Deadline: Tim Smith, Will Fowles water down the wine in Scotch College politician production line

Scotch College has produced a list of political powerhouses the likes of Cain and Kennett, but in recent years its contribution to Victorian parliament has been a bit of a car crash.

Mark Buttler and Andrew Rule with the latest crime buzz.

Too much Scotch in the water?

Scotch College has produced a list of the great and the good for generations on both sides of politics.

Premiers such as the admired “Honest John” Cain and the high achiever Jeff Kennett.

Perhaps the quality control has slipped a bit in recent times, with the grand old school being represented in state parliament by much lesser cattle than the Cains and Kennetts.

There’s the hard-drinking, lead-footed former rower Tim Smith, who took some paint off his CV as well as his car, in 2021 by pranging his new Jag into a constituent’s fence when rat-faced. He is no longer the Member for Kew.

Now, of course, Scotch’s school brains trust has the mortifying spectacle of another scandal, this time from the Labor wing of the Old Boys association. As in Will Fowles, hard-drinking party boy who has suddenly left parliament after blotting his copy book for the second time. Allegedly.

Tim Smith is no longer the Member for Kew. Picture: Andrew Henshaw

Will Fowles in Victorian parliament last week. Picture: Supplied

The foul-tempered one was forgiven for kicking down a door at a Canberra hotel in 2019 to retrieve his luggage.

But it seems his sometime supporter, premier Dan, isn’t so keen to prop him up now the fat man has allegedly assaulted a political staffer, an accusation he denies.

All of which poses a question: did some rogue master at Scotch College used to slip Scotch whisky into the boys’ drink bottles to fire them up?

Or is it that the pollution from the Monash Freeway traffic sprays so many toxic, mind-altering, carbon-fuel nasties over the soggy playing fields that it affects the boys’ brains?

That’s a faint possibility that could lead to the biggest class action in history.

Gyms (and ciggies) bad for health

Gangsters: often cunning, rarely wise.

Deadline is reluctant to take pot shots at the lax attitude of “Afghan Ali” (real name Mohammed Keshtiar) regarding his personal security before he’s even in the ground, but he should have known that regular attendance at gyms can be fatal.

Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it, but when it came to history, this particular Ali wasn’t the greatest.

It’s too late for the alleged illegal tobacco baron now because he was mown down between his luxury South Yarra apartment and his favourite gym.

His apartment building was elaborately secure, but the walk from the gym wasn’t. So it was another case of bang bang as Ali got the chop chop from a critic.

The identity of the first Aussie gangster to be ambushed coming out of or into a gym is lost in the mists of time. But regular readers will clearly recall that (the then Bandidos bikie) Toby Mitchell hit the headlines in 2011 after a gunman shot him full of holes outside Doherty’s gym in Weston St, Brunswick.

Mohammad Keshtiar was gunned down between his luxury South Yarra apartment and his favourite gym.

A stray bullet from the shooting struck a car with two children inside, which was hardly surprising.

When would-be hitmen opened fire on the bikie Zahed brothers, Tarek and Omar, outside their favourite gym in Auburn in Sydney last year, they sprayed so many bullets around it was a miracle that more people weren’t killed or wounded.

Omar died and Tarek survived 10 bullet wounds, including one to the head.

Then there’s the case of cyclist turned steroid-addled bikie enforcer Shane Bowden, shot dead in the garage of his rented house on the Gold Coast in late 2020.

It was midnight but, no surprise here, the hit squad knew to follow Bowden home from his regular late-night gym session.

In March this year, one Taha Sabbagh was executed after parking outside the Elite Fight Force gym in the western Sydney suburb of Sefton. The 40-year-old was shot multiple times while sitting in his car next to his 12-year-old son.

There’s a pattern here. One that takes us all the way back to the aftermath of Melbourne’s underworld war.

Police on Chapel St after the shooting of Keshtiar on Almeida Crescent in South Yarra. Picture: Andrew Henshaw

The sudden death of Carl Williams in a high-security prison in 2010 also underlines the dangers of ditching fast food in favour of fitness equipment.

While tubby Carl was on the outside, feasting on the finest fried fare from Red Rooster and KFC, he had a well-padded tummy — which clearly saved him from a bullet fired by Jason Moran in a “business meeting” gone wrong.

But the jailhouse fitness regimen was Williams’ undoing. He got much thinner but his murderous jailmate Matthew Johnson caved his head in — with part of an exercise bike.

Here’s the twist. The man widely thought to have masterminded Carl’s killing, Rocco Arico, might be in jail but he is very much alive and kicking.

Please note that Arico had a complete home gym set up in the security of the luxurious Brighton house his dear old mamma legally owned.

A decision that kept Rocco not only fit, but well. For the Afghan Alis out there, the moral of the story is to stay away from public gyms.

Crime commissions talk tough

How long before organised crime figures list on the stock exchange?

They seem to be going all corporate, apart from their hire-and-fire divisions, which are quick on the trigger.

First, there was a succession of stern messages from something known as the Cocaine Commission, a kind of self-appointed market regulator for the white stuff.

Now, there’s a missive floating around the underworld warning members of a group known as the Ciggi (or perhaps Cigi?) Commission that their days are numbered if they don’t shut up shop.

The bulletin, written in all capitals, states that those who fail to comply will suffer the same fate as gangster Mohammed Keshtiar.

There are suggestions that the stakeholder otherwise known as “Afghan Ali” (referred to above) was heavily involved in the booming illicit cigarette trade that fills the pockets of several powerful criminals.

Which explains why someone forced Keshtiar to butt out in the most abrupt fashion last Friday night.

Keithy hasn’t done himself a mischief

When it comes to faking your own death, the apparent attempt by fugitive 70-year-old Keith Lees last month probably needed some work.

Queensland police had travelled to Victoria in June to talk to him about a cold case murder of a young woman on the Sunshine Coast.

But the elusive Lees could not be found. Soon after, his car was located above treacherous cliffs at Portland, in the state’s southwest.

It was almost as though someone wanted the police to think he was dead. But the “no suspicious circumstances” scenario evaporated quickly when the runaway was seen later the same day at Port Fairy.

Police are hunting 70-year-old Keith Lees. Picture: Queensland Police Service

A day later he was spotted at a Waurn Ponds shopping centre and the Shepparton railway station.

Even without those two sightings, police would have had a hard look at the set of circumstances at Portland.

After all, the fugitive was already under the microscope over what police believe might be a faked clifftop suicide.

The body of his former girlfriend Meaghan Rose, 25, was found at the bottom of Point Cartwright, near Mooloolaba, in 1997.

Detectives say a life insurance policy had previously been taken out on Ms Rose. She died just three days after the policy kicked in after a 13-month “no claim” period.

Guess who was the $200,000 beneficiary.

Deviant’s sweet surrender

Question: What do you get when you combine a sweet potato, porn mags, a bottle of lubricant and an UP&GO protein energy drink?

Answer: A dirty story that is terribly difficult to explain, even allowing for Deadline’s broad-minded readership.

We’ll try to clean things up by saying a bloke arrived at an eastern suburbs business last week with all of the above items.

He seemed intent on boosting his vegetable intake but missed his mouth.

Multiple sources speaking to this masthead under condition of anonymity because they are not authorised to speak publicly (phew!) said it wasn’t long before he corrected the mistake and started eating the sweet potato.

At least we can say he’s a bloke with taste in some areas.

His pornos were hidden inside a copy of the Herald Sun.

It’s unclear where the UP&GO fits in.