We need to talk about Mark Wahlberg’s ‘dad bod’

THE former Funky Bunch singer and star of the big screen may be able to do 60 burpees in six minutes, but there are some things he’s not exactly fit for, writes Darren Levin.

YOU may have missed it, but “Marky” Mark Wahlberg recently shared his daily schedule.

It’s as obnoxious as the rest of his Instagram account, which is loaded with clips of him doing medicine ball crunches at 4am, making protein shakes with life-size tubs of whey powder, and taking promotional visits to his family burger chain. Are you seeing any inconsistencies here?

Every day at 2.30am, the star of such iconic films as Daddy’s Home, Daddy’s Home 2, and Pain & Gain (with fellow shredded dad Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) wakes up and prays. Which is such a coincidence because that’s exactly how I also start my day.

I wake up at 2.30am and pray that whatever child has crawled into my bed stops kicking me in the face and goes back to sleep. But sadly, that’s where our similarities end.

At 5.30am, the former lead singer of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch eats a second breakfast consisting of three turkey burgers (THREE!) and a full plate of sweet potatoes, before playing a round of golf at 7.30am.

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He then recovers in something called a cryo chamber, which I imagine is the same thing Walt Disney is chilling in until Elon Musk invents a machine that thaws him out. (Sidenote: Imagine how blown away Walt Disney is going to be by Netflix, civil rights, and the iPhone XS.)

Darren Levin with two of his three daughters. Picture: Supplied

At 7.30am, it’s safe to say I am not in a cryo chamber or on the golf course. I’m either cleaning dog vomit off the floor, or cooking three separate breakfasts for three fussy kids. There are no turkey burgers on the menu.

A short bracket of “family time” happens eight hours into Mark Wahlberg’s day at 11am, conveniently at a time when his children are probably in school. And then to rub it all in, he posts a shirtless photo of his ripped abs holding up a T-shirt that says “dad bod” on his Instagram.

Mark Wahlberg may be fit enough to do 60 burpees in six minutes, but he is certainly not fit to represent the dad bod brand.

According to the article that sent the term viral, the dad bod says: “I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.” Which is basically the antithesis of Mark Wahlberg and the most accurate description of me ever committed to print.

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The other thing the dad bod says is this: “I am an involved dad that doesn’t jam family time into half-hour blocks before workouts, cryogenic freezing sessions, and rounds of golf.”

There’s even been a scientific study into dad bods undertaken by a university researcher who was presumably bored one day. It found that important biological changes happen when a man becomes a dad.

Science can’t explain why you’re suddenly a flat pack furniture ninja or why your weekend wardrobe exclusively consists of stained trackies and promotional hats. But it can explain hormonal shifts that occur when your weekends go from finding dates to Finding Nemo.

When you’re a settled, time-poor dad, it’s inevitable you’ll put on weight — and when you put on weight you produce more oestrogen, which in turns leads to more caring behaviour and explains why you sobbed uncontrollably throughout 2 Fast 2 Furious.

So as we head into summer and the societal pressure for a hot seasonal bod builds (I am clearly joking — there is no pressure for men), don’t be fat-shamed by the likes of Mark Wahlberg into thinking a dad bod is the impossibly ripped vision his Instagram represents. Not least because why would you ever listen to a guy who goes to bed at 7.30pm?

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.