How to make your kids more resilient and build up their strengths

FOCUSING on strengths instead of just fixing their weaknesses is the key to building resilience in children, says a Melbourne expert who has spoken to tens of thousands of kids.

Personal trainer Paapa Kweku Aboagye, with daughter Azariyah, 3, practices strong positive reinforcement by tapping into his children's strengths. Picture: Jake Nowakowski

PARENTS should build up their child’s strengths rather than just fix their weaknesses, an international parenting expert says.

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In her new book, The Strength Switch, University of Melbourne psychologist Dr Lea Waters says parents should focus more on what children do well, and the positive character traits they have.

“It’s all about building wellbeing, fostering the child-parent bond and helping kids to reach their potential. These are the three things every parent wants,” Dr Waters, director of the Centre for Positive Psychology, said.

“Our natural temptation as parents is to correct weaknesses, and it’s not so natural to build strengths instead. Even though it can be really loving, it’s about fixing up what’s wrong, not building up what’s right,” she said.

Dr Waters, a Melbourne-based mother of two, has spent more than a decade talking to literally tens of thousands of children in hundreds of schools.

“Parents might think building on strengths would lead to children being big-headed but the opposite is true. Parents do tend to already focus on weakness — they know what their child is not so good at — and so this is a valuable counterbalance,” she said.

Dr Waters said any praise or focus on strength “should be based on reality, otherwise the child will know it’s just a false premise”.

She wants parents to “flick the strength switch” and not only identify things their child is good at, such as sport or school work, but identify positive character traits also.

“Praise them for being kind or brave, open-minded or fair,” she said. “This gives kids a toolkit to draw on which can make them more resilient and self-assured.”

Dr Waters’ book offers a process to help parents understand the notion of strengths and build them up.

Mulgrave father of two and personal trainer Paapa Kweku Aboagye, 37, loves the idea of focusing on the strengths of daughter Azariyah, 3, and son Zendai, 1.

“One of the biggest mistakes people in society make is to focus on what people are doing wrong rather than what they are doing right,” he said.

“Now that my daughter is toilet training, we count the times she’s used the toilet rather than the accidents she’s had,” he said. “It gets rid of any shame she might have.

“It also shows that it’s always better to be kind than to be right.”