The NBN jargon you need to know

DID you know that NBN rollout really refers to the time NBN installation contractors roll out of bed? Here’s an unhelpful glossary of empty jargon to help you navigate the National Broadband Network.

ELEVEN long years ago the ball got rolling on Australia’s largest communication infrastructure project ever.

And despite the fact it’s not entirely ready yet, baffling terminology continues to invade common usage.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO ROLL OUT NBN?

So if you’re having trouble distinguishing ADSL from Fibre to the Premises or Telstra from a cluster headache, here’s a handy glossary or terms about the National Broadband Network.

Connection Speed

The time it takes for an incumbent minister to blame a previous government if the connection is slow.

An army of NBN workers gather around a hole in Spotswood.

Internet Service Provider

A misleading name for telcos who, when your internet is down, provide little to no service.

Fibre Distribution Hub

A bakery.

Fibre to the Kerb

The fate of a partially digested kebab roll when its consumer is too intoxicated.

Fibre to the Premises

Ordering Italian on UberEATS.

Four to Five Years

Five to ten years.

Gigabits Per Second

The rate at which politicians and bureaucrats use technical language to mask administrative failure.

Broadband

A musical group battling obesity.

Copper Wire

A microphone worn by undercover police during a sting.

Multi-Technology Mix

When you use your phone to take a video of something funny on the TV so you can send it to friends.

Telstra

An organisation that provides phones to consumers, then keeps consumers holding for lengthy periods on those same phones.

Hybrid-Fibre Coaxial

An episode cut from Dr Who.

G.fast

When a government official shifts blame about rollout time to another party with such impressive speed you utter “Gee. Fast.”

Fixed Wireless

A radio with an old coat hanger replacing a busted aerial.

Hypertext

Copping lots of autocorrects because you’re texting after too many coffees.

Asymmetrical Broadband

When expectations about NBN availability and performance don’t match up with reality.

Server

An antiquated role no longer found at petrol stations, banks, post offices or supermarkets.

4G

The fourth generation of voters who will likely be told the NBN is really almost ready.

High Speed Packet Access

When your pantry is adequately stocked with chips.

Cookies

Small fragments stored without your knowledge in your computer, usually in the form of biscuit crumbs in your keyboard.

Internet of Things

When things you impulsively buy off the internet show up at your door a month later and clutter up your house.

End of Life

The political fate of governments that over-promise on huge infrastructure projects.

Virtual Private Network

The social and policy bubble in Canberra that is virtually impenetrable by outside influence.

Bluetooth

The condition of your mouth after eating too many blue Warheads.

Web Browser

An infuriating colleague who shops online all day when they should be working.

Safari

Visiting Centrelink.

ADSL

A Decade Seems Long. The standard response when told how long the NBN takes to complete.

Malware

Short for “Where’s Malcolm?”

Cloud Storage

The extra luggage allowance given to ministers on business class flights.

Passive Optical Network

A social club for agreeable optometrists.

Phishing Scam

When you phake a sickie on a Phriday to go phishing with your phriends.

Rollout

When NBN installation contractors roll out of bed. This is often later than expected.

@MitchellToy