A guide to Father’s Day gifts that don’t suck

AS parents, we get one day of the year that’s just for us. So rather than going down the socks and jocks route, why not opt for something us dads would really like, writes Darren Levin.

IN ORDER of importance, these are the things my dad likes most: mum, his grandkids, hamburgers, golf, his only son.

He likes other things, of course — snoring upright on the couch, ruining my day with iPhone-related questions, cruises that serve all-you-can-eat hamburgers — but turning those “interests” into tangible things you can buy for him on Father’s Day is an impossible task.

“Why don’t you riff on the golf thing?” you’re probably thinking. But I’ve exhausted all golf paraphernalia gift options, including a military-grade GPS navigational ball-finding thingamabob that’s still sitting in a box.

I would take him out for a burger, but he’s incredibly fussy and likes to annoy waiters with off-the-menu Frankenstein dishes that make no culinary sense whatsoever. If there were a Hague for food crimes my dad would be in the dock right now being grilled (sorry) about his preference for ordering literally everything — burgers, steaks, even scrambled eggs — well done.

“I want them dead,” he’ll tell the waiter just to emphasise that point. The scariest part is he used to own a restaurant.

But buying a Father’s Day gift for my dad is nothing compared to my 94-year-old grandfather Wolf (yes, that’s his real/amazing name), who has elevated re-gifting into an art form.

My kingdom for an uninterrupted nap. (Pic: supplied)

I’m not sure what things were like in eastern Europe in the 1930s, but in Australia in the 2010s, it’s common courtesy to hang on to a gift for more than 20 minutes before attempting to regift it to the person who gave it to you 20 minutes ago.

Wolf is still trying to regift a pair of white Reeboks we gave him for Father’s Day in 1987, which is quite a selfless act because they’re literally the only shoes he wears.

Then there’s the baby blue flat cap I bought him when he went through (what I hope was) a Samuel L Jackson phase in the ‘90s. Explaining to him why someone in their 20s wouldn’t really have much use for a baby blue flat cap — other than a Samuel L Jackson dress-up party — fell on (almost) deaf ears.

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I’m sure you have your own difficult dads to buy presents for this Father’s Day, and you’re probably wondering what to get them. I don’t have definitive answers for you unfortunately, but here’s a list of some cool things I think most dads would like. Or more accurately: these are the things I would like my family to buy me and I now have a national platform to tell them.

Suggestion 1: A voucher for an hour of uninterrupted alone time. Yes, I can just use the bathroom for this, but sometimes it’s nice to go outside or nap on the couch instead of a cold, porcelain seat. Also I’ve been reading the same book for the past nine months, incidentally called Meet Me In The Bathroom, and I’d really like to finish it.

So help me, I will set fire to the sock factories on behalf of all dads. (Pic: supplied)

Option 2: A Vicks VapoRub Coles Little Shop mini. To complete the collection, obviously.

Option 3: Anything but socks. I don’t know what compels kids to buy socks for their dads, but this is a playground in-joke that has gone too far. My daughter bought me a pair of generic “business” socks from her Father’s Day school gift shop, and I had to smile and say thank you through gritted teeth. What I really wanted to do was burn every sock factory to the ground and start an online petition for the Government to officially endorse Crocs as an acceptable form of business footwear. This works pretty well in Germany, I hear. There are only a few things you’re allowed to lie to kids about: 1) Fictional characters that bring them gifts; 2) Pet heaven; and 3) The “ahhhhhmazing” pair of socks you “really really needed oh my god thank you so much!” for Father’s Day.

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Option 4: A Marantz TT-15S1I turntable. know that sounds ridiculously specific, but a friend told me that if I mention product in this column then maybe someone will send it to me for free. I am also partial to Nixon watches and Lamborghinis.

Option 5: A vasectomy. Because I don’t want to put a fourth child through a lifetime of having to think about what on earth to get their dad on Father’s Day.

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.