No parent deserves to go through this

HAVING kids means selfless sacrifice, which most of us accept as part of the deal. But there are some family obligations that really put that commitment to the test, writes Darren Levin.

EVER been to a concert where the headliner plays for 12 minutes and you’re then subjected to three solid hours of support bands?

That’s what happens when your daughter is in Grade 2 and you attend her school concert, foolishly thinking you can just leave when she does her bit.

But it doesn’t work that way.

You have to watch the Grade 3s do a Greatest Showman medley and the Grade 4s sing an entire Imagine Dragons album. Then it’s the drum corps, the choir, the orchestra, then first intermission, a skit, the Grade 5s doing Uptown Funk like it’s 2015 again, the Grade 6s breakdancing to Coldplay, second intermission, more skits. Just when you think it’s over the teachers come out and do an Australia’s Got Talent-worthy number they’ve presumably been rehearsing during unpaid overtime (bless their hearts), then more skits, speeches, then Christmas, then the end.

Coldplay: not recommended for breakdancing, particularly at school concerts. Picture: Jeremy Piper

Of course you forgot all this in the 12 months between school concerts and it only dawns on you when you spot a bunch of parents at the bar pre-loading drinks like teenagers before the deb.

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Meanwhile you rushed straight here from work so that half a pack of Extra in your pocket is now your dinner. Dinner with the added bonus of “professional teeth whitening”. And speaking of dental hygiene there’s an awful lot of flossing going on at school concerts these days. I guess this means dabbing is dead?

There’s no doubt school concerts are important milestones in a child’s life. If not for school concerts your parents wouldn’t have grainy VHS footage of you singing It’s A Hard-Knock Life in a dog costume to torment you with.

But do they really have to go for as long as a Bruce Springsteen gig minus the hits?

And who is this “entertainment” for anyway? If you come away from a school concert thinking, “Five stars! I’m going to recommend this show to all my friends”, you’re probably a fan of amateur musical theatre. And if you’re a fan of amateur musical theatre, I’m sorry — we can’t be friends.

Darren Levin with two of his three daughters. Picture: Supplied

But ultimately we’re here for the same selfish reason: our kids. And when they do their thing (in my daughter’s case, a duet of 17th-century earworm There’s A Hole In My Bucket) it truly swells the heart, and then immediately makes you want to leave. But those crafty teachers still know how to outsmart you, keeping your children in a holding pen right up until the very end.

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So here’s some notes I made while I was waiting for my kid’s release.

Number one. Recorder is a trash instrument. I’m sorry to tell you this Genevieve Lacey, Australia’s most renowned recorder virtuoso according to Google. While I’m sure you could totally shred a Ravel menuet, you’ll be pretty horrified to know that the entire student population of your country is misrepresenting your instrument as the sound of a dying cat.

Number two. “Without further ado” is about as archaic as “henceforth” and “hitherto”, and needs to be consigned to the dustbin of old English lit. While I’m on the subject, there are only so many “warm welcomes” you can stomach before it starts to feel a bit, I dunno, insincere.

Number three. I’m sorry to break this to you Pauline Hanson, Australia’s most renowned virtuoso of hate according to Google. But white people are just an inferior dancing race. That’s not discrimination. It’s just fact.

Number four. School teachers need to be in a higher pay bracket. Do they even sleep?

Number five. Maybe that guy behind us that said our daughter needs to be on Broadway wasn’t just being nice and we should send an audition tape to Juilliard asap.

Number six. What time does Maccas drive-through close?

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.