Dayne Beams finds his happy place after dark days
A new-found hobby has become Dayne Beams’ saving grace in his battle with mental health issues, and the Collingwood star is keen to share his story to help others facing a similar fight.
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‘Win the morning, win the day.” It’s a motto that Collingwood champion Dayne Beams is now living.
But it has been a long, rocky road to get to where he is today, and he wants to use the experience to help others.
“I have always had a bit of a burning desire to help people,” Beams says. “I’m crystal clear about what I want to do now.”
Beams’ struggles with mental health issues have been well documented.
In 2014, at the age of 24, he left the Pies to return to Brisbane and play for the Lions. He wanted to spend time with his best mate and dad, Philip Beams, who had been diagnosed with bowel cancer. He later described that period as one of the happiest times of his life.
But in 2018, Philip passed away.
“When my dad passed away, I was distraught with that and the grief going on with that. I just didn’t let anyone in,” Beams, 30, says.
“Looking back and now being a lot more in tune with who I am, there were definitely signs (of depression) there before my dad passed away. I never talked to anyone about anything.
“I was such a closed book. Because I had not done any work on myself prior to that, when my dad passed away, things got right out of control, the grief and the pain I was feeling.”
Beams abandoned the captaincy at Brisbane to focus on his mental health and then at the end of 2018 moved back to Melbourne with his young family. But he played just nine games for the Pies after returning before being sidelined with a hip injury.
Then, last June, Beams took himself to a mental health facility for three weeks. He had tried many things and it was the next logical step.
On July 3, he posted on Instagram: “I am a broken man at the moment and this is very, very real for myself and the people that I love at the moment … I plead with anyone out there doing it tough — just tell someone because in doing that you are already taking the first steps towards recovery and living a happier and loving life.”
It came days after Beams called out a hurtful post on social media about his dad. Unbeknown to him at the time, the post had been written by a 13-year-old boy.
“There was a lot of different things going on. That might have had a little part to play, I don’t know. During that time I was obviously struggling a lot as a person. I’m not going to say that one incident set me off. There were multiple things going on in my life and it sort of became too much for me.”
On top of that there was the intense pressure, especially in a footy-mad city like Melbourne.
Beams says he had always carried around a lot of anger and feels like he was a bit of a misunderstood character.
“I’m very introverted. I think I was misread a lot. I wasn’t comfortable with who I was. Looking back, a footy environment, there’s a lot of egos. It’s probably an environment that didn’t suit me as a person.”
And his thoughts sometimes turned dark.
“I have had suicidal thoughts … They’re scary, bloody scary. For anyone out there feeling like that, you have got to talk about it.
“I don’t think I would ever act on it but it was confronting for me to feel that way.”
The three weeks in that mental health facility were life-changing for Beams — a time when he discovered the most unlikely of saviours.
“I went in pretty open minded. I was at a point in life I was willing to try anything.
“I was always one of those guys who was sort of a man’s man. I pigeonholed myself.”
Routine — which often falls by the wayside when battling mental demons — became key.
And he had to abandon the sleep-ins.
“We were getting up at 6 and walking to a lighthouse and watching the sun rise. That was so beneficial for me — starting my days on a good note.”
He was also offered the chance to do art therapy and yoga — two things he had previously turned his nose up at.
“I had been a very closed-minded person for most of my life (but) I was really, really low and I wanted to give everything a chance. The hardest thing to do when you are struggling and when you are feeling depressed is to try things. You are not going to feel like it at the time but I guarantee you will feel better after it.”
Beams had never been interested in art before. In fact, little more than a year ago he would have laughed at anyone who suggested he had any sort of artistic future. But that three weeks stirred something in him.
“I’m living proof of the fact you never know what you can do unless you try. I wish I had have done this earlier — in many ways it has saved my life because I just didn’t have anything outside of football. To have this as my passion is awesome.
“As a kid, all I did was play footy. For me now, I’m learning a whole new range of skills.”
Back home with wife Kelly and children Ruby, almost 4, and Carter, almost 2, Beams continued doing artwork, researching techniques and becoming “a bit like a mad scientist”.
Colour, to Beams, has become what sunlight is to many others who live with depression — a mood elevator: “There’s just something about it that keeps my mind happy.”
“To me it’s like I’m not feeling anything,” Beams says of his time in front of a canvas. “I’m just caught in what I’m doing. That’s the thing I find most beneficial — the fact that I’m not thinking about anything else other than what I’m doing.”
In December, he revealed he would take an indefinite break from Collingwood to focus on his mental health. At the same time, Beams’ artistic side was gaining a life of its own.
As well as sharing honest accounts of his mental health struggles with his social media following, he started posting photos of his work online, hoping it would inspire others. And it has.
“When I’m dead and buried, I want to be known as the person who was not afraid to show my feelings and emotions. I get messages every day on Instagram from people telling me just how much I have helped them. That is more rewarding than anything I did on the football field.
“To help someone in their life, I can’t think of anything more rewarding.
“Many people are shocked I respond to them.”
But something else happened too. People started contacting Beams wanting to buy his vibrant pieces of art.
Four months ago, he moved into a factory in Melbourne’s eastern suburbs, converting it into an art studio. It’s become a safe haven — a space where he can get away and be in the moment, doing what he loves.
He had never had an after-footy plan. Until now.
The man renowned for lighting up the footy field now looks equally at home among the tiny bottles of paint, containers of chemicals and tins of spray.
“It’s pretty crazy when I think about it.
For me, so much has happened in the last 12 months. The best thing about it is it’s evolved organically — things have just happened.”
Beams’ artworks have names like soul searching, healing and calming. Through his business Health of Mind Art, he donates a percentage of all sales to Love Me Love You, a not-for-profit organisation started by former Hawthorn footballer Lance Picioane that aims
to promote awareness of mental health issues.
Beams has also started running individual and group art classes, though coronavirus disrupted them for a while. He starts the sessions giving a snapshot of his life and then opens
the floor. He finds his openness gives others permission to talk about their own struggles.
“The thing that you always look for when you are struggling is other people who have been through it. When you are struggling it’s very, very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. For the rest of my life, I want to be able to help people.”
So much so that Beams has started a diploma of counselling. It’s on hold at the moment, but once he has finished it, he will consider a psychology degree. He wants to run group therapy sessions from his studio.
Men do not talk enough, he says, contributing to the nation’s “staggering” male suicide rates.
But Beams is the first to admit that he still has tough times. It has been especially challenging seeing so many people doing it tough during the coronavirus pandemic.
In February, Beams was also involved in a car accident. He remembers waking after being out cold to a woman asking if he was all right. He says he was fine, but spent the night in hospital as a precaution.
“At the time I was not feeling great, but literally that was just one of those accidents.
“There’s been a lot of speculation about my whole life, to be honest. There’s always been rumours, they’re the things that hurt as well because a lot of stuff that has been said about me is not true. I don’t ever get the opportunity to say the truth. People always spin it the way they want to spin it. I look at it now as more of a reflection on those people.
“I have heard things about bikies coming to football training — it’s just garbage. It’s never happened. I know the truth, people around me know the truth. I can’t stop the speculation, it’s the life I have chosen, really. It’s the life of an AFL footballer.”
Beams still goes to therapy. But now, instead of two or three times a week, it’s every couple
of weeks.
“I’m just comfortable with who I am now. I have done a lot of work and a lot of self-reflection. Being able to talk more openly — it didn’t come overnight. I thought medication, antidepressants, was going to fix me. You have to do the work yourself.”
He says he still takes antidepressants but he also puts the work in.
“The more players that can talk about it openly and honestly, the better.
“Kids seeing their heroes being able to talk about this thing. Parents should be role-modelling that sort of behaviour as well. Some people think that they have got to be strong for their kids — what’s wrong with crying in front of your kids?
“Footballers are in a really privileged position to be able to model behaviour that kids can look up to. It should never be taken for granted.”
So, can we expect to see the star midfielder back on the footy field?
“I’m not sure, to be honest. I don’t know.
“I was taking extended time away from footy and that break really was to decide what I wanted to do moving forward. I don’t want to be putting pressure on myself about football because I’ve got years and years of my life to live. Football is only a very small part of your life.
“So, for me, I have actually been loving the fact that I’ve been getting out of bed feeling good about life and looking forward to what’s happening in the day and the weeks and feeling emotions that I haven’t really felt for two years. The love I have for my kids is just unbelievable … I (had) been emotionless for the last couple of years. So for me, I’m just enjoying that.
“The other stuff will take care of itself. The right decisions will be made on what’s best for me and my family and what’s best for the club.”
But Beams says he still has a great relationship with Collingwood, the team that picked him up in the 2008 draft and where he took home apremiership.
“I played the best footy of my career there. They are a powerhouse club. There was no other club I wanted to come back to.”
On the home front, Beams says he is living life very simply — he gets up with the kids now, has breakfast and then heads into the studio, getting home again by 5pm to help with bath and dinnertime. Naturally, he says his battle has taken a toll on Kelly.
“There were some real hairy points there for us … My wife has been through a lot.
“Her energy was focused on ‘how are we going to help Dayne?’ … There’s still a lot of work to do with our relationship. I’m completely honest to her now and I try to talk
to her as much as I can about how I’m feeling.”
While his bad thoughts are becoming fewer and further between, Beams knows his battle is not over.
“It will be ongoing for the rest of my life. If I keep doing the things I’m doing, it keeps me stable. It keeps me in a happy place. I’m genuinely the happiest I have been for the last five years. I’m content with life. I can’t tell you how good that feels.”
See Dayne Beams’ art at healthofmindart.com . All proceeds from the beanies sold through the site go to Love Me Love You.
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