11 things no millennial wedding should be without

THE spring wedding season is upon us and thousands of bridesmaids across Victoria are just about ready to murder their brides. Here are 11 things no millennial wedding should be without.

It’s important that you save money, and remain edgy.

THE spring wedding season is fast approaching and thousands of bridesmaids across the state are just about ready to murder their brides.

Millennials are getting married and from hay bales to hashtags, here are 11 things no modern wedding should be without.

INSIDE MELBOURNE SECRET SOCIETIES

12 COMMUTERS TO AVOID

WHY MELBOURNE BEATS VIENNA

HAY BALES

Especially at a rural or outdoor wedding, hay bales are an absolute must.

If you can have a chalkboard sign resting on a hay bale, that’s extra good.

Not only are they rustic and quaint, but as a mega cheap alternative to hiring proper chairs, your wallet with thank you for it, even if your guests won’t.

Nine out of ten chiropractors agree that using hay bales instead of chairs is a lot cheaper.

OVER-THE-TOP BRIDESMAID PROPOSALS

However the groom proposed, times it by ten and that’s how exciting it should be when someone is asked to be a bridesmaid.

And once they accept, they are signing over their whole lives to be told what to do and when, through vicious and expensive shoe and dress shopping to pretty much picking up the bride’s groceries for the length of the engagement.

A PHOTO BOOTH

The photographer will do a great job at capturing guests as they are.

But that’s not enough.

It’s won’t be fun unless people are photographed holding props.

Guests should also be obliged to put a hat on to prove they’re having a good time.

Go on. Prove it. Put the hat on. Hold a little sign.

The photo booth owner has to get the machine back by 9pm so he can get it to an 18th or high school graduation.

FINGER FOOD

Understandably the bride and groom have spent a lot of money making sure this wedding looks as good on the internet as possible.

Naturally the fat will have to be cut on the food and naturally guests won’t mind making that sacrifice.

So it’s standing up and eating little quiches.

If elderly guests struggle to find somewhere to rest, they can be told this isn’t really a sit-down thing.

This is all you will be eating.

WHY WEDDING VENUES ARE SO PRICEY

TEN EVENTS BEFORE THE ACTUAL WEDDING

In your lifetime you only get married like three times max, so why not make the most of it.

It’s not enough to just have a ceremony and reception. You’ve really got to pile it on.

I’m talking engagement party, bridal shower, buck’s party, hen’s night, kitchen tea, ceremonial dress fitting with enforced tears, and pre-wedding dinner.

Guests can bring a present to each if they like. Thanks.

If you have any friends left after that, they’ll also try and make it to the actual wedding.

TIERS

It’s a big problem: You have about 500 too many close friends and not all of them can be beckoned to the inner sanctum with a wedding invitation.

So it’s only sensible you invite only your closest friends and family.

All the other plebs can be invited just to the ceremony or post-ceremony drinks.

Gifts on the table, please.

And if you’ve still got too many friends who you can’t possibly squeeze into any of the guest lists, that’s what engagement parties are for.

STUBBLE

It’s only right and decent that the bride try on two dozen dresses and have seven dry runs of hair and makeup before the big day.

As for the groom, a shower and a shave an hour before the ceremony will suffice.

Actually just a shower is fine, stubble is edgy.

And forget about wearing a tie, it’s not like this is a formal occasion.

Prince Harry has set the ultimate precedent for millennial grooms to never feel obliged to shave, especially on their wedding day.

THE VAIN HASHTAG

“We ask that any photos you wish to share of our special day on social media be accompanied by this #VainHashtag.”

That way anyone who wasn’t invited, like all those poor schmucks at the engagement party, can see what they’re missing out on.

And all the couple’s friends abroad can feverishly refresh their feeds every three seconds to stay up to date.

In truth, nobody is searching for the vain hashtag.

THE PHOTO DUMP

Facebook’s servers can hold billions and billions of photos. That storage space will be pushed to its very limit when the happy couple unleash a flood worthy of Genesis. In an age when wedding photographers have long abandoned rolls of film and can keep shooting until they bleed from their nail beds, you are going to be tagged in all 537 images featuring your likeness.

Don’t forget to have your wedding in the middle of nowhere. It will enhance your marriage and people who don’t make the trip will expose themselves as false friends.

GENERIC THANK-YOU CARDS

Not even Einstein could possibly remember who fronted up at his own wedding and who gave him which present.

It’s perfectly reasonable to send generic thank-you cards that don’t mention anyone by name and keep it all about the bride and groom.

By this stage everyone should understand the couple are exhausted and need a break from all the hard work.

POST-WEDDING BLUES

The party’s over, everyone’s gone home and the attention well has dried up.

That videographer really sucked the funds out of the honeymoon and, waiting on the tarmac for their delayed budget flight to depart for Hobart, the newlyweds realise the curtains have closed and they must now begin a lifetime of conversation for which they are ill prepared.

@MitchellToy

www.mitchelltoy.com