How to party like you’re childless when you’re not

KIDS don’t care about hangovers. You’ll find that out when they use your still-steaming carcass as a trampoline the day after you try and party like you did in the old days, writes Darren Levin.

IT’S the end of the financial year and I’ll be celebrating by paying 2085 per cent more tax than Adani, IBM and Chevron combined.

Maybe you’ll have some sort of party at work to commemorate it. If you do, watch out for parents. They are the sloppiest, messiest, silliest class of partiers going around.

Parents get tiny windows in which to party, and the rule with tiny windows is you must hurl yourself through them with all the over achieving force of the Western Bulldogs AFL team in 2016. Because you never know when that window is going to slam shut for another 62 years, and you may miss your chance to stand up there on the dais with Bob Murphy.

Parents like to prove they can wind back the clock to 1998 and party like Ricky Martin in the video for ‘The Cup Of Life’. The sad truth is we can’t.

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Why? Because unlike this new generation of entitled avocado eaters, we can’t spend the whole of Saturday afternoon getting tubs of Messina delivered to us in bed. We can’t rewatch all 86 episodes of Sopranos or impulse buy Nutribullets on eBay because retail therapy scientifically improves hangovers and YOLO. Do young people even use that acronym nowadays? It’s a trick question. Of course they don’t and the fact you even thought about it means you. Cannot. Party. Like. You. Think. You. Did. In. The. Past. Fullstop.

Play your cards (and drinks) right, and this could be you. (Pic: supplied)

Not convinced? Here is a simple test: did you try and buy a jagerbomb — or worse, an Illusion shaker — over the bar last night? Nice try grandpa. You’re drunk, stay home.

Did you wait around for an old school cab while your peers jetted off in a Camry with a friendly civil engineer named Kevin who is just “doing this because I’m bored”? You have to ask your seven-year-old daughter how to download an app, so probs not hey.

Maybe you requested a Kasabian banger from the DJ. Bars don’t play Kasabian anymore — even ironically — and they certainly don’t serve people wearing jeans with early-2000s paint splotches on them.

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If you somehow make it out past midnight without throwing up in a bin or calling your boss a “nefarious warlord”, you will still pay the price for your partying ways. In fact, that’s the first thing you’ll do when you walk through the door and fork out an extra $96 for the three hours of additional Netflix your babysitter had to endure that night.

If you’re lucky enough to have a spouse who offers to watch the kids while you’re EOFYing your arse off, you’ll no doubt be on morning duty for the next six to eight weeks.

If your parents are babysitting, prepare for that same “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in you” look they gave you when they found out you had a puff of marijuana once when you were 15. (I got this look four times last week.)

Falling asleep while trying to be a cool parent is highly likely, so just accept it. (Pic: supplied)

But all this is no match for the morning after when your children jump on your still steaming carcass like a spring-free, professionally installed $1200 trampoline.

Kids don’t have any sympathy for hangovers. They still want to do all the usual stuff: eat everything in the fridge, expend all their limitless energy, fight over toys.

Hangovers exacerbate these normal kid things to unbearable degrees. It even makes their voices sound like dental drills. But if you are still hot to party — despite all of the facts I have laid out above — here are some thing to keep in mind.

The ‘Make It ‘Til 12’ Rule: This has been tried and tested over seven years by a consummate party professional. Me. Up until a couple years ago midday was nap time in our house and if you could just push through until then you could steal a couple hours on the couch, recharge, and then only have a few hours to go until bedtime — for them and you. Our kids don’t nap anymore but they can watch TV for hours. Use this to your advantage, and remember to load up movies instead of shows. Why? Because they last longer, dummy.

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If you’re one of those weirdos who feels guilty about screentime and simply must leave the house, do not be tempted by the park. Too much can go wrong and you really need to have your wits about you. Go somewhere a bit more contained like an indoor play centre. These places are subject to some hectic OH&S rules, so you know your kids will be safe. They also serve disgusting fried food, which you can sneakily scoff while your kids aren’t looking.

The Fend Off is another classic hack. Smart party planners won’t just arrange sitters for the big night, they’ll have a plan up their sleeves for the next day. Day sitting is a much more attractive option for those oddly clucky friends and relos who actually enjoy hanging out with your kids.

So while they’re all off having the “best day ever” at Scienceworks, you’re writhing around in a pool of your own misery in bed. Perfect.

Darren Levin is a writer, editor and wannabe dad-fluencer based in Melbourne. Find him on Twitter and Instagram.