The types of characters at your suburban Melbourne footy club
As Richmond fans suffer nightmares about losing to an interstate team in its infancy, local football teams across Melbourne are celebrating the end of season or training for finals glory. Here are seven players you’ll meet at any suburban club.
VIC News
Don't miss out on the headlines from VIC News. Followed categories will be added to My News.
THE TIME BOMB
A hundred and fifty kilos with pre-existing hip injuries and a family history of cardiac problems, this fella is playing roulette with his life just walking up the steps from the car park.
Ignoring advice from several GPs, three physios and a heart specialist, this hulking midfielder takes to the ground in a custom-size jumper with socks that can barely wrap themselves around his ample calves.
To the wincing anxiety of St John’s ambulance volunteers, the Time Bomb’s shepherding bounces opposition players up to four metres.
With no possessions at full time, he retires for some quiet time with a hamburger and a slab behind the stand.
THE EXCESSIVE LARRIKIN
Everybody loves a larrikin, but on Mad Monday this guy will make Justin Trudeau’s fancy dress look totally saintly.
A single tradie with a sick sense of humour and what can only be described as a chemical dependence on alcohol, the end of season trip will always finish in an emergency department or Bali’s Kerobokan Prison when this guy’s involved.
Known for on-field smack talk so blue it invokes a UN treaty, the excessive larrikin has his uses.
But don’t get on his bad side or you’ll be the victim of a practical joke that will leave scars and shame so deep you will never get over it.
THE JOHN FARNHAM
Having cut his retirement cake on three previous occasions, this haggard defender swears this is his final season and the boots are staying on the hook.
Despite claims his teammates pleaded him back into service, there is a deep suspicion this 40-year-old is persistently desperate to revive his glory years on the field and would die of shame having to man the sausage sizzle instead.
Every March, the news breaks that the old fella is going around one more time.
“This is the final time, I swear. You won’t get me back after that.”
If only.
THE BASKET CASE
With fingers of butter, legs of jelly and brains of marshmallow, the coaching team has tried their honest best with this guy.
Still unsure how many steps before a bounce and repeatedly lectured on pushing opposition players in the back, throwing, holding the ball and interchange protocol, this idiot still finds room to argue with the umpire.
An infuriating barrier to team success on the field, he’s actually a nice bloke at the barbecue.
THE GAUNT OBSESSIVE
Up at 4am when the game’s at 3pm, arriving at the ground two hours before the coach to organise equipment and get into the zone, the laser-like focus of this passionate team player could only be cured with an exorcism.
During the season his motivating group text messages arrive at all hours and his research of individual opposition players would probably substantiate a stalking charge.
Far too emotionally invested in the team’s success, when his squad makes it into the finals he babbles about fate, predestination and glory like a Roman general.
When defeat comes he lapses into a crouched depression in the change rooms, somewhere between mourning and meditation.
In the summer he plays cricket.
THE ABSENTEE
Permanently marked as interchange since he stopped coming to training in May, this ghostly player doesn’t respond to texts or calls.
Injury, laziness and dispassionate malaise prevent him from attending more than two games per season, even though his membership and registration is paid like clockwork.
When the team claims a grand final win his name is etched alongside the others on the commemorative plate and everyone at the dinner struggles to remember what he looks like.
Of course, he can’t make it to the dinner.
MORE MITCHELL TOY
DIARY OF A DODGY NBN INSTALLER
HOW MELBOURNE’S MAYORS SPEND THEIR DAYS
THE STEAM ENGINE
Some players are engines that pull their weight, other players are carriages that get pulled by others.
In this team there is one engine and twenty carriages.
Blessed with a freakish talent never elevated to a senior league because he wanted to study law, this centre half forward accounts for 60 per cent of possessions and 90 per cent of the scoring.
Almost embarrassed to claim Best and Fairest for the fourth year on the trot, any finals win can be directly attributed to this single player.
But this is D Division after all.