The seven people you see jogging in Melbourne
As the weather heats up and the desire for “bikini bods” intensifies, thousands of people everywhere grab their runners and hit the jogging tracks — and if you pay attention you’ll notice some of these characters are actually very familiar.
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It’s just ten weeks to Christmas and all across Victoria panic reigns as the bathroom scales are used for the first time since pre-season football.
As thousands take to walking paths, parks, jogging tracks are reserves around the state, the same familiar characters keep popping up.
Here are seven people you are likely to pass while out for a jog.
LEVEL CROSSING
Music blaring and nowhere in particular to be, this joy-walking blockage is the most infuriating person to get stuck behind.
Able bodied with a disregard for the universal ‘keep to the left’ rule, this ambling buffoon whistles along contently to Jason Mraz as they clog the narrow pathway.
Just like a level crossing, they hold up tonnes of traffic and should have been removed by now.
TANGLE DOG
With an agenda of its own and a master long indifferent to its wandering path, this dog is guaranteed to tangle up in your legs every time you try to walk past.
A retractable lead seemingly allows this wayward pooch to extend half a kilometre from its owner, wrapping a fine nylon cord around trees, shrubs, shins and other dogs.
Like the scene in the snow from The Empire Strikes Back, joggers and walker alike are taken down one by one by this unwelcome new friend.
A simple “Oh, sorry” from the owner doesn’t cut the mustard.
MOBILE CIRCUS
With three kids on training-wheeled bikes, each with a precariously stacked ice cream from Mr Whippy, there is no such thing as a relaxing walk for this mum and dad.
Constantly pulling one kid by the collar from oncoming cycling traffic and constantly telling another to put sticks down and stop approaching strangers’ dogs, nobody can blame them for occupying a bit more of the path than is otherwise permissible.
SEASONAL BATTLER
Bright red after forgetting sunscreen, and wearing runners that haven’t seen daylight since February, the first jog of the season isn’t going as expected for this rotund battler.
Facing an uphill battle literally and figuratively to get the tum under control for summer, this waddling fitness aspirant attracts looks of sympathy from passers by who find themselves checking the surrounding parkland for the best ambulance access point, just in case things get too much.
Audible panting moans and a torrent of sweat emanate from the seasonal battler’s face as they regret not going to the gym over winter, especially since they paid for the membership anyway.
MOTORISED SCOOTER DUDE
Having played too much Grand Theft Auto as a kid and possessing a distinct disregard for the safety of himself and others, motorised scooter dude is coming through so watch out.
What starts as a distant hum akin to a nearby insect quickly becomes a roaring whir as a backward-cap-wearing, long-haired yahoo blurs past just centimetres from your bare ankles.
Weaving through walkers, bikes, children and dogs, this idiot must have a death wish.
LOST HORDE
Confused, taking photos of Minah birds and wondering where the bus was parked, this gaggle of dazed tourists is finding out the hard way that Aerogard is a necessity in Australia.
Like Moses’ people lost in the desert they humbly approach and, via a translation app on their Huawei mobile, ask how far it is to walk to the Brighton Bathing Boxes.
Formulating an answer is difficult, especially since their English isn’t great and they’re standing next to the bank of the Maribyrnong some 30km from Brighton Beach.
In the end you just point vaguely in the direction of the bay and leave them to their merry adventure.
POWER TALKERS
While a swift walk tones the calves, it’s a miracle there is anything left of the vocal cords in this pair of chatterboxes.
At a walking pace of 7km/h and a talking pace of 300km/h you hear them well before you see them.
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Get ready for a fly-by serve of goss about who’s divorcing two, which teachers are on with which, whose kids did badly on the NAPLAN and who does the best shellac nails.
By the end of it 4000 calories are burned, only a small portion of which are directly attributable to the walk.
Also common is the lone power talker who uses bluetooth technology to appear as if she or he is ranting at 200 syllables per minute at thin air.
The visor and up-market walking pants give them away.