Hamish McLachlan: Tim Paine and wife Bonnie reveal all on sexting scandal

In an exclusive interview, Tim Paine reveals why he sent crude sexts to a woman behind his loving wife’s back, saying “it’ll be a life of regret that I did”.

On Friday Tim Paine resigned as captain of the Australian cricket team. A position he coveted, but a position he felt he no longer deserved as a result of his actions in 2017, over an 18 hour text exchange with a female colleague.

Tim and his wife Bonnie felt there were questions people wanted to ask, and by talking, some may be answered. We spoke on Friday night about how they dealt with it privately together in 2018, how difficult it was telling the world yesterday, forgiveness, regrets, and tomorrow.

HM: I’m sure it’s been an incredibly stressful 48 hours – how are you both coping?

TP: Not so well. I feel terrible, to be honest. Although Bonnie and I have both known about all this for three years, to have it played out like this is really distressing, and upsetting, and I’m really embarrassed. Really embarrassed. I feel sick for Bonnie, and for my family more than anything else.

BP: I have a bit of sympathy for Tim at the moment. A lot actually. He and I went through all of this privately in 2018. It was horrific then … and is really hard … and now …

HM: And now you’re going through it again, very publicly.

BP: We will. I have had my time of getting angry, and venting, and to get upset, and we fought and we talked, and then we both decided to move on with life, and do it together. I feel a bit frustrated that it’s all been brought up and aired in the public when we’d put it to bed years ago. I have moved forward since then. I feel like there is a lot of injustice for it being dragged out again.

HM: Did you feel it was behind you when you dealt with the issue in 2018?

BP: We thought so. We had all dealt with it. Tim had dealt with the repercussions from Cricket Australia, being scrutinised and investigated, and then he had to tell me and deal with me being upset. Now, it seems unfair that it’s being aired out to everyone else to view and judge.

HM: How hard was it for you, Bonnie, three years ago when Tim came to tell you he’d had a text exchange with a work colleague and had broken your trust?

BP: I was shocked. I remember feeling angry because we had a little girl that wasn’t too old. At the same time, Tim and I had been in a long relationship, it’d been 10 years, and God knows we had had our ups and downs, and I don’t claim to be perfect, but I was still completely rocked.

HM: Was your marriage at the time of the texts in a good spot?

BP: It was stressful. We’d just had a new baby, and Tim was away a lot, so it was a very stressful time in the relationship.

TP: We had been together a long time, and we’d been through a lot. If I was being honest, I probably took things for granted a little. I got complacent. I wasn’t as grateful as I should have been to have Bonnie in my life.

BP: You lost your way a bit ….

TP: That’s not a bad way of putting it. I certainly had. Months before that I was retiring from first class cricket and accepting a job for Kookaburra. My cricket career was nearly done. But then everything changed direction at a rapid pace.

HM: Marriages, relationships, even the best, are filled with plenty of challenges.

BP: And they are testing. And you need to forgive. We had been together a long time and maybe lost sight of some important things. Relationships are bloody hard. Whether it’s with your family, with your sister, your husband, your partner, you make mistakes. It’s hard enough to have that happen privately in your relationship, inside your own four walls, just the two of you, but it’s harder when everyone has an opinion, and everyone wants to know about your personal life.

TP: Relationships, marriages, kids – it’s all hard, but none of that can be an excuse for what I did.

HM: Can I ask some questions that I think are still grey for some?

TP: Sure mate.

Tim Paine leaves Queenborough Oval, Hobart, on Saturday. Picture: Chris Kidd

Bonnie and Tim Paine attending the Amazon Original premiere of The Test: A New Era for Australia’s Team last year.

HM: You’ve made a mistake that many make – and you’ll pay an enormous price because of your profile. Can I ask, why? Why did you send the messages?

TP: Ummmm … yeah … (long emotional pause) … that’s, that’s a good question. I’m not even sure there is a simple, clear answer. I battle with that every day, “Why did I send those messages?” Maybe it’s as simple as stupidity? Or an inflated ego? Or feeling needed or wanted, being flattering. Or that it was dangerous or risqué? I don’t know, I’m not sure. But I know I wish I hadn’t, and it’ll be a life of regret that I did.

HM: How did the text exchange start?

TP: A female colleague who worked at Cricket Tasmania and I would communicate over text around cricket issues. There was nothing unusual about it. But then, one text was sent that was a little open-ended, and it became a flirtatious exchange that should never have.

HM: Over how long a period?

TP: A night, and then a few the next morning.

HM: 18 hours or so that changes your life.

TP: Yeah. Mine, and Bonnie’s, and our friends and family. All because I messed up.

HM: Did you ever have a physical, intimate relationship with her?

TP: No. It was just a series of texts that should never have happened.

HM: How did private texts become public?

TP: I’m not sure. It’s a question I don’t know the answer to, but it certainly wasn’t myself or Bonnie.

HM: How long was it after the exchange of texts that it became known to you that it was going to become an issue and a complaint had been made?

TP: It was months after, I think in May 2018 when Nick Cummins, the CEO of Cricket Tasmania, rang me to ask about the exchange.

HM: When were the texts?

TP: Late 2017.

HM: Do you know why it took so long to become an issue?

TP: No, I don’t, I have no idea why it took so long.

HM: When did you tell Bonnie?

TP: As soon as a complaint was lodged. I told her everything. I admitted to all of it. As hard as that was, it was the best thing I did.

HM: Did you feel that (Friday) was inevitable? That it was all a ticking time bomb, given the nature of the texts?

TP: Yeah, I did, absolutely. I thought the issue was dealt with, but it always popped up around a big series, or at the start of the cricket season. Over the last three years, there have been numerous times where media agencies have put to us that they had evidence, yet they never chose to write it. As to why, I’m not sure, but nobody else had chosen to write the story, but I knew it was going to come out at some point, as much as I didn’t want it to.

HM: The Cricket Australia investigation, and the Cricket Tasmania investigation, cleared you of any wrongdoing. Were you surprised by this?

TP: Not really. It was two consenting adults exchanging private messages.

BP: They found there was no wrongdoing, essentially.

HM: Just on the CA and the Cricket Tasmania inquiry – what were you cleared of?

TP: I was cleared of any improper behaviour, under the code of conduct.

An emotional Tim Paine announces he’s stepping down as Australian Test cricket captain. Picture: Chris Kidd

HM: Given you were cleared by both bodies, why did you feel a sense of obligation to resign as Australian cricket captain?

TP: We were made aware that the messages were going to be made public and I understood how that would become a media frenzy. I didn’t want that to be an ongoing distraction for my family, and I didn’t want it to be an ongoing distraction for my teammates. I just thought it was the right thing to do.

HM: You were made captain of the national team after you sent the messages, but before the complaint and subsequent investigations. Were you reticent to accept the captaincy knowing that this day may come?

TP: No I wasn’t. Because it was a consensual exchange of messages months beforehand, I didn’t think it was anything to consider. I never thought for a moment that it would become an issue. I was just excited and honoured to be asked.

HM: Did you ever contemplate retiring completely, as opposed to resigning as captain?

TP: No, I didn’t actually. Resign, or don’t resign – they were the alternatives I was tossing up. I wasn’t going to retire, I’d been pretty clear I wanted to keep playing, and potentially finish after this Ashes series. I see that as the ultimate high, to be able to finish your test career after winning an Ashes series in Australia. That’s the dream. That’s what I want to do. To go and represent my country, well, and help win the Ashes.

HM: Do you feel you will be ready to play for the country – can you carry this burden into an Ashes series?

TP: Yep, I’m sure I can.

HM: Was it your call to resign, or were you pushed?

TP: No, it was mine and mine alone. It was hard, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel completely gutted, but it’s all my doing, and I know resigning is the right call.

HM: Did any senior officials try to talk you out of resigning, to try and keep you in the role?

TP: No, no they didn’t, none. I had plenty of people that I talked to, that I respect, who wanted me to stay in the role, and thought I should have, but for all the reasons we’ve talked about, I thought, no, I knew, it was the right thing to do by everyone.

HM: How have your teammates and the coach been?

TP: They have been unbelievably supportive. JL (Justin Langer) told me he’s devastated. He was pretty firm that he wanted me to continue as captain, and again, once I explained to him the reasons that I thought resigning was the best thing to do, he was with me all the way. I’ve got messages from all my teammates saying they’ve got my back, and that we all make mistakes, and we move on.

HM: How many knew?

TP: None, I don’t think.

HM: Wow! You didn’t share it with them to try and help yourself through it as a couple, or individually?

BP: Tim didn’t want to. He felt so embarrassed he didn’t want anyone to know.

TP: I only told a couple of people, but with most things where I have been wrong, or done the wrong thing, I’d just held it all to myself, and tried to fight my way through it all, which is actually bloody unhealthy. I’ve learnt that isn’t the best way to deal with these things.

BP: You telling me was a huge progression for us. You kept everything so secretive prior to that.

TP: Yeah, I did. Bonnie has helped me through that. She has shown me I need to own up to mistakes to become a better person, father, husband, son. For years, I kept things inside, I bottled everything up, and that’s why sometimes I do stupid things. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t tell people how I was feeling, I didn’t share. Bonnie has been good at helping me change that.

BP: Weirdly, this mess has actually helped our relationship. I can’t believe I am saying that …

TP: I know … I agree, but it does sound crazy saying that! Since that conversation over three years ago, a strengthening of open honesty between the two of us, our marriage, relationship, bond, trust, has continued to strengthen. I guess that is the good that has come out of a scenario with very little good!

Tim Paine quit as Australian Test cricket captain over what he described as an inappropriate ‘private text exchange’ with a then-colleague. Picture: Patrick Hamilton

HM: It seems from getting caught, it has been transformational in a weird way, and by choosing to be open with Bonnie about this it has allowed you to become completely open in every aspect of your relationship, every vulnerability, every fragility, everything you’re fearful of …

TP: Yeah, it did, it has. It’s a completely different relationship now. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and this is as big as it gets, but I’m not afraid to address them with Bonnie anymore. I used to be. I felt I had to be perfect. I felt I was unable to get it wrong. I now know I won’t get it all right, but when I am wrong, we talk about it and try and work on getting it right. I feel much freer, and I’m grateful for a second chance from Bon to be able to feel like this.

HM: I imagine it must have been tempting to take the chance that it didn’t come, but you’ve taken the approach to tell your family and address it head on. It must have been one of the more confronting things you’ve ever done in your life.

TP: It’s the hardest thing I’ve done. As we’ve touched on, I have made mistakes, and this is one of them. I wanted to own up and own everything. Bonnie and I have been strong on telling each other everything, to try to grow and take our relationship to the strongest possible point, and to do that, sometimes you need a clean slate. I saw this as an opportunity to put everything on the table and put myself out there and start again. I’m extremely lucky that I’ve got an amazing wife who’s forgiving, strong, and beautiful. I feel blessed that she’s taken everything on board that I’ve spoken to her about, accepted it, and still loves me and wants to move on.

BP: I’ve just been listening and been reflecting on when you told me about it all, and although I was shocked, and really upset, I did actually have huge admiration for you for telling me to my face. You could have so easily not done that. That really built a strong part of our relationship. Although I had mixed emotions, and I felt betrayed, and I felt hurt, upset, and I felt pissed off, I also had feelings of gratitude because he was being so honest with me. I thought, OK, do I walk? Or forgive and rebuild? I chose the latter.

TP: Luckily. Big or small, there were some other things I felt that I needed to get off my chest. It was really important that everything was on the table. I did that, and we have slowly built to where we are today, which, as a couple, is unbelievably strong.

HM: Were you always going to get through this as a couple?

BP: No, I couldn’t say that with any certainty. But Tim proved himself to me during that time.

TP: I wasn’t so sure.

HM: You wanted it to work, but you weren’t sure if Bon would stay?

TP: Exactly. I’d made mistakes, I absolutely wanted in, but I wasn’t sure she was going to stick around.

BP: It was a terrible time. It was a time that would have been tough even if things were good. We had just had a little girl, I was pregnant again, and I’d just lost my Dad. I was in a really vulnerable situation already. The thought of ending my relationship on top of all of that was too much. Maybe that was a fortunate thing. I stayed, and he earned my trust back over time.

HM: Tim, you were such a huge part of the rebirth of the Australian game. Your exit as captain is now the lowest point of your professional career. Throughout that period, what has flourished, ironically, is your marriage.

TP: Over the last three years, we have been through so much together, and we’ve got through it. You either get through it, and you become stronger, or you don’t last. We have been up, down, and all over the shop, but we have got to where we are through working on it.

HM: The broader family – how have they been affected by this?

BP: The kids have no idea, they’re, luckily, blissfully unaware because they are so young. My mum and my sister already knew, because I told them at the time, so this isn’t a shock for them. They are just supporting me, and Tim, and they know that we have moved on and we are strong. They’ve been the cornerstones of our support. They helped me move on.

HM: Bonnie, how did you learn to forgive?

BP: No one is perfect. You’ve got to give people second chances. Like I said before, Tim came and told me to my face, he told me the ins and outs, and he didn’t have to do that. I have a huge amount of respect for him for doing that. It was never a question of love; we have always loved each other deeply. It was hard, he has forgiven me for things, and people have forgiven me in my past, so I just felt I owed it to Tim to try and forgive.

HM: Did you watch the press conference today, Bonnie?

BP: Yes.

HM: How did you feel watching?

BP: It broke my heart to be honest. I feel this is a severe repercussion for actions that happened a long time ago and were dealt with. It’s sad that he felt he had to step down as captain over it, and I just think that’s unfair. I felt sad for him.

HM: Telling Bonnie would have been difficult but telling the world what you’ve done – not many people have to admit to a mistake of such magnitude in front of the world.

TP: No. It was challenging, it can be bloody hard in the public eye, but I made the mistake, I had to own it. But today wasn’t as hard as telling Bonnie a few years ago.

HM: What was your lowest point, Tim?

TP: Having to tell Bonnie about how I had betrayed her. That was as hard as anything I have ever had to face. I think about that now and I still cringe. How could I hurt someone so badly that has given me so much. Unforgivable.

BP: As hard as it was for you, it was also a weight off your shoulders.

TP: Yeah, it was. It was a life shaping moment. Having your partner know things – everything – is relieving. It allowed me to tell her everything. Everything. I was embarrassed about what I had done and was afraid of her knowing things about me. We had been together so long, but I still didn’t open right up. I didn’t have to hide anything anymore, or be worried about it. She knows stuff about me that no one knows, and luckily for me, she still loves me.

HM: What do you think tomorrow looks like?

BP: The weight is off our shoulders. Today was worse than what tomorrow could be, surely. I hope so anyway.

TP: It’s hard to say, because we have never been through anything like this. As I’ve been told a few times today, the sun comes up tomorrow, and it’s a new day. You take it for what it is, and see what comes from it. I don’t really know what to expect.

BP: The amount of support we have been shown from our friends, it makes me feel like we are really lucky, and they have our backs. There are worse things happening in the world, we can’t dwell on this.

HM: What worries you most now, Tim, outside of your relationship with Bonnie? What concerns you? Are you worried about playing cricket this week? Going down to the coffee shop? Your legacy?

TP: It all does, it all worries me. Reconnecting back into life is going to be daunting. I will be hiding a bit, I’m embarrassed, it’s overwhelming and it’s going to be a real challenge.

Bonnie Paine says she’s learnt ‘the skill of forgiveness’. Picture: Instagram

HM: This morning you were the lauded Australian test captain. Now, you are not. Life changes quickly. For better, and worse.

TP: It does. I know I will have to carry this with me for the rest of my life. Every time I walk into a room from now on, I know what people will be thinking. And that is embarrassing, and it hurts, deep down. I’m not sure that will ever fade. I hope it does, but the person that is most important to me is Bonnie, and she now knows the worst of me. But somehow, she sees the best in me. I feel very fortunate and lucky that she is so forgiving, and hope she’s going to stick by me, through thick and thin.

BP: I will.

HM: All of us are learning every day. What’s the big learning out of it all for you?

TP: Wow … ummm … respect all around you, and all that you have. Don’t lose sight of how lucky you are to have those in your life that love you. Avoid temptation and don’t be an idiot, and don’t take what you’ve got for granted. Remain respectful and grateful. There are periods of time where I have, and I’ve been a bit reckless, stupid, and it nearly cost me my marriage.

HM: What have you taken out of this mess, Bonnie?

BP: I was pissed off for a long time, after it happened! At the time, my grief for my dad was more powerful than being angry at Tim. I learnt that I could forgive someone. I never thought I was strong enough to forgive someone, to move past it, and stick with them. I’ve learnt the skill of forgiveness, which is really difficult. My trust was a bit shattered from it and learning to try and trust again, was a process. I had my doubts, and there were times where I wanted to leave, and there were times I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. It was very confusing. It did take a long time for us to be strong again, and for us to be in a good place, but we are now.

HM: People say they don’t have regrets …

BP: … we all have regrets … I guess it’s how you move on from them that counts.

TP: … I laugh when people say that. We all have millions of moments in our lives that we’d like to go back and do things differently. Some things are small and inconsequential, and some are big and life-changing. This is one of those. Do I regret it? Absolutely.