Susie O’Brien: Little to love in a bunch of dates

THINGS certainly have changed out there in the land of lovers — dating today seems to be devoid of romance, but perhaps that was always the case, writes Susie O’Brien.

THE last time a complete stranger suddenly gave me flowers, it wasn’t Impulse (remember that ad for the 1980s body spray?), it was a mistake. He had me confused with someone else. I remember being on the dating scene as a uni student when guys used lines like: “Have you ever tripped over a tree trunk?”

“No.”

“Well, how about a root then?”

It was refreshing but rarely successful.

Things certainly have changed out there in the land of lovers. Compare this to one modern masterclass for wannabe male love gods.

MELBOURNE SINGLES TELL THEIR ROMANCE HORROR STORIES

DATING APPS HELP COUPLES FIND LOVE AT FIRST SWIPE

I WENT ONLINE FOR LOVE, INSTEAD I MET A SCAMMER

Conference organisers promise attendees will learn about the “mystery of the female mind” and see “the enigma of romance dispelled and laid bare”.

“Women crave to be ravished, they just need you to push the right buttons,” they’re told.

I’ll bet many find the buttons are all that will be either laid or bare after they practise on real women.

I’ve been thinking about the trials and tribulations of dating this week after hearing of the plight of one woman whose date did a runner and left her with a $100 bill at a Bondi burger bar. The pair ate and drank up a storm and then the guy pretended to go to an ATM to get money to pay the bill. He didn’t come back, leaving the poor girl stranded. He even blocked her phone number. The cafe owner — perhaps sniffing a great promotional opportunity — gave the girl a few shots of tequila and a $150 voucher. He even waived the bill.

Friends tell me they’ve even had completely different people turn up on dates ‘just for a laugh’.

In homage, a few friends shared their worst dating experiences with me. A pal of mine was drinking with an online hook-up, surrounded by tattooed masses in a pub on Australia Day.

She happened to remark that she didn’t have any tattoos, so he whipped out a black texta and drew a penis on her leg like it was coming out of her skirt. It turned out to be semi-permanent and didn’t come off.

Classy.

One friend was told by a guy she went on a date with that he was on a “break” with his girlfriend but then asked if he could take a photo of her to send this girl. Another had a guy she met on Tinder (surprise, surprise) woo her into bed then booted her out of bed because it was time for his next date to arrive. Something similar happened to me once long ago when I rejected a friend who had been flirting with me for some time. As it was before the online dating era, he asked me to drop him back at the pub so he could “get lucky”.

“It’s nearly closing time and the girls aren’t as choosy,” he told me.

Anyone who’s spent time on Tinder will tell you about meeting guys who spend all night talking about other conquests or girls who take ages in the loo because they’re ringing their mums for an update.

Now it’s all about online dating and deciding whether someone is worthy on the basis of a Tinder profile that says they’re a “beer pong expert” “booty wizard” or “foot fetish dominatrix”.

“Why should you date me?” one Tinder profile reads. “Because you’d be the good looking one.”

Others seem confused. “I am not looking for love,” another profile says. “I just need someone to take to the family events so my grandma stops thinking I’m gay.”

Anyone who’s spent time on Tinder will tell you about meeting guys who spend all night talking about other conquests or girls who take ages in the loo because they’re ringing their mums for an update. “It is also common for Tinder guys to let the girl go to the bar for a second round and they do a runner while she is ordering and then text saying sorry they weren’t a match,” says another friend.

Friends tell me they’ve even had completely different people turn up on dates “just for a laugh”. Yeah right.

Another female pal turned up for a second date to be presented with her body weight in barbecued meat and was then called into the bedroom to perform before eating anything. Needless to say, she made a run for it.

Former Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie let it slip that she and former SA politician Nick Xenophon went on a date to a fast food restaurant. Picture: Channel 7

Even the famous and powerful aren’t immune from bad dates. Former Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie let it slip that she and former SA politician Nick Xenophon went on a date to a fast food restaurant.

“He took me on a cheap date — cheapskate,” she said recently.

Lambie said she may have changed her mind about him if he had chosen a better restaurant.

“He may have got to first base, who knows,” she quipped.

Xenophon has since said the pair are just mates and haven’t ever gone on a date.

However, he did “lash out” and buy her 12 chicken nuggets at KFC because it was “the only place that was open”.

He is an infamous cheapskate (in a good way) with a very messy car.

I just hope Xenophon has upgraded his trademark 2006 Toyota Yaris which doesn’t have any hubcaps.

At least if he took Lambie for a date in that car he wouldn’t have to buy her dinner; they could feed off the food scraps in the back seat.

It just goes to show dating is never easy — especially when you do it on Impulse (or Tinder).

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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