media for a while, a Twitter user shared it this week with the caption, ‘Some poor guy traded in his car and he had a contract from his girlfriend in it’.

Poor guy indeed: although the tweet has since been deleted the list lives on in infamy, and contains such rules as, “You’re NOT to look at a single girl”, “If girls come up to you at any place or any time you are to WALK away”, “If I say ‘jump’ you say ‘how high princess’”, and eerily, “If I catch you around girls I kill you :)”.

It’s an extreme and undeniably creepy example, but it got me thinking about the kind of rules I follow in relationships.

Some of these are things I’ve realised for myself after doing everything the absolute wrong way, while others are things I’ve come to learn after many nights at work in a brothel playing counsellor to clients.

The contract of 'relationship rules' that's gone viral. Picture: Twitter

Take this not as the advice of someone who has a happy husband, but as someone who’s slept with plenty of unhappy ones …

1. Stop playing it cool

I can’t believe that, for so long, we have affected airs of disinterest with people we’re genuinely attracted to — and thought that we had the right idea! Listen, nobody’s saying you need to message your crush a hundred times a day to remind them how hot you think they are — that’s a really bad idea — but if you like someone, make it known. Compliment them, plan a date, lean in for the kiss. It’s 2018, our planet’s climate is on the fast track to destruction, and we’re still waiting three days to send a text after a perfect first date? I don’t think so.

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2. Always make your own money

Did you hear about the girl who met a billionaire, fell in love, and lived happily ever after with a fat bank account and a fresh wad of hundreds in her purse every day? Me neither: it never happened. It’s fun to fantasise that one day a sugar daddy (or sugar mama) will come along to sweep us off our feet, but sadly, capitalism makes the world go ‘round and anyone who controls your access to money also controls you. By all means share expenses and make big purchases together, but ensure you have a bank account that’s yours and yours alone. If things should ever go pear-shaped you don’t want to have to ask your main squeeze for your credit card back before you hit the road.

3. People aren’t projects

If I had a dollar for every time I sat across the table from a friend who gushed about how fantastic their new lover was going to be as soon as they got a job, moved out of the caravan in their parents’ driveway, or cut their weird janky toenails, I’d be able to retire to a beach in Thailand today. Supporting your partner as they work to improve their life and better themselves is great, but taking on a person in the hopes you can change and mould them in to the partner you’ve always dreamt of is not. If you meet someone you like but can’t picture yourself with them unless they undergo a complete life makeover, move on and find someone else: you’re falling in love, not trying to win The Block.

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4. Don’t forget your friends

There’s nothing more frustrating for a single person than when their friends start coupling up and become unable to do anything solo ever again. If you have a serious partner you should absolutely be a part of each others’ friendship groups, but make sure you’re still spending time alone with your mates: after all, they’ve been around for longer than your new beau has, and both they and you deserve to maintain the strong bonds you had before you fell in love.

5. Don’t get their name tattooed on you!

For obvious reasons. Nothing is forever except poorly-considered tattoos.

6. Stop comparing your sex life

Despite what women’s magazines, men’s magazines, and porn might have you think, there’s no one-size-fits-all recipe for a fulfilling sex life. Don’t let yourself think that your relationship is lacking just because another couple is having a dozen orgasms a night while swinging from the chandelier: you might be happy with a quickie once a month or, hey, you might never be keen for sex. The only people whose opinions should matter about the sex you’re having is those of the people you’re having sex with.

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7. Don’t stop taking care of yourself …

… but do it for you, not for them. After six months in a relationship it’s super easy to start skipping those gym classes, stop getting your hair done once a month, or even forget about that mental health app you have on your phone; but these are absolutely the things that you should keep doing! Investing time and effort in to your health and wellbeing is vital not because you have some standard of behaviour or appearance to maintain for your partner, but because you have a quality of life to maintain for yourself.

8. No second chances

I’m not advocating leaving your boyfriend because he forgot to hang up his wet towel, or dumping your girlfriend for leaving a dirty plate in the sink. I’m talking about the big stuff. If your partner goes out of their way to do something that they know will hurt you and damage your trust in them beyond repair, you are under absolutely no obligation to stick around and personally, I would suggest that you leave. A broken heart isn’t part of your love story, it’s the end of it.

9. Forget monogamy and focus on honesty

I know heaps of people who’ve never been unfaithful to their partner, but only a few who’ve never been tempted. It might sound super appealing to be with someone who’ll want you and only you for the rest of eternity, but it’s unrealistic to expect that your partner — or you — won’t ever experience attraction to another, even if it’s fleeting. Instead of creating a relationship in which unflinching monogamy is demanded from both parties at all times, allow yourselves to be honest with each other and discuss attractions and urges if they arise. You might find that once you talk about it, the temptation vanishes as quickly as it appeared.

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10. Be kind!

Chivalry might be dead, but kindness doesn’t have to be. Little gestures like pulling out your partner’s chair at a restaurant or opening the door for them aren’t items that you tick off a list on your way to a successful date; they’re ways to show someone that you care about them and value their comfort, and they don’t have to be gendered. Kindness is free and it can be the simplest, most effortless thing in the world: lust can fade and love takes a while to fall in to, but you can always, always be kind.

— Kate Iselin is a writer and sex worker. Continue the conversation on Twitter @kateiselin