Flying on the Western Ring Road, pushing in instead of merging: How to drive like a Victorian

ENTERING the Western Ring Road at no less than 205km/h, speeding up a merging lane then pushing in, ignoring hook turns: These are the unwritten rules some Victorian drivers seem to follow on our roads.

IT’S always a little daunting to drive around an unfamiliar place, and Victoria is no exception.

Victoria’s road system has plenty of quirks, and motoring in Melbourne presents some unique challenges in the form of laws flouted, rules ignored and sense abandoned.

Consider yourself warned.

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TRAMS

A tram needs about the length of the main runway at Tullamarine to stop, so naturally Melburnians take a relaxed and carefree approach to motoring around these 50 tonne rattling death rockets.

For many, caution need not apply here. Just chuck a cheeky U-turn in front, or if you need to take a quick right into a side street, just pull right out in front. What could go wrong?

If you see a stationary tram on the street, simply zip by without adjusting your speed.

HOOK TURNS

Like the Melbourne Comedy Festival, hook turns are a passport to big laughs that is unique to Australia’s greatest city.

The first rule of hook turns is to ignore the hook turn rules.

Don’t bother doing what it says.

Pull into the middle of the intersection to perform a right turn and take in the hilarity as tram drivers ding their little bells in frustration, or wipe out the side of the car.

Cringe-laugh like you’re watching an old episode of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos when dad cops one below the belt from a toddler with a whiffle bat as motorists who’ve pulled to the left as the signs suggest then disregard all the oncoming traffic and turn right before the lights change.

Drivers whose cars sport interstate plates may get treated especially harshly in these situations, but don’t worry, interstaters. You’re just adding to Melbourne’s rich comedic tradition.

WESTERN RING ROAD

Forget dusty chaps, cowboy hats and six-shooters. This is the only kind of Wild West around here.

For drivers of (mainly) unroadworthy Commodores and grey import Nissan Skylines, it’s mandatory to enter the Western Ring Road at no less than 205km/h and swing wildly from the entry ramp to the outside lane in less than 75 metres regardless of whatever vehicles are in the way. It’s the job of everyone else on the road to make room for them.

Once there, those motorists must weave in and out of traffic like they’re on their first lap of the Bathurst 1000. Just get out of their way if you want to live.

So much fun on the Western Ring Road. Picture: David Crosling

MERGING

Whenever drivers are forced to merge, it’s a little known fact that some Victorians have a gold pass that allows then to roar up the soon-to-be closed lane like a bat out of hell, whack on their indicator at the last second and push into the lane.

It’s then compulsory for them to flip off anyone that objects.

All you need to obtain a gold pass is a massive sense of entitlement and to be a completely selfish jerk. Vanity plates and a car with a European pedigree, while useful, are not always necessary.

These gold pass holders may also use emergency lanes and service lanes with impunity to beat the traffic, can ignore long lines in turning lanes and cut in right as the last minute, and of course don’t have to let anyone else in when others attempt to merge into their lane.

Because they’re special.

Get out that Gold Pass.

WE’RE RUBBISH AT PLANNING ROADS

Successive Victorian governments have never heard of the phrase “a stitch in time saves nine”.

Building the Burney and Domain tunnels only three lanes wide leaves both with lines of traffic at peak hour, and all our efforts to widen the M1 corridor can only fall flat when the tunnels can’t be widened without years of disruption.

When EastLink opened, we all wondered why the traffic banked up on the Eastern Freeway for kilometres ahead of the bottleneck at Hoddle Street and Alexandra Parade.

And then there’s the Western Ring Road. It has never been truly finished. It’s been a part of the Melbourne road network since the 1990s but not a day has gone by in which one section of another is choked up with protective barriers, hundreds of road workers and tens of thousands of motorists going nowhere.

Here in Victoria, we build roads for today and blithely ignore what we might need tomorrow and, apart from whingers on talk radio, we mostly put up with all this stoically.

LEVEL CROSSINGS

Sure, the Andrews government has made strides in removing level crossings but, unlike most Australian cities, Melbourne is still absolutely lousy with them.

For those motorists who are unfamiliar with our life-risking level crossing etiquette:

1. When you see the red lights start flashing, motorists must tramp their right feet on the accelerator and shoot across the tracks at warp factor five to beat the boom gates and save precious seconds in their journey.

2. In heavy traffic, it’s compulsory to queue across the tracks and go into a blind panic when the boom gates start coming down.

3. If the boom gates seem to have been down for a long time, Victorian drivers must not seek an alternate route but instead assume the gates are defective and drive around them gingerly in the hope they don’t have an up close and personal encounter with the 5.15pm express from the city.

Don’t wait, drive around that boom gate. What’s the worst that could happen?

CYCLISTS

There are those who would say cyclists can do whatever the hell they want in Victoria.

Cyclists are entitled to consequence-free travel on Victorian roads because they’re staying fit, keeping the streets clearer of cars and saving the planet with their no-emission travelling habits.

To counter that, motorists feel free to vent their frustration at cyclists using any form of intimidation or violence they see fit because they pay car registration and somehow feel they provide the roads on which cyclists pedal.

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PEDESTRIANS

In Victoria, pedestrians are required to ignore the little red men displayed at pedestrian crossings and wander across the street like Brown’s cows any time they feel the urge, holding up turning traffic in the process.

Motorists who have the temerity to object to this conduct can expect a sneer, a rude hand gesture, a coarse verbal rebuke or a swift kick to a headlight.

OPERATION OF VEHICLE LIGHTS

It is the duty of every Victorian motorist to ensure the image of their headlight and fog lights is burned into the retinas of oncoming motorists and those a short distance ahead of them.

Therefore, it is an offence in Victoria to dip one’s high beams, especially on country roads, and to operate one’s fog lights solely for the purposes of better forward vision on foggy days.

This ensures that you, and no-one else, has the best possible view of the road ahead.

SPEED ENFORCEMENT

You won’t need to bring a camera if you’re visiting our state. Remember the white-knuckle terror of our road system with snapshots from every step of your journey supplied by Victoria Police. There’s a camera on every corner here in Victoria.

— Jamie Duncan is a Victorian freelance writer and is Australia’s greatest driver. He has never broken a traffic law and his on-road conduct is exemplary at all times. Ask anyone.

@JDwritesalot