Future Melbourne: A look at what could be making tomorrow’s headlines
THIS just in — breaking news from future Melbourne: hipsters are still around, Eddie McGuire is Premier and Rebel Wilson is launching Pitch Perfect 7 at Hoyts Holograms.
Future Victoria
Don't miss out on the headlines from Future Victoria. Followed categories will be added to My News.
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There’s a lot will change in Melbourne over the next few decades as the city adapts to contemporary challenges: we will be stuck in traffic for longer, our train network will transform while our shopping centres modernise.
As our surroundings change, so too does our culture.
Casting a look towards tomorrow, the Herald Sun’s Nui Te Koha has, hot off the holographic press, news from the future.
THIS JUST IN ... FROM FUTURE MELBOURNE
KEEP CALM AND COVFEFE ON: Victorian Premier Eddie McGuire has appealed for calm as the “Covfefe” row escalated yesterday. The controversy, sparked by a rogue banner, has reignited calls to ban offensive language at AFL games. The gibberish slur “Covfefe” was first used by impeached US President Donald Trump in 2017.
BIN THERE, WON’T DO THAT: Collingwood hipsters have refused to relocate a popular dumpster-restaurant-nightclub as work begins on the South-West-North-East tunnel, connecting Southbank to East Brunswick to Ivanhoe to Yan Yean to Wherever. The works are part of a State Government obsession to link totally random suburbs.
NSW GETS FINAL WORD: AFL boss Hamish McLachlan says Melbourne must campaign harder for the Grand Final to return to the MCG. Experts cite the success of last year’s Newcastle Steel vs. Hobart Hawks AFL Grand Final, held at Sydney’s ANZ Stadium, as an incentive for the premier match to remain in the Harbour City.
ALL FOR THEM ‘SELVES’: Australia’s unbeaten selfie team is on track to win gold at the Commonwealth Games in Shepparton. They have hired two-time selfie gold medallist Sir Shane Warne and US duckface legend Kendall Jenner as consultants.
AVO IT YOUR WAY: Join State Treasurer Scott Pape’s Facebook Live session at 12pm today for advice about how to finance your first avo smash. Mr Pape says every young Australian should be able to enjoy the popular millennial snack instead of buying a house. Mr Pape boasted: “I had it with a drizzle of fetta once.”
IT’S ALL HORSE SENSE: Melbourne is one step closer to building a hi-tech biodome near the Swanston St fast food strip to harness rancid horse smells and turn them into clean energy. Lord Mayor Robert Doyle (yeah, he’s still in office) said while the plan may cause a stink, it’s better than the foul stench outside Maccas.
DIAL M FOR MEDIOCRE: National Broadband Network will offer a dial-up service for internet users who want an old school experience, including phone bleeps, screeches and annoyingly long pauses. In a win for customers, upload speeds will still be faster than those on NBN cable.
NAME CHANGE NEAR: Local council is set to green-light a name change for the eternally gridlocked Punt Rd. The new street name will rhyme with “punt” but reflect what angry motorists call that nightmare route in private.
BACK IN BLACK: Reservoir hotspot Voir-Voir-Voom has taken gold medal honours for its Vegemite latte at Baristarama. Judges said the black goo would also work well on toast. A tomato paste macchiato from Thornbury diner, Smug, was runner-up.
BOWNDS FOR GLORY: Rebel Wilson will launch her new film, Pitch Perfect 7, at Hoyts Holograms in North Yarra on Thursday. Wilson is most famous for successfully suing a magazine for defamation. It was hoped she would spend her compensation money on decent jokes.
BUSH RAVE THREAT: Authorities are demanding answers after loud music at a bush doof near Healesville killed dozens of black-chinned honeyeaters, an endangered bird species. Experts said the birds were susceptible to high frequencies and wanky made-up genres like smack-house and ghetto-blend.
A NEW REALITY: Reality show veteran Ash Pollard has signed on to Channel Zero’s Remodel My Jungle House Then Cook Me Dinner And Sing. Pollard shot to fame in primetime favourites My Kitchen Rules, Dancing With The Stars, Celebrity Swimming School, Homemade Hot Wheels and Call That A Cupcake?
MORE FUTURE MELBOURNE
HOW OUR FAMILIES WILL CHANGE IN 2029
SUPPORT FOR ONE ‘MEGACOUNCIL’ FOR MELBOURNE
MELBOURNE TO SYDNEY IN 53 MINUTES
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