From tech problems to rogue colleagues: 59 things you’re bound to hear on a conference call
As the COVID-19 crisis forces Victorians to stay in their homes, something just as virulent and insidious is spreading throughout the crippled workforce: Conference calls.
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It is believed a person infected with coronavirus will infect another three people.
Similarly, holding one remote-access conference call will create enough confusion to require three more conference calls.
Here are 59 things you’re bound to hear while talking with your colleagues over Hangouts or Skype:
1. Is everybody here?
2. Thought I’d just touch base.
3. Let’s shelf that for a moment.
4. Sorry, go ahead.
5. Let’s circle back to that.
6. Let’s take that offline.
7. Has anyone spoken to Sarah?
8. Sorry, that was my dog.
9. Just got to jump on another call.
10. Not off the top of my head.
11. Is that AEST or AEDT?
12. Can you hear me now?
13. Sorry, that was my earrings hitting the microphone.
14. Can someone text Sarah and tell her she has to join the call immediately?
15. Sorry, I think there’s a bit of a delay.
16. I didn’t quite catch that.
17. I can see you. Can you see me?
18. I’m not sure how to turn the microphone off.
19. Who just joined?
20. Let’s go to the next slide.
21. Sorry, I’ve got a problem with my Wi-Fi.
22. Can you just go on mute for a second?
23. Just to make sure we’re all on the same page.
24. Sorry I left that printout in the office.
25. Does everyone have access to the J drive?
26. Any word from Sarah yet?
27. My kids have been mucking around with the settings.
28. Hang on, I think the volume is turned down.
29. I’m not sure we can do anything more until we hear from Sarah.
30. That’s the plan going forward.
31. If the file won’t send here, just send it through Facebook chat.
32. Has everyone logged into the portal?
33. Just a sec, the Uber Eats guy is here.
34. That noise is my washing machine, sorry.
35. Building the bridge.
36. Sarah was meant to be looking after that.
37. Let’s not reinvent the wheel.
38. Can you copy everyone in on that?
39. We just have to be agile about it.
40. How much have you got on your plate?
41. Is that scalable at the moment?
42. How can we include the stakeholders in that?
43. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
44. Yep, these are the latest AirPods. Pretty happy with them.
45. Is there anything else?
46. I’m not sure what we’re doing about that.
47. What’s that thing on the shelf behind you?
48. Absolutely, I’ve been online since 8.30.
49. I think the kids’ e-learning might be slowing the connection.
50. It might be my fault, this is a pretty old laptop.
51. That’s a supply chain issue.
52. Let me just get all my ducks in a row.
53. This is the new normal.
54. I’ll be checking in on that regularly.
55. Just keep me in the loop on that.
56. Did you put that in the shared folder?
57. If Sarah isn’t joining we should postpone.
58. I’ll try and have a one-on-one with everyone throughout the day.
59. How do you turn this off?
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