RIP school lunch boxes, it was fun while it lasted

Feeding our kids has become a competitive sport for parents in recent years, which has left me wondering if anyone else yearns for the simpler days of Le Snak and Vegemite sandwiches, writes Darren Levin.

How do you make an inspiring school lunch that your kids actually want to eat?

I’m pretty sure this wasn’t a question anyone typed into Google in 1994. Did Google even exist in 1994? Don’t make me google that.

If there was ever an indication that parenting has changed substantially over the 30 years since Uncle Tony’s launched Le Snak — still the perfect combo of crackers and Armageddon-proof “cheese” — it’s the evolution of the school lunch. We’ve gone from a Prima and Vegemite sandwiches to minted couscous, black rice noodles, and an edamame and strawberry salad … for children at recess.

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These are just some of the suggestions from a list of ‘40 Healthy Lunch Ideas To Keep You Inspired’.

Inspired? Is that how parents are supposed to feel when they’re cutting the crusts off six pieces of wholemeal bread at 9pm on a Tuesday night? The only thing that inspires me to do is start a company that mass produces crustless bread.

When did feeding kids become an art form? Picture: iStock.

Maybe the true key to success isn’t 10,000 hours of practice, but rather 10,000 impeccably packed bento box-style school lunches that perfectly balance nutrition and a very lame version of “fun”?

Perhaps our kids would be better humans if we just spent that extra 45 minutes “curating” their lunches instead of unconsciously chucking a bunch of bags into a bigger bag, and then putting that bag into their school bag.

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Parenting website Fatherly published some obnoxious school lunch tips from award-winning chefs who think homebaking cornbread “loaded with grated squash and zucchini” is an easy task that mere mortals can bust out on a busy weeknight. But even their kids have epic lunch making skills.

“When Beatrice was six,” one of the chefs said, “I heard a racket in the kitchen and found her making a vinaigrette to take to school, all by herself. She knew the 3-1 ratio.”

The only 3-1 ratio my kids know is one pre-packaged snack to three fresh things found at the bottom of the chilled section of the fridge.

Can’t we return to the days of Vegemite sandwiches and a Prima? Picture: supplied

I’m tired of reading about strategies to “disrupt” school lunches with zoo animal-shaped sandwiches with raisins for eyes and celery stick noses. I don’t want to feel guilty for buying pre-cut carrot batons in single use packaging and snack cucumbers that have been genetically modified to fit snugly into the veggie section of their compartmentalised lunch pail. Side-note: do people still say pail?

As much as the internet tries to shame me into raising the school lunch bar, I’m actually pretty content with producing three lunches on autopilot in 12 minutes flat.

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Like a well-drilled line cook, I’ll line up all six pieces of bread and butter them in cross stroke pattern that facilitates even distribution across each surface. Then I’ll top them with whatever happens to be in the fridge, chuck some snack tomatoes into a Tupperware container, throw in a full apple and then — in line with the 3-1 ratio — finish it all off with a packet of naturally seasoned brown rice cakes. If they’re lucky, they also get gifted a half-eaten box of sultanas leftover from a friend’s birthday party.

My system is so ninja-like and well-honed that last-minute curveballs no longer throw me off, which is what almost happened when my daughter piped up, roughly eight minutes before bedtime this week, to remind me she needed a culturally diverse “harmony lunch” for Harmony Day.

It’s amazing how quickly a regular roast beef sandwich can transform itself into a Reuben with some American mustard and a slice of Swiss cheese when it needs to.

@darren_levin