Lawyers share tips on how to have a good divorce

Melbourne’s top divorce lawyers have shared what not to do when your relationship hits the skids and why unhappy couples are choosing to call it quits.

The end of a marriage can often be a traumatic time for couples, but some of Melbourne’s top lawyers have shared how to make the process as pain-free as possible.

It comes as lawyers report divorce is no longer a dirty word, with unhappy spouses more than willing to call it quits as they chase happiness.

Margaret Neal, principal of marshalls+dent+wilmoth lawyers, advised couples to keep their kids away from any arguments.

“Quarantine your children from things is No. 1,” she said.

“Kids will flourish in life if they are free to love both their parents – they are a part of both of you.”

Ms Neal also advised couples to get advice early.

“Sound guidance to manage parenting and finances well, setting a calm and constructive way forwards, is key to minimising the conflict and trauma.

“(And) back yourself. There is life after divorce! Things will get better. You will get there faster if you surround yourself with a few trusted friends. Stay off social media!”

The end of a marriage can bring a lot of stress.

Rachell Davey, partner in the Family Law Group at Lander & Rogers, also urged couples to get advice from an experienced family lawyer as early as they possibly could.

“I think a lot of people think when they engage a lawyer for their divorce that means that their divorce is going to turn into something acrimonious or world war three,” she said.

“But it’s quite the opposite – getting advice at an early stage from an experienced family lawyer can really save people costs and delays.”

Ms Davey also urged couples to provide information requested by lawyers as quickly as possible.

“Most property permit matters that don’t resolve quickly are ones where people are not cooperative in terms of the provision of information,” she said.

“Wherever possible provide as much information as quickly as possible to the other person’s lawyer.”

And Ms Davey’s No. 1 tip? Wherever possible avoid going to court.

“There are many avenues that are open to people to try and resolve their disputes without going to court and they should always be explored as fully as possible without resorting to litigation.”

She said post-Covid, more people were a lot more willing to accept divorce as an option as they chased their life goals.

“Divorce certainly does not have the stigma attached to it that it has done for previous generations,” she said.

“I think we’re seeing a lot more people who are willing to accept divorce as an option in order to meet their life goals and to satisfy their life aims.”

Divorcing parents are urged to keep any arguments away from children.

Paul Fildes, a family law specialist from Taussig Cherrie Fildes, also urged couples to obtain legal advice early to find out their rights and obligations.

“In parenting matters, remain child-focused and try to keep the children out of the dispute and not make derogatory remarks about the other parent in the presence of the children,” he said.

Mr Fildes agreed that separation and divorce was now more socially acceptable compared to the 1960s and 1970s.

“I am on occasions seeing clients (aged) in their 70s and 80s,” he said.

“(But) I am not aware of any magical length of marriage which appears to be a tipping point for separation. “

Warring couples are advised to avoid social media.

Barry Nilsson Family Law Principal, James Steel, also urged couples to obtain specialist family law advice early and follow it.

“(Also) if in doubt as to whether or not to do something, consider how you would react to the other party doing or not doing that something,” he said.

Mr Steel also advised ditching social media.

He said people were generally just not prepared to remain in unhappy marriages or relationships in 2024.

“Divorce or separation is now normalised to the extent that people feel confident to leave their partner without exposing themselves or their children (where relevant) to social stigmas,” he said.

“One of the main issues that confront people when they divorce/separate is whether they are going to have financial security post separation.”

Mr Steel said he had seen a trend in the divorce/separation age rising moderately over time.

“The age that people marry/partner however has risen significantly,” he said.

“This means that people are having much shorter relationships, of say 10 years plus rather than 20 years plus.

“This can often result in there being younger children of the relationship when people come to divorce/separate.”

Divorcing couples are also urged to try and avoid the courtroom.

Tanya Musgrove, a family lawyer, mediator and divorce coach who shares her tips on TikTok, urged couples going through a divorce to pick their battles.

“Too often, people focus too much on winning and being right but this comes at a cost, both financially and emotionally,” she said.

She also urged couples to seek therapy even if they felt like they didn’t need it.

“Often, people lack a lot of self-awareness about how their behaviour is contributing to the conflict and will usually blame the other person when there is a fight.”

Ms Musgrove also urged couples to try and avoid going to court.

“ … Engage in dispute resolution like mediation or arbitration rather than running straight to court,” she said.

Gary Yan, partner at Coote Family Lawyers, said with the cost of living soaring and rentals hard to find, increasingly couples who called it quits remained living under the same roof because they couldn’t afford to have a financial separation.

“Because of the cost of living, it is so much harder to run two households and a lot of people can’t afford that,” he said.

“The rental market is also so hard to get into, even if they wanted to live separately, they may not be able to.”

Mr Yan also urged couples to get early advice when they decided to separate.

“Speak to a lawyer at an early stage. I think that really helps with making decisions,” he said.

“And try not to put your head in the sand and understand your finances, especially in this current time.

“This is not at all a criticism, but a lot of the time in couples one party is in control of the finances and the other party isn’t, and then all of a sudden it can put them on the back foot.”

Common reasons couples divorce include domestic/family violence, growing apart over time, infidelity, financial stress/cost of living – often exacerbated by Covid lockdowns, substance abuse and/or serious mental health issues.