What we need now is some foxy morons. Come back, Kath and Kim

THE return of Kath and Kim to our TV screens this week reminded us how timeless they are, writes Susie O’Brien. Come back, you foxy morons.

CRACK open the cardonnay, grab some baby cheeses and stock up on the footy franks.

Kath and Kim are back on the small screen, serving up a big dose of retro suburbia.

Back in 2002, when the First Ladies of Fountain Gate debuted, Bennifer was still an item, Ansett planes were still in the sky and Prime Minister John Howard was yet to tame his eyebrows.

The foxy morons were an instant hit. People loved following the adventures of the “effluent” Kath Day-Knight, her gourmet butcher hubby Kel and attention-seeking daughter Kim, aka “Look at moy, Kimoy”.

The suburbs were suddenly sexy again, thanks to Kel in those jogging shorts and Kath on the cross-trainer in her Tanya Buckley-inspired G-string leotard ensemble. Of course, there was also Kim and her muffin top. (Actually, Kim and the whole muffin, as her mother would say.)

Re-runs of this classic show, which popped up on Channel Nine last week, caught many by surprise. The first episode attracted 572,000 viewers across Australia — nearly as many as the much-hyped and very expensive Australian Survivor.

As Kath told the Herald Sun this week, the Australian public have shown “unpeckable taste” in their viewing habits.

These days, “Kel’s on the toot, Kim’s on the couch and I’m nursing Sharon 24/7 who strained her clacks practising for Ninja Warrior,” she said.

The notion of Sharon Strzelecki — Kim’s second-best friend — limbering up for the Ninja Warrior warped wall in a crop top and 2XU leggings got me thinking.

Just what would Kath and Kim be up to a decade after the last series was made in 2007?

How would they fare in our era of lifestyle bloggers, Uber Eats, life hacks, Netflix and chill, Kardashians, Groupon and smart phones?

They weren’t just noice, unusual and different, Kath and Kim were also timeless. (Pic: Supplied)

For a start, I am pretty sure Kath and Kel would still be together, although Kel would probably have put his back out since the couple discovered 50 Shades of Grey on Netflix. But, as Kath will tell you: “There’s nothing wrong with two Baby Boomers getting it on while they’re still hot and flexible.”

Kel, who has to keep telling people that being a metrosexual doesn’t mean he has sex on trains, is now serving coffee for his butcher’s shop customers.

The barista, a bearded fellow called Atticus, tries to tell Kel to stop ordering two “cups of chino” for him and his lady friend Kath.

Kath is now into aerial yoga and can even be found at a special couples-only hot yoga class with Kel on the nights he closes the shop early.

She’s also right into compression active wear and doesn’t listen to anyone who tells her leggings are not pants.

If it’s got a gusset, she’ll get into it, although her willingness to embrace the nude legging look has raised eyebrows in the court. Kel, needless to say, loves it.

Meanwhile, Brett has sadly broken up with Kim, knowing his ability to meet her sexual needs in the era of Tinder is nigh impossible.

Kim is obsessed with The Bachelor and knows it’s just a matter of time before she makes it on to the show, where she will dominate thanks to her love of sheer evening dresses and refusal to wear underpants.

As a backup, she’s trying to score tycoon James Packer, who she’s had a crush on ever since his street fight in 2014. Kim loves the idea of a Packer up her clacker.

Kim’s social media commitments to her thousands of Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram “friends” mean she is unable to hold down a paid job. Feeling that fame (or a retired cricketer) is not far away, she’s thinking of changing the spelling of her name to Kym. She will then set up a lifestyle blog called Lyfestyled by Kym offering an impressive range of overpriced soy candles and diffusers.

Kim herself can’t go past an online sale: as she puts it, she’s “sellibate”.

Always trying to lose weight, Kim is on the paleo diet and finds all the fatty meat very satisfying. Naturally, she gives it a special twist, ingeniously pairing it with a double serve of peanut butter toast or a chocolate milkshake on the side to keep hunger at bay.

Kim also spends a lot of time channelling her namesake Kim Kardashian, believing they are actually the same person. She not deterred by the fact that the more famous Kim keeps blocking her on Twitter. She often quotes Kim K, revealing on Instagram recently: “I am empowered by my sexuality, I am empowered by feeling comfortable in my skin.”

In fact, Kim has been feeling so comfortable in her skin that she was recently caught campaigning for #freethenipple which didn’t go down so well at Safeway Fountain Lakes.

Kim is also exploring her gender fluidity — but worries about how much fluid there might be and what marks it may make on Kath’s axminster in the front room.

Kath and Kim, if you’re reading this, I hope you are inspired to crack open another bottle of Fruity Lexia and consider another season — we need laughs now more than ever!

After all, it’s nice, it’s different, it’s unusual.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist.

@susieob