The 12 life lessons you really learn at school: Mel Buttle

For many of us, high school was a very long time ago but despite the passage of time these are the important lessons we actually learned, writes Mel Buttle.

High school was a long time ago – the Spice Girls were topping the charts, Blue Heelers was my favourite show and I had a massive crush on Jesse Spencer from Neighbours.

Despite the rich cultural backdrop, I was still able to retain some core pieces of knowledge from school, so here they are:

I remember the full choreography to the following dances: Agadoo, the Nutbush and the Heel and Toe Polka. They’ve not yet come in handy, but I remain optimistic.

Nutbush city limits.

Objects in motion stay in motion, objects at rest stay at rest. This was from a video to see if we should enrol in physics in Years 11 and 12. Seeing as that’s all I remember from physics, I’d say I made the right call to end up in all the humanities subjects instead.

The periodic table of elements does not include earth, wind and fire – that’s a band that mum plays on a Sunday afternoon while doing the ironing.

A simile is saying something is like something else, however, a metaphor is saying something is something else. “Poetry is like the most boring thing ever”, however, is not a simile. “Poetry is boring” isn’t a metaphor either.

This is a monotreme.

A monotreme is a mammal that lays eggs. Echidnas and platypuses are monotremes. This sometimes comes in handy at trivia nights, lock it away.

The teacher will ask your group to go first in drama if you all look either at the teacher or at the floor, so a mix of both is encouraged to buy your group time.

When a teacher says to you, “look at this handwriting, I can barely read this”, it just means you’re really creative, and not headed for a future as a paper shuffler or a bean counter. Take it as the compliment it’s intended to be. Ever seen an artist neatly print their name on a piece of art? Nope, it’s always a nondescript squiggle.

A sausage roll a day? Yes please.

You can eat a cream bun and a sausage roll for lunch five days a week and never put on any weight. Also, these two items will give you quite some change out of a $5 note. Enough for a bag of lollies on the way home.

Any sandwich featuring tomato will be a soggy mess by lunchtime. No ifs or buts about it, if your sandwich has tomato on it you’re going to sog town. Pulling it off does little, the damage has been done.

You will be starving when you get home from school. The wait time from getting home to when dinner is ready is about 9.6 hours most afternoons.

Whatever subject is first or last in the day may be subject to a slightly lighter attendance due to late buses, early buses, orthodontist appointments, car breakdowns, or whatever else the school will buy without a note from home.

The centre is always lava.

The centre of any tuckshop pie, sausage roll or lasagne will be lava. Those things have been in the pie warmer on high since 7am. Do not bite directly into them if you value the roof of your mouth. Give those hot savouries at least 10 minutes to cool down to an edible temperature.

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Originally published as The 12 life lessons you really learn at school: Mel Buttle