13 gifts parents don’t want you to give their kids this year

They’re messy, annoying or just plain hard work (for parents) — these are the gifts you should absolutely, definitely not buy someone else’s kids this Christmas.

Slime, the No.1 enemy of parents everywhere.

Every parent dreads that moment your child opens a gift you know will give you a metaphorical or literal headache.

Whether it’s because they’re noisy, messy, environment-destroying, or just plain hard work (for parents), these are the gifts you should absolutely, definitely not buy someone else’s kids this Christmas.

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SLIME

This is top of our list, no contest. It’s a sticky mess that ends up in all kinds of places it does not belong – carpets, ceilings, hair, dogs’ tummies, etc. Unfortunately kids love it, so it’s likely to be top of their lists too. For the sake of our homes, relationships, vet bills and sanities, please resist.

Kinetic sand - not all it’s cracked up to be.

KINETIC SAND

In the same vein as slime. It’s marketed as sand that sticks together, but it definitely does not. Leave sand on the beach, where it belongs.

PLASTIC NOT-SO FANTASTIC

We’re especially looking at you, LOL Surprise dolls. Each doll is wrapped in approximately 5070 layers of plastic, which seems quite a lot for a very tiny toy.

I really don't know what a "LOL surprise doll" is supposed to be, but one was given to my daughter today and there was so much individual plastic packaging, I feel like I need to go purchase a carbon offset credit. Wtf. pic.twitter.com/LsxPRVuLwE

— Shannon/S.A. Chakraborty (@SAChakrabooks) October 28, 2018

Plus, kids don’t know which one they’ve got until they open it, so the risk of doubling up on one they already have - and a subsequent meltdown - is high. And don’t even get us started on all those accessories, and the confetti. Which brings us to ...

Home is no place for chalk.

ARTS AND CRAFT KITS THAT REQUIRE ADULT SUPERVISION

Or confetti, glitter, glue, ink, paint or window chalk. There’s a reason kids go to childcare/kinder/school art class/grandma’s house.

Pretty as a picture, but beads are a no-go zone.

BEADS

Do you know what happened 0.37 milliseconds after the above photo was taken? All these beads fell or were thrown on the floor, a toddler shoved a handful in her mouth, the cat shovelled a pawful in its mouth, someone slipped on them and sprained their wrist, and the beads are still being found under the couch 11 months later.

ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A TOOLKIT TO ASSEMBLE

If you need an engineering degree, a handyman, an allen key or a group of your burliest rellies to put it together, leave it on the shelf.

Noisy and battery-operated toys make annoying Christmas presents. Picture: Andrew Seaman, Unsplash

TOYS THAT REQUIRE BATTERIES

Especially when they don’t come with the batteries they need. Times that by 100 when the required batteries are anything other than AA or AAA.

Save musical instruments for when they can actually play them.

AURALLY OFFENSIVE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

This includes, but is in no way limited to, recorders, drums and karaoke machines. We’ll lump whistles and megaphones into this bucket too. Basically, any toy that has no noise control.

SQUISHIES

Even if your giftee is of an age that they’re unlikely to chew their squishy and potentially ingest dubious chemicals, giving them this year’s answer to 2017’s fidget spinner craze puts them in immediate danger of developing an unhealthy collection obsession. Plus all that foamy plasticky stuff is an environmental nightmare.

Dreaded water balloons.

WATER-BASED ACTIVITIES

Water balloons, slip ‘n’ slides, water guns – another category to file under: “Guess who’s going to end up mopping up all that water/injured kids?”

A whoopee cushion was funny when we were kids, but that was a long time ago.

ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES TOILET HUMOUR

Includes whoopee cushions, fart machines, and any toy animals or babies that expel pretend wee or other bodily emissions. Also, anything designed to provide entertainment to kids while they’re actually on the loo, such as a potty piano. It's hard enough to convince a child to a) go to the toilet and b) get off the toilet, without giving them an excuse to drag out the process even more by stomping on a musical mat while doing their business.

ANYTHING TO DO WITH BABY SHARK

“Baby Shark doo doo doo doo doo doo” ... don’t. Just because you can now buy toys that sing this annoying viral earworm, doesn’t mean you should. Parents suffer enough already.

JOKE BOOKS

There’s a time and place for lame festive funnies - and that’s the five minutes it takes everyone around the dinner table to read their tacky Christmas cracker joke. “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker!” is only mildly humorous once a year at most.

SO WHAT CAN YOU BUY?

Never fear, there are still squillions of things you can buy the kids in your life without tormenting their parents.

Books are always a good bet, clothes, or experiences are a winner. Movies, musicals, live shows, a trip to the zoo etc. For something more meaningful, you could even sponsor a child or buy a life-changing gift from charities like World Vision.

Whatever you do, our No.1 tip is to check with the parents first. They will thank you.

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