‘He would have killed me’: Jade Benham bolsters national movement with chilling personal account

Mildura MP Jade Benham has detailed the chilling night her ex nearly strangled her to death, demanding the government finally deliver “some real action” to combat violence against women.

Mildura MP Jade Benham sees it her duty to speak up as the nation embarks on a conversation about violence against women. Picture: David Geraghty

If it wasn’t for her downstairs neighbour, Jade Benham is certain that she’d be dead.

More than two decades on, she stands tall in the Victorian parliament, but the Mildura MP carries with her a vulnerable side that she doesn’t usually talk about.

But as the nation embarks on a conversation about violence against women, Benham sees this as her duty to speak up.

She’s sick of talking, though, and she’s sick of governments across the country “pontificating”, as she calls it. She wants real action.

“For someone that could talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles, I’m sick of talking,” she says.

“The time for talking is done. Give us some actual action. Stop telling us what you are doing and get on the ground and actually be practical about this.”

It was 2002 and Benham, just 22 years old, was living in South Yarra with her “first love”. They had been together five years, since she was 17.

She vividly recalls the night that her life almost ended.

She was organising for her car battery to be replaced. Her ex, who had been drinking at the pub, was triggered that she had been in contact with another man.

“That’s all it took to cause the blow up,” she recalled.

“He was 6 foot 4. I couldn’t overpower him. He was holding me down around the neck and was just laying into me.

“It wasn’t the first time that he tried to strangle me but it was the first time that I thought ‘holy shit, I actually can’t do anything here, I can’t fight him off.

“I remember thinking to myself ‘this is it’. I was absolutely fearing for my life.”

A neighbour living directly downstairs heard the commotion and Benham’s attempts to scream for help, and ran upstairs to intervene.

“I have no doubt, looking back at it now, that if my neighbours didn’t come in, he would have killed me that night. Absolutely,” she said.

“I very nearly did become a statistic.”

Mildura MP Jade Benham was nearly strangled to death by her ex-partner when she was 22-years old. Picture: Facebook

Police were called but said they were powerless to arrest. Instead, alone in the city, Benham called a new work colleague and slept on their couch.

“The police said they couldn’t make him go anywhere. Even though I had bruises everywhere, I didn’t have any blood so the cops said I couldn’t press charges,” she said.

Red flags were there from the beginning

The warning signs were in place from the very beginning of the relationship. First it was the love bombing, then came the isolation from friends and family. It wasn’t long until the physical abuse started.

The pair moved up to Queensland to start a new life away from everyone and anyone they’ve ever known. It was here that the violence ramped up.

“We were completely isolated from everyone we knew. There was no FaceTime in those days so it didn’t matter how many bruises I had all over me, no one was ever going to see it,” she said.

Mildura MP Jade Benham said women remain unsure of how to seek out support. Picture: Facebook

The pair eventually moved back to Melbourne, where they settled in South Yarra – hours away from Benham’s family.

Even though she was back in her home state, she didn’t have any friends because she was never allowed to see them.

“The control completely cleared out my friends. I had literally zero friends left, I wasn’t allowed to have friends,” she said.

“I was so naive to the rest of the world because I was literally wrapped up in this little bubble. By the time it really hit the fan, it was too late.”

In reflection, Benham said the red flags were there, but at the end of the year she was just 20 years old, and didn’t know better. She was confused, lost and alone.

“There was no word for gaslighting, there was no word for coercive control. It was just ‘giving the missus a backhander’, quite frankly,” she said.

“Hindsight is 2020. I look back now at it all now and how it started as a little push and a shove here and there before things escalated and suddenly until it’s repeated assault.

“Essentially it led to rape. There were times when you’re being held down while you’re crying and screaming.

“You kind of don’t know any different because you’ve been gaslit into a situation. You just think it’s normal. They turn around 24 hours and say things like ‘I’m sorry, I love you but even if you did leave me nobody else is going to want you’.”

The weeks and months after the final incident were a blur, and Benham lived in constant fear that he’d come back.

“I hadn’t had the opportunity to grow and develop on my own, but all of a sudden you’ve had the blindfold ripped from your eyes and you’re alone in the city,” she said.

She was able to reconnect with family and friends, and slowly rebuild trust in people. But she struggled for years, and the pain continued.

Her abusive ex took his own life one year later, which left her feeling confused. Like many victims, she felt guilty.

But it was three years later, aged 26, Benham was living in Palo Alto, California when she had an “epiphany”.

“I was sitting there and something came over me and I realised that I was truly ready to move on and let it all go,” she said.

MP Jade Benham, centre, with her parlimentary colleagues. Picture: Supplied

Benham first spoke out about her ordeal publicly in the parliament late last year, when the government introduced legislation that could jail perpetrators who strangle their partners.

The offence of non-fatal strangulation, where a perpetrator intentionally causes injury, will carry a maximum penalty of 10 years’ jail.

Benham said she felt compelled to speak out about her own lived experience, as the nation unites to look at ways to end the scourge of violence against women.

“It’s my civic duty to actually say something.”

Jade Benham said politicians were thinking about the issue through an “adult lens” and had to consider those who didn’t know where to get help. Picture: NCA NewsWire

While the stigma has changed, women are still unsure of how to seek out support, Benham said.

“There’s much more of a conversation about it now, but still it’s not clear where I would actually go to get help if this was happening to me now,” she said.

“Would I start with 1800 RESPECT? What is the step-by-process to assistance? There’s so many conflicting messages from different services. Where do you start? Is it any wonder that women don’t leave?

“Politicians are thinking about this through their adult lens. A 22-year-old girl doesn’t know where to get help, or how to get help. At least I didn’t.”

Benham, who represents Mildura which has one of the highest rates of family violence in the state, is sick of politicians talking.

“Those on the ground that have actually been through it have the solutions – put money into frontline resources,” she said.