Johnny Depp, Amber Heard trial: Ridiculous reality behind court circus

The Johnny Depp trial has captivated the world. And it’s become so ridiculous that it’s replaced one of our favourite pastimes.

Reality TV has gone back to where it all began: celebrity court cases.

Move over, Kardashians because Johnny Depp is now the star.

The eccentric actor is giving the performance of a lifetime in his defamation trial against former partner, Amber Heard, who he’s suing for $70 million over an article she wrote in which she claimed to be a victim of domestic abuse. She’s countersuing for almost $140 million.

And thanks to a live stream that’s beaming footage out onto the internet from inside the Virginia courtroom, the world has been tuning in like it’s a supercharged season of Married At First Sight and SAS Australia all rolled into one.

It ticks all the criteria boxes for a reality TV juggernaut – exposed secrets, dramatic accusations, blindsiding. If it were being broadcast in a prime time weeknight timeslot on Channel 9, we all would’ve signed an online petition by now to have it pulled from the air because there’s so much emotional and psychological torment going on.

Eight-hour video streams showing each day of the trial are racking up close to ten million views each. People are captivated. And Johnny has never worked harder. If he committed to a movie the way he’s committing to this court appearance, he’d finally have an Oscar.

Johnny Depp channelling some Captain Jack Sparrow.

Let’s be honest: The guy genuinely thinks he’s a pirate. It’s like his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise never ended. It’s been five years since the last movie, but he’s still wearing the raggedy costumes and the tacky jewellery.

He’s this-close to getting a peg leg. If doctors let him, he’d probably replace both his hands with metal hooks.

The pirate obsession is real. It’s like when you see a lady who loves the colour red so much that it becomes her entire personality. It’s what she’s known for. She’s got red hair, red nails, red glasses, red clothes and shoes. And of course she’s also got a red car.

In a way, you’ve gotta admire someone who really commits to their infatuation.

On the witness stand for four days this week, things got even kookier for Captain Jack Sparrow. He started picking at a mountain of jelly beans that he’d stashed on the desk. And then out came his colouring book, which he proceeded to scribble in. Watching on the video stream, we were all waiting for him to say to the judge, “Yarrr, matey! Wanna see my doodles?”

A close-up of Johnny’s artwork.

Johnny wears the buried treasure he has found.

Along with photos of drugs and alcohol being shown in court, Johnny was asked by his ex’s lawyer if he drank whiskey in the mornings.

“Isn’t happy hour any time?” he replied.

The courtroom antics make Johnny seem like someone who has drank too many vodka sodas and is now trying to charm the bouncer into letting him back into the nightclub.

We haven’t seen a circus like this since Michael Jackson’s 2005 child molestation trial, where the King Of Pop showed up late for court appearances while wearing pyjamas and climbed on the roof of his car to dance as frenzied fans cheered.

Johnny’s fans are also out in force, holding giant cardboard signs emblazoned with supportive slogans and booing Amber when she exits the courthouse like they’re audience members at a Big Brother eviction in 2003.

Coincidentally, across the country in an LA courtroom, reality TV royalty has also been embroiled in a $140 million defamation trial with the Kardashian-Jenner family fighting a lawsuit brought against them by Rob Kardashian’s ex-fiancee Blac Chyna.

But unlike the Depp trial, Kardashian Kourtroom hasn’t been video streamed for our personal entertainment.

It’s a shame. The very beginning of reality TV can be traced back to one mammoth celebrity court case: O.J. Simpson and the Trial Of The Century that ultimately saw the football star acquitted of murder charges in 1995. The daily proceedings were broadcast across America and ended with a staggering 150 million viewers tuning in.

Producers on The Bachelor and Married At First Sight dream of pulling in that kind of audience.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir