A very important update with James Weir

STEP ASIDE, Meghan. A week after the royal wedding, it’s time to ask a very important question.

AS THE wail of trumpets fades in Windsor and we all begin to wonder why we cared so much, it’s now an appropriate time to ask an urgent question: How can we Meghan Markle our way into the royal family?

Armed with nothing but a collection of edgy blazers and dating guide book The Rules, the Duchess of Sussex has proven it’s a total cinch to waltz into Buckingham Palace and never leave. We’ve graciously waited a week, and now Meghan’s old news. It’s time to hatch a plan.

Exclusive vision of the Duchess plotting her next move. Picture: Dominic Lipinski/WPA-Poo

With William and Harry taken, who’s left? Maybe a fringe royal. One who’s technically attached to the family tree but whose branch is a fair climb away. That’ll do. We’re also willing to accept other monarchies.

Next week, NW magazine will probably release a pullout chart featuring the faces of various single princes from around the globe. Hang it above your computer and use a red felt pen to mark it with crosses and circles as your mission develops.

The mission to Meghan Markle the next available prince is a worldwide game. The frontrunner is His Royal Highness Prince Abdul Mateen, the son of the Sultan of Brunei. His family is worth $26 billion but he’s just super down to earth and low-key.

Our wedding dress code: Gold leaf.

After selecting our target, we embark on phase two: initiating contact. Stage two is the most difficult. It’s hard to hurl your body over a palace moat without looking mildly desperate.

But once accomplished, it sets into motion stage three of securing an engagement within six months and stage four: #RoyalWedding2019.

A friend of a friend recently shared an expert tactic about marrying upwards. Desperate to secure someone rich, she paddleboarded around to Point Piper — Australia’s most wealthy waterfront suburb — and floated in front of the mansions on Wosley Road while swiping away on Tinder.

It’s genius. And I’ve been moored off the coast of Brunei ever since. See you on the waters.

STOP IT, YOU ARE

Receiving a compliment is terrifying because how do you respond without sounding like a wank and oh my god now all the attention is on you. This may help.

I’M LISTENING TO ...

Lots of things but it’s not clear who the artist is or what the song’s called and I’ve tried humming the melody into Shazam but the app must be broken.

At this week’s Billboard awards, it’s safe to say none of us knew who anyone was and we all just assumed everyone on stage was Demi Lovato.

Until JLo came on. We love JLo.

She’s got a new song out and it’s a collaboration with some rapper who isn’t Ja Rule and it’s not clear how this was approved. Anyway, we’ll take what we can get.

This is J.Lo doing ‘casual’ and I’m here for it. Picture: Mega

Intrigued by the media trainwreck that exploded this week, I imagine we all frantically downloaded the Wilosophy podcast. Honest confession: I came for the Em Rusciano drama and stayed for the Meshel Laurie wisdom.

Something I’m not listening to is the new Keith Urban album and I’m embarrassed that iTunes keeps suggesting it as something it thinks I would like. His lyrical sex confessions about Nicole are uncomfortable. The album cover also looks like it was created in Microsoft Word and there’s just no excuse.

Totally here for all the Em Rusciano drama.

STOP TRYING IMMEDIATELY

If you feel like Michelle Bridges is personally trolling you with her inspirational Instagram quotes, find solace in The Joy of Doing Just Enough: The Secret Art of Being Lazy and Getting Away with It by Jennifer McCartney.

It’s full of de-motivational theories like “deadlines are just suggestions” and “being busy is for idiots”. It’s the kind of precious tome we all need right now. Well, that and The Rules.

@hellojamesweir