Why Melbourne’s train network is rated the worst in Australia

A MONTH ago Melbourne’s train network was running like clockwork. At least, that’s what I thought. Then I moved to the suburbs, writes Aaron Langmaid.

A crowded Melbourne train.

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A MONTH ago Melbourne’s train network was running like clockwork.

At least, that’s what I thought.

I’d never had to use it.

In my mind, train passengers listened to Enya as they scanned their Myki cards with ease and were guided to their seats by polite and attentive Metro staff.

COMMUTERS FACE PAIN AS PROJECTS BEGIN

Then I moved to the suburbs.

Last week, as I boarded my Frankston line service to the city I inadvertently sat next to a portly gentleman using excruciatingly obvious metaphors to organise a drug deal.

“Yeeeees mate,’’ he gurgled into his Samsung S7, “the err, groceries are ready for pick up.’’

I mentally issued my first eye-roll emoticon for the day.

But there would be more.

So many more.

In the days and weeks to follow, I would learn what many passengers already knew, and what this week has been officially confirmed: Melbourne’s train network is off the rails.

Comparison site Canstar surveyed 6000 adults across Australia, and for the fifth year running, ranked Melbourne’s rail system the lowest in eight categories.

Melbourne’s Metro Trains scored three stars, trailing each city in each of the ­categories that included service reliability, ticket price, comfort, ticketing system, ­timetables, station cleanliness and safety.

And that’s before we even mention the people who use it.

Last week, another public transport twig decided to share his playlist with an entire carriage of peak hour passengers.

MELBOURNE TRAINS RATED NATION’S WORST

No earpods — an actual speaker. And he wasn’t listening to Enya.

Regular passengers have since informed me our rail system has long been as drunk as its midnight passengers.

They say the signs have always been there; if only they didn’t keep changing them.

One moment you’re on a City Loop with Flagstaff on your mind; the next your headed to Flinders St direct.

Then there’s the cramming; the knee-knockers, the bad breath bandits and B.O. brigade.

It’s ironic that getting anywhere in the world’s most liveable city requires enormous patience, stamina, a can of Rexona and some fresh mints.

Let’s hope the latest findings act as a wake up call for the Premier because right now,

Daniel Andrews is that guy — asleep in his seat and slowly lurching toward you with every slow rock and corner.

Wake up Sir, this is getting embarrassing.