New movie Tommy shows emotional turmoil kids face when families break

LOVE, honour and respect are common promises on wedding days, but sadly when love does sour, it can turn into outright emotional warfare and the devastation for children can be so great for kids caught in the middle.

LOVE, honour and respect are common promises on wedding days, but sadly when love does sour, it can turn into outright emotional warfare.

And the devastation for children can be so great, family law experts often feel helpless.

Family law barrister Darren Mort could suffer despair in his job, but instead is trying to reach parents who have turned into arch-enemies, in the hope of rescuing their children.

“It’s that palpable, pure hatred that we are exposed to at the coalface of family law matters that is so significant. It overrides the love parents had for their children,” Mort says.

“Once upon a time these people loved each other and made the choice to bring a child into the world, to nourish and nurture. They have to understand they may be ex-partners, but they will never be ex-parents.”

As Mort awaits proposed government changes to the Family Law Court, increasing the number of judges to cope with the high number of cases, he decided to tackle the problem in his own way.

Lawyer/film-maker Darren Mort has made a short film about family separation through the children's eyes. Picture: Nicki Connolly

The part-time actor has contacts in film and, with co-producer Karen Hodgkins, has created short film Tommy, which he hopes will become a key evidence-based educational tool in universities, schools, conferences and even part of a TV documentary series.

Tommy, seen from the view of a 10-year-old boy whose parents are separating, is based on a case Mort handled several years ago.

“I had a custody case for a father of a young boy who used to imagine blue kangaroos jumping out of his wardrobe while his parents were fighting,” he says.

“He had been in so much pain and conflict that he developed this vision to disassociate from the stress.

“I also asked a judge at a conference if he was going to make a film on anything to do with family break-ups, what it would be, and he said straight away it would be contact change-overs (where the child is handed from one parent to another for home stays as detailed in custody arrangements).”

Mort says children deserve a voice, regardless of cultural background, age or gender.

Consultant psychologist and Family Law Court witness Dr Timothy Di Stefano says children are the victims in family breakdowns.

While tech-savvy children may appear capable of coping with pressures, Di Stefano says they are still emotionally immature and don’t have the capacity to protect themselves in the midst of conflict.

He describes many of the situations he has witnessed as child abuse.

“Children’s exposure to interminable parental conflict is a form of psychological abuse and can severely damage children’s wellbeing,” he says.

“I wonder how many parents would change their behaviour if they knew that their children’s exposure to chronic stress can result in abnormally high levels of (stress hormone) cortisol, which may compromise early brain development.”

By the time a couple separates, there has likely been cumulative stress driven by deep family dysfunction, resentments, distrust, a sense of betrayal and conflict. It can be spoken or unspoken.

“Sadly, some parents reach a point where they hate each other more than they love their children,” Di Stefano says.

Lawyer/film Maker Darren Mort. Picture: Nicki Connolly

The impact of this environment on children can be highly detrimental to their happiness, welfare and development.

Their cognitive development can be impaired and they may suffer a delusion that they are responsible for the hostility.

“Children can become trapped in a loyalty bind where they come to believe that their love and affection for one parent will disqualify them from receiving love from the other parent,” he says. “This can be so emotionally unbearable that the child resorts to psychologically splitting off and rejecting one of their loved parents as a means of escape.”

Depression, anxiety, decreased ability to regulate emotions, poor self-esteem, poor self-worth, fear of abandonment, insecurity, self-blame and guilt are some of the emotions this causes, which can lead to substance abuse later in life.

There are also likely to be delays in toileting, low school performance and inability to form lasting relationships.

So, is the best option for parents to stay together?

Di Stefano says if parents will be more amicable apart, it can be of more benefit to the child than staying in a hostile environment.

However, it is vital that parents seek the counsel of an experienced family therapist to guide any such decision.

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