James Weir recaps the inexcusable mess of the Logies 2018

THE Gold Logie announcement took everyone by surprise, and proved one big thing about our long-mocked awards show.

REINFORCING long-held opinion the Logies is nothing but a joke, Grant Denyer has won because of a joke, with the former Family Feud host taking home gold and robbing industry legends Tracy Grimshaw and Amanda Keller in the process.

As Australia wakes up to the news — because we usually fall asleep around the In Memoriam PowerPoint presentation — we’re shocked. Mildly. Mainly we’re shocked that we’re even giving the results a lick of thought. It’s very confronting.

We’ve never once cared about the annual awards. We always roll our eyes and treat it with the same amount of seriousness we give to the relationship of Julian Assange and Pamela Anderson. After all, the ceremony’s a joke and the winners are decided by old ladies who read TV Week.

Still, each year we go along for the ride and eat Pods and tweet about Richard Wilkins’ hair and then fall asleep on the couch with the lights on.

But shock has come because none of us predicted a sarcastic online campaign would derail the already-questionable voting process and see Grant Denyer crowned Gold Logie winner even after his show was axed due to poor ratings.

‘OH MY GOD, I WON! JESUS’: Grant’s surprise Gold Logie win

For weeks, Tracy Grimshaw and Amanda Keller were the favourites to win. They’re industry veterans, which sounds like I’m calling them old, but all I mean is they’re totally amazing at what they do and they’ve proven it. After Grimshaw’s interview with Don Burke last year, she deserves a newly invented fancy award.

And more importantly, out of all the nominees, it was Tracy Grimshaw who possessed the finest Big Dick Energy. If you haven’t heard, social hierarchy is now dictated by BDE. Channel 9’s Leila McKinnon was on the ground and witnessed the energy first hand. She told news.com.au she had to shield herself from the Big Dick Energy Grimshaw was wielding, along with that of Deborah Mailman and the Bondi Vet.

Deborah Mailman, Dr Chris Brown, Tracy Grimshaw.... boom 💥

— leilamckinnon (@leilamckinnon) July 1, 2018

But the Logies doesn’t operate under society’s BDE structure and Denyer won gold. He pulled off the heist at the eleventh hour during Sunday night’s broadcast. And by that, I mean his victory was secured at the last minute and the broadcast actually went for 11 hours.

The ceremony lasted longer than Denyer’s campaign to win the Gold Logie — which really only began just days before voting closed, thanks to comedian and ABC host Tom Gleeson, who launched the ironic call to action in jest.

Denyer is a totally lovely guy who knows how to smile wide and talk passionately. He had to deal with a lot of idiots on Family Feud. Most of the contestants reminded me of annoying customers I had to serve when I worked at a suburban Sunglass Hut.

He displays the kind of patience and positivity that makes him a wonderful TV host and an even better retail assistant.

But the win being secured after a push from a joke campaign proves why we don’t take the Logies seriously.

“Tom Gleeson, thanks,” Denyer said in his acceptance speech. “Sometimes in this country you need an angry redhead to get things done, and Pauline Hanson wasn’t available.”

The man responsible for ⁦@grantdenyer⁩ winning the Gold Logie, celebrating a hilarious win. ⁦@nonstoptom⁩ #Logies2018 pic.twitter.com/UQcTeZkoBr

— Virginia Trioli (@LaTrioli) July 1, 2018

Even Russell Crowe is irritated. So irritated he felt compelled to tweet about it before the ceremony kicked off. Probably while wearing that black tracksuit he wears everywhere.

“I’m sorry but I don’t agree with this. I know it’s a gag with good intentions on behalf of @grantdenyer but … if it’s Tracy Grimshaw’s year, or Amanda’s … wouldn’t it be s*** that a career defining landmark for them gets derailed by a ‘boys’ club’ gag … just saying,” he wrote.

I’ve corrected some of Russell’s grammatical mistakes because he texts like your mum. I don’t know why old people insist on putting a weird amount of gaps between words and commas. Anyway.

James Weir recaps the stars’ big issue with the Logies

Australia’s favourite television stars descended on the Gold Coast for the industry’s night of nights. Glitz! Glamour! The glitter strip hadn’t seen this much class and grace since Schoolies 2017.

“Live and dangerous!” was the tagline for the evening. At least, that’s what Shane Jacobson kept growling into the microphone during his excruciating live crosses from the audience.

“Mediocre and longwinded” was a more accurate description of what we experienced.

It wouldn’t be the Logies without someone going rogue. You’d expect the outrageous moment to come from a reality star. Married At First Sight’s Davina was present and we thought for sure she’d break up at least once marriage throughout the evening, but she was the least rowdy person in the room. Instead, it was Moonface who went rogue.

When you’re elderly but also feel like blowing shit up.

Bert tottled out on stage, dropped the word “poof” then told a sexual assault gag. Are we outraged at this? Some people are, others aren’t. Do we let it slide because he’s 100? He just kind of said it all with a smile on his face like when your nan makes mild racial slurs over Christmas dinner. It’s all very difficult to know what to be offended by these days.

It was only fitting his comments were followed by a thoughtful and sympathetic salute to the #MeToo movement.

Solemn.

Johanna Griggs let loose in a searing, unscripted rant about Nine not airing footage of the stars walking into the auditorium.

This is what she does now.

As we spiralled further into the darkness of the evening, Jacqueline McKenzie decided she’d try to make her acceptance speech fun and interactive after winning for Romper Stomper.

It was a painful lesson all parents eventually learn: No one other than you thinks your kids are cute.

Her daughter had recorded a playful and rambling pretend speech on mum’s phone as a joke. So Jacqueline told us all about it then rolled tape, playing the recording into the microphone. It was as fun as listening to your voicemails.

That moment you realise you probably just should’ve given the speech yourself but it’s too late to back out.

Keeping up the annual tradition, organisers flew in a special international star for the event. And, in keeping with the tradition, it was a star whose heyday was about a decade ago. Everybody welcome Fez from That ‘70s Show!

The presence of these international guest stars is always weird. Yes, they’re usually B-list. But it’s also mortifying knowing they’re watching the crap fest unfold and thinking that we, the Australian public, think this is spectacular.

‘What is this?’

We were lucky on Sunday night because the international glamour didn’t stop with Fez. We were also treated to a performance by a lady who has stood next to Beyonce.

Kelly Rowland hit the stage and performed a medley of songs — one of which was the Destiny’s Child hit Survivor. The solo performance was powerfully symbolic of the strength Kelly has shown post-Destiny’s Child, as she was forced to spend her days sitting in a comically large red chair as a judge on The Voice: Australia while Beyonce soared to icon status.

It was also a full circle moment for Kelly. The ceremony marked 16 years since Destiny’s Child made a special appearance at the awards in 2002 — before their success skyrocketed. The anniversary was bittersweet. Mainly because she always thought it would be Michelle doing the unpaid halftime Logies performance two decades later.

As dawn began to break, we arrived at the Gold Logie announcement. It was down to Tracy and Amanda, but probably Tracy. At least we thought so.

The Gold Logie went to Grant Denyer. As he bounded up to the stage, Tom Gleeson gave the cameras a knowing look, acknowledging the shift his campaign had caused on the voting system.

Obviously Tracy wouldn’t care about a silly Logie but it still broke our hearts.

And just like that, half asleep on the couch with one hand inside an empty chip packet, the Logies was over.

After three and a half hours, we ended on perhaps the most interesting moment of the night: This old lady reading a TV Week.

Hi nan.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir