20 unofficial rules for Charltons, Melbourne’s favourite seedy karaoke bar

THE first rule of Charltons is you don’t talk about Charltons. That’s because you can’t remember most of it, and the rest you never want to talk about. See our 20 unofficial Charltons rules

Charltons’ sticky karaoke secrets

THE first rule of Charltons is you don’t talk about Charltons.

That’s probably because you can’t remember most of it. And the stuff you can remember you never, ever want to talk about as long as you live.

It’s widely reputed as the only place in the CBD that’s open when everything else is shut, except the Supper Club.

But see how far you get singing Dirty Deeds to a crowd of drunks at the Supper Club.

Charltons is a unique melting pot of businessmen, students, vocal aspirants and snooker hacks who share a common love of drinking and singing from 3am onwards.

But if you want your night to be a success (for want of a better word), you’d better follow these 20 unofficial Charltons truths:

1. You can only find Charltons when you’re intoxicated

2. The worst song of the night will undoubtedly be some guy’s version of Bohemian Rhapsody

3. The gin and tonic tastes like cough syrup

4. The karaoke doesn't sound any better from the pool tables

5. There is only one pen in the joint for writing down song selections

6. You’ll wait two hours for your song choice then they’ll call last song and it wont be yours

7. What happens at Charltons stays at Charltons, especially that woeful Roxette duet you did with that guy from advertising who you sometimes see in the lift

8. Time will operate on a different plane so that 15 minutes inside becomes three hours in the real world

What’s your deepest Charltons secret? Tell us in the comments below

9. Complaints that they haven’t called your request of Don’t Stop Believin’ from two hours earlier will fall on deaf ears

10. The wearing of a low-cut top and tight jeans will immediately catapult your song choice to top of the list

11. when the lights go on you must go directly home

12. The bouncer is not up for a laugh

13. You will probably fall down the stairs to the toilets, even when sober

14. Surely THIS time the old lift will get stuck and you’ll be trapped with these 18-year-old punks

15. When exiting via the stairwell, your hands must stay in pockets and certainly nowhere near the hand rails

16. If you change the words to the song you will not get called up again

17. Sweet Caroline must be punctuated with ‘barm, barm, barm’ or go home

18. The dim dance floor holds many shameful secrets

19. The dim dance floor holds just about anything it touches

20. Upon leaving, it will look like you’ve been to the Club X at the end of the alleyway