Joe Hildebrand in Stellar Magazine: Celebrities are the immaculately chiselled Greek gods of our age

The whole point of celebrities is that “they’re not normal people. If they were, we wouldn’t need them,” writes Joe Hildebrand.

It’s a funny thing being caught with another woman.

When a regular guy does it, he gets a divorce letter.

When a celebrity does it, Oscars get thrown his way.

And so it was that Bradley Cooper helped Lady Gaga win her first Academy Award for dry-humping on a piano.

Or maybe it was Best Original Song — I forget the details.

What was remarkable is that Cooper’s significant other — I believe the traditional Hollywood title is “baby momma” — was watching the whole thing go down from the front row.

Many people marvelled that no normal person could possibly watch the love of their life almost impregnate another woman on a Steinway stool, but that’s the whole point of celebrities. They’re not normal people. If they were, we wouldn’t need them.

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Fans couldn’t help but notice Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s undeniable chemistry during their performance at the Oscars this year. Picture: Ed Herrera/Getty Images

Indeed, celebrities are the Greek gods of our age; a pantheon of immaculately chiselled nymphomaniacs who can do whatever they want without the normal human consequences.

The Hollywood Hills are today’s Mount Olympus.

And the colourful gossip mags that I clutch to my chest during every airport visit are the classical mythology that keeps them alive.

Far from the tabloid trash they are often derided as, they are like the legends of old passed down to us from generation to generation — or in this case from “trusted friend” to “sources close to the pair”.

These aren’t news stories, they are morality tales. Heroes must be praised and evildoers punished; the wronged must be avenged and the conflicted must find redemption.

Thus Chris Hemsworth is pictured literally basking in the warm glow of Byron Bay, while Angelina Jolie is always the haggard scheming stepmother.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt is constantly trying to find himself, Jennifer Aniston is constantly looking for love and Johnny Depp is constantly running out of money.

Is any of this true about the people involved?

Who cares! They’re not real people, not to us.

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Chris Hemsworth? Check. Glowing Byron Bay sunset? Check. Picture: Instagram

These days it is all too common for celebrities to pretend they are actually just like us.

Some might occasionally interrupt their perfect Instagram feed with “real pictures” — in which they still manage to look 98 times better than 98 per cent of us.

Many people say these celebrities are inspirational.

I say they should shut up and earn their money.

If I wanted to see someone fat and hairy, I’d visit my friend Darrin more often.

And if I wanted to hear someone talking about battling their personal demons, I’d go to that therapist my wife keeps telling me about, even though I don’t have a problem with alcohol.

Every shot of a glowing Hemsworth tells us that if you love your family, you will be happy, just as every breathless word about Brad’s heartache is a warning about the pain of losing it. Every glowing tribute to Jen is a consolation that even those unlucky in love are still loved by the world, and every detail of Depp’s decadence simply says don’t be a dick.

Just like Cooper and Gaga’s concocted love story, it doesn’t need to be real.

It only needs to be believed.

— This article originally appeared in Stellar and is reproduced here with permission.

— Stellar is available in today’s News Corp’s Sunday Telegraph, Sunday Herald Sun and Sunday Mail. For more information visit the website.

-Joe co-hosts Studio 10, 8.30am weekdays, on Network Ten and is Editor-at-large for News.com.au. Continue the conversation with on Twitter @Joe_Hildebrand