It’s time dads come clean on the Father’s Day farce

IT’S not that dads don’t deserve acknowledgment for the important role we play, but an entire Sunday devoted to our pithy accomplishments? Puh-lease, writes Darren Levin.

I KNOW I have a stubby holder that proves it but I don’t feel like the world’s best dad sometimes.

Maybe that’s normal? I’m sure the bakery down the road doesn’t always live up to its “Australia’s best sausage roll” title — even though they have a sign outside that emphatically states it in bold comic sans.

It’s been eight years now since I first became eligible for it, and I still feel pretty conflicted about Father’s Day. Like most dads in 2018 I’d describe myself as “pretty involved”, but I also feel wholly unworthy of an entire day in which I’m showered with Bunnings vouchers and macaroni cards.

It’s not as though I go over and above, like those dads that build cubby houses on TV commercials or those show-offs who put their kids to bed on time.

I beat myself up about letting them watch hours and hours of Horrid Henry and I still haven’t taught our seven-year-old how to ride a bike. (Confession time: It’s because I have forgotten how to ride one myself.)

I’m a pretty competent dad though if you believe some of the people I encounter in places that aren’t typically teeming with dads: kindergarten drop-offs, the supermarket, parties with glitter.

Darren Levin with one of his three daughters. (Pic: supplied)

“Aren’t youuuu good?” is the phrase you hear most in these places, and it’s often for the most unimpressive things. The other day I received an “aren’t you good” for tying my daughter’s hair in a basic ponytail.

I copped another “aren’t you good” for a basic grocery run with just one of our three children, with a bonus “aren’t you good” for diffusing a tantrum using the time honoured technique of bribing them with a Kinder Surprise.

Then there was an “aren’t you good” for taking my daughter to the footy, which is a pretty gendered “aren’t you good” because it implies that I’m dragging her to the footy, when in fact she knows more about defensive structures and contested possessions than me.

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There’s been an “aren’t you good” for tying shoelaces. An “aren’t you good” for making spaghetti bolognese from scratch. An “aren’t you good” for dropping our twins off at a birthday party and playing on my phone for an hour while other parents chatted about high school enrolments (they’re FOUR).

Celebrities are probably the biggest beneficiaries of the “aren’t you good” award for average dad achievement. Like Tom Hardy who was widely venerated for — wait for it — feeding his son Louis a bottle. If it were his partner Charlotte Riley in the photo, we’d surely be reading 50 think-pieces about what a monster she is for bottle-feeding and oh my god is that a tiny stain on her activewear?

Chris Hemsworth’s cake attempt would not pass the mum test. (Pic: AAP/Brendon Thorne)

Old mate Chris Hemsworth takes the cake for actually baking a cake. The Aussie star of Thor broke the internet by “smashing out” a dinosaur cake that was about as basic as every film he’s ever made. First of all the T-Rex wasn’t to scale. Secondly, he used Smarties instead of fondant for the decoration. These are rookie errors, Chris. But please don’t beat me up for saying that.

No one has ever described fatherhood as a thankless job. I feel like we are adequately thanked for the unacknowledged things mums do every day. Which is why I still feel the same way about Father’s Day as I do about things like sex and the March For Men: deeply uncomfortable.

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It’s not that dads don’t deserve acknowledgment for the important role we play, but an entire Sunday devoted to our pithy accomplishments? Puh-lease.

That time that could be better spent on meal prep, supermarket runs, swimming lessons, party drop-offs, plays in the park, school projects. You know. Just ordinary dad things.

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.