What my dog is really thinking: Mel Buttle

Ever wondered what your dog is thinking? Here’s a hint - it’s pretty simple, Mel Buttle explains.

Every dog owner I’ve met wants to know what their dog is thinking, well here you go, I’ve put hours of research into seeing things from my dog Ruby’s point of view. Here’s her take on the world.

When the sky is noisy, water falls from the sky, I make the water and noises stop by barking and hiding under a big fern in the back of the yard, shaking. This usually works.

Other techniques I’ve found success with include jumping the fence, and digging a big hole.

Dinner happens if I sit nicely in the kitchen and make my eyes looks sad, I think about if I had to go to the vets, it helps give the eyes a genuine sadness. Yes, I’m a method actor. Dinner has been dry food for the past eight years, it’s the best, Mel never eats any of it, thank god.

Do you know what your dog is thinking?

It takes me about 28 seconds to eat my dinner, I’m an efficient go-getter with a can-do attitude.

Breakfast can be hurried along by jumping up, pretending to shiver and gentle howling. There’s often a small, white pill in my food, sometimes I am able to flick it out onto the floor, other times I’m so hungry I accidentally consume it.

I lack attention to detail, my strengths are using my tongue to get dropped bits of food from under the fridge and openings doors with my lithe frame.

In the daytime I am very tired, I’ve been up all night keeping watch for bugs and curtain flapping.

I like to lie in a hole I’ve dug at the side of the house, I flick all the pine bark, grass and rocks out of the way to get right in there. Some idiot puts it back. Annoying.

I can get into the food bag myself, but this is very upsetting for Mel.

Mel Buttle with her dog Ruby. Picture: Lachie Millard

I have to be very careful to only do this once or twice a year, as then Mel moves the food bag from the bench to the top of the fridge, and it’s well out of my reach.

I am only a very small lapdog, I believe myself to be around 7kg, however the vet’s scale is broken and it has me weighing close to 30kg.

The vet is a very deceitful woman, do not trust her!

The treats she puts on the floor are there to distract me from whatever it is she does to me.

I won’t go into detail here, as it is horrendous, but I do keep my tail down the minute I see the lino floor and cats in cages.

Sometimes, as I’m very small, I hide under Mel at the vet. Like Gandhi, I use nonviolent, non-cooperation in these situations.

I also use this at the dog wash and when I don’t want to leave the park. I simply refuse to move.

Mel picks me up though and carries me, which is humiliating as I’m 56. The car is a double-edged sword, sometimes after I’ve paced the back seat and licked my window clean, I’m at the beach, or a park.

Mel Buttle walks her dog Ruby. Picture: Lachie Millard

However, unfortunately I often arrive at a cage with water and I am blasted with soap.

However, as soon as I return home, I make my way to my dirt hole at the side of the house and coat myself in the beautiful fragrances of compost and lawn clippings. This displeases Mel, but I don’t care, I’m doing me right now.

Sometimes, I’m allowed on the couch, sometimes I’m not, sometimes I just take my chances and jump on and hope for the best. This works 56 per cent of the time.

Same goes for Mel’s bed.

Here’s a hot tip, never eat a bone on her bed, it’s just not worth it. You will be outside forever.

I was once outside from when it was light to when it got dark, I told all the neighbours about this atrocity by running and up and down the fence, but I think they were at the vet or the beach as they didn’t come and save me. Rude. I hate them, except for Codie as he smells like bacon and the car.

Whenever strangers come to the door, I get really angry, but then once they’re inside I am so embarrassed, I apologise profusely by bashing my head into their legs and following them into the bathroom, as is considered polite.

Originally published as What my dog is really thinking: Mel Buttle