Modern dads feel lost, ’like a shadow in the room’

New fathers say they are feeling more conflicted about their role as “modern dads” because they often feel disconnected, like a secondary figure in their child’s life.

New dads think being a father is the “best job in the world” but often feel like a “shadow in the room”, a new study has found.

Fathers feel conflicted about their role as an involved “modern dad” because they are often treated as a secondary figure in their child’s life.

These findings come from Flinders University researchers who analysed 68 academic studies covering many thousands of fathers. Many reported the experience was largely positive but was a huge “rollercoaster ride” and a “big learning experience”.

“Fathers reported initially feeling disconnected to their infants, which often fed into feelings of self-consciousness when concerned that they weren’t bonding with them or able to calm them,” said the lead researcher, clinical psychologist Dr Anthony Venning.

“Fathers reported challenges in many areas, including striking a balance between work and home life, and feeling overwhelmed with these obligations.”

Joshua Mastrogiuseppe with his daughter, Isabella, 10 weeks. Picture: Jay Town

Additionally, fathers reported copping a lot of flak if they chose to be a stay-at-home-dad. Dr Venning said fathers had to come to terms with a change in their role from breadwinner to nurturer.

He noted that many “felt physically exhausted by the experience of being a new ­father and were unprepared for the extreme sleep deprivation and fatigue”.

Fathers reported a lack of paternal-oriented programs focusing on the needs of dads solely, with many saying they felt “left out” and/or “belittled” by health professionals during the peri-natal period.

“Fathers often characterised themselves as ‘blokes’ and ‘manly’, who ‘don’t ask questions’ with the topic of mental illness still very much ‘kept in the closet’,” Dr Venning and his team wrote.

They concluded that the “peri-natal period is a teachable moment for fathers and the community that is yet to be fully utilised”.

Melbourne dad of two, Joshua Mastrogiuseppe tries to balance work and quality time with his kids, but said there was only so much he could do.

“The only time I really get with Isabella is after work and on weekends,” he said.

“I try and do as much nursing and bottle feeding as I can but, really, Mum gets all of the bonding time.

“With my first I was able to take a month off work but I could really only take the two weeks off with Isabella, I didn’t have much choice. I would love to be around a bit more but it’s just hard, I still need to support the family.”

The study was undertaken at the request of the South Australian Mental Health Commission to look at how to boost the mental health and wellbeing of new fathers.

[e-mail]