‘Are you OK?’ is good, but not nearly enough

Reflecting on the sad death of former Home And Away star Ben Unwin, David Mills says we need to do more to help vulnerable men — and dropping one common social media habit is a good place to start.

I’ve done it, my friends have done it, and it’s been done to me, and it’s been done to my friends.

Many of us seem guilty of that modern misdemeanour: ignoring an invitation to a social event on Facebook.

We see an invitation to something in our feeds and we wait to see who else will RSVP before we commit. Or we hold back, thinking we might get a better offer, or that we can just see how we’re feeling on the day and make our decision about turning up on the fly.

Millennials are often accused of this sort of behaviour, with their oh-so-cute reluctance to commit to things, but clearly it’s a habit that spans generations.

And it’s a habit we need to break.

Ben Unwin starred in Home And Away between 1996-2000 and 2002-2005.

I’ve been thinking about this behaviour this week since the suicide of former Home And Away star Ben Unwin, a day before he was due to turn 42.

My respectful condolences go to his friends and family.

Young (42 is still young), smart (he was reportedly working as a solicitor) and good looking, Unwin seemed a man with so much to live for.

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I met him once. Just after he finished his second stint on Home And Away in 2005, he came into the publishing company I worked for at the time to discuss posing for a magazine. It was an interesting time for him; after years of being a soapie star, he was very conscious of working out what was the right next move for his career. (He ended up saying a polite no to the magazine feature.) I remember him being quietly spoken and thoughtful.

By raising the subject of Facebook invitations, I’m not suggesting that Ben Unwin threw a party which got ignored on social media, plunging him into a spiral of depression.

What I’m saying is that ignoring social events on Facebook is one of those little ways our actions can lead to other people feeling isolated.

It’s fair enough if you don’t use Facebook much, and you genuinely miss seeing an invitation, but if you are active on the platform, but causally ignore genuine invitations to social events, you’re being rude. (And as I said: I’ve been guilty of this.)

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After Unwin’s death, his former Home And Away co-star Kristy Wright penned a heartfelt social media message, saying she regretted the fact that their once-strong friendship had drifted.

“We haven’t spoken in a few years and I can not express in this moment how sorry I am for that,” Wright posted. “I miss you now that I know I will never see you again.

“I will forever regret not reaching out more … I’m so sorry. I love you. RIP my old friend.”

Facebook: is our casual approach to responding to invitations contributing to social isolation? Picture: AP Photo/Jenny Kane

In Australia, our suicide prevention measures are largely based on ensuring that people have someone to turn to when they are most in need — whether that be a friend or a counsellor over the telephone.

R U OK? day launched in 2009, and is coming up again on Thursday, September 12. It aims to “inspire and empower everyone to meaningfully connect with the people around them and start a conversation with anyone who may be struggling with life”.

It would be impossible to calculate the lives saved because of R U OK? Day, or the number of people who have been able to get help with their problems, simply because somebody asked them how they were doing.

But clearly it’s not enough.

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According to Lifeline, the suicide rate in Australia in 2015 was 12.6 cases per 100,000 people — the highest rate in over 10 years. And deaths by suicide occur among males at a rate three times greater than that for females.

Besides Ben Unwin’s sad death, I have been touched by one other suicide this year, and I know of two other cases who were friends of friends. In all four cases, it was a man either in his 40s or 50s.

What Kirsty Wright’s message touches on is that we have opportunities to connect with people long before they reach the end of their tether.

It’s here where we need to get better. Before people become isolated; before they get suicidal; before they feel they need help.

How we treat one another on social media is a good place to start. If you’re a Facebook friend to someone, be an actual friend, and if you receive an invitation, have the courtesy to reply.

If you or anyone you know needs help, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyondblue on 1300 224 636.

David Mills is a journalist with News Corp.

@DavidMills1972

Originally published as ‘Are you OK?’ is good, but not nearly enough