Deadline: Derogatory map makes a mockery of Melbourne

Bec Judd and Les Twentyman won’t be smiling at the neighbourhood nicknames in a mock map of Melbourne, but while the knives are out some labels carry a whiff of truth.

Police have settled out of court with a man who was sling tackled at Flinders Street Station during Covid protests.

Every so often, something of genuine importance and public interest drops on a reporter’s desk.

Unfortunately, the arrival of a detailed map of Melbourne suburbs with corresponding derogatory nicknames was not one of those occasions.

However, someone has gone to a heap of trouble to put the thing together so we’ll give it a run. The other thin justification is that it came from a police source who has requested anonymity because of being unauthorised to speak and because of the map’s dubious content.

There are more than 100 locations renamed, mostly in an unflattering manner related to either drugs or weapons.

Some are funny, some not so.

Bec Judd won’t be happy about the nickname for Brighton. Picture: Instagram

Les Twentyman won’t be thrilled to hear what his suburb is called, either. Picture: Tony Gough

Others — like Crazyburn (Craigieburn) and Dandebong (Dandenong) — are so old they were probably in existence when John Batman lobbed in town.

Highpoint has been called Knifepoint since the locals were strolling the sprawling shopping complex in their Reebok Pumps.

The amateur cartographer misses a trick by labelling Narre Warren as Nazza Wazza. Everyone knows its proper name is Narre Warrant.

Top of the pops for nicknames is Frankston, which carries Freakston, Franghole, Shankston, Frankghanistan, Frankenstein, Funky Town and Frangas.

The number two alias location is St Albans which has a long list celebrating its, er, rough and tumble nature and rich ethnic heritage. It also goes by Stab Albans, Snorbans, St Balkans, Stab Organs, St Albania and Stablands.

The knives are also out in Stabberton (Laverton) while things sound similarly ominous in Criminal Springs (Caroline Springs).

Grimbank for Brimbank probably won’t make Les Twentyman happy, nor Bec Judd when she sees her home deck is called Shiteton.

Unkind folk from other parts of town might think Snoreton for Hawthorn and North Boring for North Balwyn are about right.

Smelltona for Altona has a whiff of truth when the seaweed is piled up and rotting away on the beach or local industry is letting off some fumes.

It’s unclear whether they’re exchanging wives or stolen goods in Swappers Crossing (Hoppers Crossing).

The map is published below, minus some place names that are too offensive to run.

Any further contributions are welcome on [e-mail].

Patton is not on drugs

Shane Patton fronted a press conference last week to warn the force would be coming down hard on rule-breaking officers.

It was probably the first time a chief commissioner has used the term “on the gear” in a media gathering, a reference to his distaste for officers getting stuck into the Persian rugs.

During the same appearance, he told them they’d have to “ship up or shape out”.

We think we know what he meant.

Mr Patton did also mention he had been randomly tested in the past and, presumably, came up clean.

Shane Patton is probably the first chief commissioner to use the term ‘on the gear’. Picture: Andrew Henshaw

Watch out for the guns

Speaking of cops fronting the media, we were reminded last week of the former high-ranking officer who always liked to look his best for such engagements.

A neat haircut and crisply ironed uniform was not nearly enough for this bloke.

Word was he would do a session of arm-curls in his office so his “guns” were in mint condition before the cameras rolled, a la Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

Ron Burgundy may have been the inspiration for one Victoria Police officer who liked to look his best while fronting the media.

Wild child to Mercedes Mama

Continuing our recent theme of affluent folk who once broke bad is the suburban mum with the prestige wheels and private school-set connections.

This lady has been living the law-abiding life for a long time and even had a squeaky-clean home good enough to feature in the real estate pages some years back.

Thankfully, she long ago turned her back on the wild-child days in which she ran with some very tasty criminals.

Those who know her identity, and have strong memories, might recall she once shot a fellow of her acquaintance, leaving the poor gent dependent on a colostomy bag.

Don’t mess with the lady at school pick-up time.

The force used against Mr Peterson-English seemed — to the untrained eye — a bit inordinate.

Silence of the slam

The Herald Sun last week revealed Victoria Police had reached an out-of-court settlement with a mentally ill man slammed into the floor of Flinders Street Station by one of its officers.

Daniel Peterson-English suffered a massive head knock in a sling tackle by an acting senior sergeant in September, 2021, amid a run of violent anti-lockdown protests.

Mr Peterson-English was not one of the demonstrators but he was highly agitated after not taking his antipsychotic medication.

It was clear his aggressive behaviour at the time would have been confronting but the whole thing could have been dealt with a lot earlier.

The force ultimately used against Mr Peterson-English seemed — to the untrained eye — a bit inordinate.

One odd element has been the absence of any major outcry over the incident,

There has been some consternation about the lack of interest displayed by some of those who might normally be beating the police brutality drum as hard as Mr Peterson-English’s head hit the concrete.

Could it be because he was mistaken for the kind of anti-lockdown protester whose activities are so unfashionable?