What you should and shouldn’t do amid the coronavirus panic
Should you avoid all public events, or just ones where the Gold Coast Suns are playing? Is it ever OK to reject a kiss from your spouse? In these confusing times here are some (not so serious) coronavirus dos and don’ts.
Opinion
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While Australians keep calm and cash and carry, an informal code of etiquette around the international coronavirus outbreak is emerging.
From knowing when not to reject kisses from your spouse to which football matches to avoid, here are the dos and don’ts of the virus pandemic.
DO NOT expect a face mask to prevent you from contracting the virus.
DO expect a face mask to free up a lot of space around you on the tram.
DO sneeze into your elbow to minimise the spread of germ particles.
DO NOT sneeze into anybody else’s elbow.
DO NOT avoid going to the football if matches are scheduled to go ahead.
DO avoid going to the football if you barrack for the Gold Coast.
DO rub elbows, wave or salute instead of shaking hands.
DO NOT attempt the Roman salute, which can be very easily misinterpreted.
DO explain to children that the chances of dying of coronavirus are very low.
DO NOT emphasise the fact that the common flu has been slaying thousands of people around the clock this whole time.
DO limit yourself to one packet of toilet paper if your local supermarket requests you to do so.
DO NOT reserve toilet paper by using old street directories, phone books or copies of Malcolm Turnbull’s memoirs as a substitute.
DO keep a large stock of prescription and non-prescription medicine.
DO NOT keep a commercial quantity of cannabis and try to convince authorities it’s medicinal.
DO expect postal deliveries from China to take longer than usual.
DO NOT expect postal deliveries within Australia to be any more efficient than usual.
DO NOT touch your face before washing your hands thoroughly.
DO wash your hands thoroughly after touching somebody else’s face.
DO avoid kisses and skin-to-skin contact with people you deal with in day to day life.
DO NOT use this excuse if you are married to them.
DO prepare two weeks worth of supplies in case you are required to self isolate.
DO NOT self isolate unnecessarily so you can spend two weeks watching Netflix.
DO use alcohol-based products to manage the virus on your hands and on surfaces.
DO NOT ingest alcohol-based products to manage your anxiety about the virus.
DO continue with travel plans to areas not badly affected by the virus outbreak.
DO NOT continue with travel plans to areas not badly affected by the virus outbreak if you yourself have the virus.
DO consider buying three-ply premium toilet paper if nothing else is available.
DO NOT consider separating the one ply from another to make the toilet paper last longer.
DO expect to protect yourself against the virus by keeping physical distance and regularly washing your hands with warm water and soap.
DO NOT expect to protect yourself against the virus by using a MacBook.
DO watch movies instead of the news if your children are worried about the virus.
DO NOT let them watch Contagion.
DO continue to eat at your Italian restaurant if you are concerned about the virus.
DO NOT continue to eat at your local Italian restaurant if you are trying to lose weight.
DO check in on friends and family if they are undertaking self isolation.
DO NOT visit under the pretence of care in order to steal toilet paper.
DO use your knuckles when pressing the lift button at work.
DO NOT use your knuckles when dealing with your work colleagues.
DO take advantage of deals on flights and cruises to get a cheap holiday.
DO NOT take advantage of government policy to get a free holiday to a Christmas Island or the Northern Territory.
Mitchell Toy is a Melbourne writer and artist.
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