What to expect in Melbourne this spring
Antihistamines are a food group, the city is gripped by swooping paranoia and Chris Scott is complaining about playing at the MCG — here’s what you can expect in Melbourne in spring.
Melbourne
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1. Your lunch is a box of antihistamine.
2. The kids somehow already know exactly what’s in every show bag at the Royal Melbourne Show, and which ones you’re going to buy for them.
3. Anyone with access to a corporate box at the football suddenly has a million friends.
4. The first jog in three months means you can no longer climb stairs.
5. Every second house is on the market.
6. The letterbox is full of wedding invitations.
7. Thick winter coats now cost about five bucks.
8. Arbory Afloat is rising up from the depths.
10. Friends returning from holidays in Europe say how cold it is in Melbourne even though this is the warmest you’ve felt in months.
11. You’re savouring a drop in heating expenses before you’re brought back down to earth by airconditioning expenses.
12. All the Poms you know are in shorts already.
13. With just a small exposure to Vitamin D and sunshine, you realise you’ve been in a bad mood since April.
14. In the absence of bitter cold, you must admit your insistence on sleeping in an extra 20 minutes is simply a character flaw.
15. You’re looking for your bike or scooter under a mountain of discarded Uber Eats bags.
17. The dog park is chockers.
18. The bathroom floor is no longer like the penguin enclosure at the aquarium.
19. Outdoor seating at the local cafe is no longer a deal breaker.
20. School holidays, which seemed to have finished three minutes ago, are coming up again.
21. Chris Scott is complaining about playing a home final at the MCG.
22. Every five minutes a bride somewhere finds out her wedding has been planned on Grand Final weekend.
23. Shop window displays are sliding back towards primary colours.
24. It’s strawberry time.
26. Your punter mates are bragging about their winnings and hiding their losses on the footy and preparing to brag about their winnings and hide their losses on the horses.
27. A thousand ageing local footy players who vowed to hang up the boots at the end of this season are already planning a comeback in March.
28. If you have ice cream in your shopping bag, you find yourself rushing home.
29. Casseroles are lessening in frequency.
30. Your friend who fancies themselves as an Instagram model is up and about.
31. Train delays have stopped meaning frostbite and have started meaning sunburn.
32. Staying at home and binging on streaming services, which started as a way to avoid the cold, is now revealed as an addiction.
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34. Anyone who suggests a picnic at the Botanical Gardens is not quite taken seriously and not quite yelled down.
35. An 18C day seems just as exciting as a 30C day should be.
36. Anyone who forgot to get a flu shot is starting to think they might be out of the woods.
37. Leaving the umbrella at home is no longer fatal.
38. It’s becoming less risky to get the car washed if you want it to stay out of the rain for more than three hours.
39. Inquiries about leopard skin active wear have tripled.
40. The gym is awash with patrons who can no longer hide under puffer jackets.
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