This is what it’s really like to fly with kids

Another person’s crying kid making your flight a nightmare? Guess who’s having a worst time, than you — its parents, writes Darren Levin. At least you can put on noise cancelling headphones.

People often ask what it’s like flying with three kids and my answer is always the same.

“Have you ever sat next to kids on the plane?”

“Yes, of course.”

“OK, well it’s exactly like that — except you can’t put on noise cancelling headphones, down a Bloody Mary, go to the toilet on your own, watch a movie, eat some bhuja mix without interruption, stare wistfully out the window, play the Sudoku in the in-flight magazine, adjust the seat rest to the optimal foetal position, scroll mindlessly through your smartphone, or enjoy anything resembling that abstract concept called ‘personal space’.”

There’s a perception that parents are bringing kids on to the plane for the sole purpose of ruining your one-hour flight interstate. Maybe you were supposed to power through that important preso in the 28 minutes of laptop time afforded to you between seatbelt signs? Maybe you just wanted an hour off from your own kids?

This bears no resemblance to what flying with children is actually like.

I’m sorry to break this to you but this is the nature of public transport. It’s the lopsided dice you roll every time you step out of an environment you can control and into the wild wild world of busy humans trying to get from point A to point B, via point D and E (if you’re flying a certain feline-inspired airline). If you can’t cope with this reality perhaps it’s time you start chartering flights or, better yet, invest in your own $6-million private plane? What’s that? You’re not Richard Branson? Well, then maybe it’s time to hang out in the real world with the rest of us? There’s a noticeable lack of beluga caviar and hot personal assistants here but other than that it’s not so bad.

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The likelihood of your flight being packed with kids is seasonably high at this time of year when desperate families are trying to fill the seven weeks of “holidays” so mercifully afforded to us by an education schedule that hasn’t evolved much since 1963 (yeah, I said it). And with 20 per cent of the population under the age of 14, the odds of a child-free aviation experience during this period are not in your favour.

How you respond to the highly likely situation in which you are seated in the vicinity of a small human says an awful lot about you as a big human.

My advice is to be helpful and empathetic because in all probability parents are going out of their way to make the flight a pleasant experience for you. Yes, you! It’s certainly not for us.

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This does.

We’re packing more snacks than a snack convention for you. Filling our smartphones with episodes of Ladybug & Cat Noir and Pinky Malinky for you. Spending $20 on a mess-free princess colouring book for you. Timing sleeps and bottles and toilet trips for you. Devising activity backup plans upon backup plans upon backup plans for you. Who knew an ordinary thong could provide literally minutes of entertainment when your phone is out of battery and all the snacks are smooshed into the carpet below? Not me!

It’s all for you because as parents we abandoned any allusions of a relaxing, stress-free flight somewhere between Tullamarine and Tullamarine, and you know what? We’ve come to terms with it.

When you’re surrounded by kids every day you develop a special talent for filtering out noise, smells and that huge vanilla yoghurt stain in the worst possible place a vanilla yoghurt stain can be. It’s how people work in primary schools, activity centres, creches, parliament; basically any place where immature humans are left for too long in a confined space.

If parents had the option of flying in a plane full of other parents with screaming kids they would take this every time because it’s a safe aerospace — and in a safe aerospace no one can really hear your kid scream.

Darren Levin is a RendezView columnist.

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