Susie O’Brien: Fashion sense is out of step with style

INFLUENCERS want you to believe all sorts of rubbish is in fashion but don’t look on Instagram, look in the mirror, writes Susie O’Brien.

Anyone old enough to remember the last time lycra horrors were in vogue, teen popster Collette was asking us to ring her bell.

NO. JUST no. Harper’s Bazaar may tell us “it’s time to start taking the bike shorts trend seriously”. Please don’t listen. I can’t believe this is true, but the latest thing to break the internet is not a naked Kardashian, but a $89 pair of black bike shorts from Vogue.

Before you decide this is the look for you, remember that bike shorts don’t even look good on cyclists, let alone anyone over the age of 12.

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Don’t listen to Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar and definitely don’t listen to one fashion influencer who’s calling them fashion-forward and “encouraging experimentation”. I call them hideous and unflattering and encouraging a fashion faux-pas. Experiment by binning them.

Actor Kristen Stewart may wear Chanel bike shorts with a dashing black and white pattern, but it doesn’t mean the rest of us should follow suit.

Anyone old enough to remember the last time these lycra horrors were in vogue (as opposed to being in fashion), teen popster Collette was asking us to ring her bell. Back then, Collette paired the neon nasties with a pair of braces, a crop top and hot pink and yellow gloves (one of each). Now the “bike pant” is being paired with thigh-high boots and corsets and worn by everyone from Kendall Jenner to Kim Kardashian to Gigi Hadid.

The ‘bike pant’ is being paired with thigh-high boots and corsets and worn by everyone from Kendall Jenner to Kim Kardashian to Gigi Hadid. Picture: Getty Images

I secretly think fashion influencers like the Kardashian Klan and their gal pals are having us on by inflicting these silly looks on us. Kylie Jenner might look great with blonde hair and black roots, but the rest of us look as if we’ve got a Holden Torana stripe in the middle of our skull after missing a vital hair appointment.

Kim Kardashian may look like a goddess wearing a see-through netting glitter body suit but the rest of us would look as if someone started pouring and forgot to say “when”.

I want to know: who decided over winter that our scarfs should look like a double-bed Onkaparinga throws draped around our necks?

Hey, Nanna called, she wants her blankie back. Or false eyelashes so large they change weather patterns when you blink? Or Gucci’s mink-lined loafers, which look as if you’ve stepped on a cat?

Singer Solange Knowles may attract headlines wearing little more than a swimsuit, bum bug and leather chaps, but this doesn’t mean you should adopt the same look for parent teacher interviews Picture: Getty Images

Also popular among rock stars and models is the T-shirt and boot look. This tragic trend sees a long tee paired with over-the-knee boots. It doesn’t look like high fashion. It just looks like you forgot your pants.

It’s not so much a case of one size fits all, but every size looks crap.

Singer Solange Knowles may attract headlines wearing little more than a swimsuit, bum bug and leather chaps, but this doesn’t mean you should adopt the same look for parent teacher interviews. Or the office Christmas party. Or your first Tinder date. Or any event that involves you venturing past the mailbox.

Sadly, the bike pant is not the only fashion abomination out there.

I am also trying to cope with the return of the so-called “dad sneaker”. Once deemed too ugly to be sold anywhere but discount stores, sneakers with chunky moulded soles are now high fashion.

Now considered “edgy kicks”, they are being spotted on style icons such as Kylie Jenner, who’s an Adidas ambassador. Funnily enough, when they’re worn by soccer dads, they’re daggy, but when Jenner’s promoting them, they fly off the shelves.

Bella Hadid in Balenciaga Triple S sneakers. Picture: Getty Images

Jenner may be hotter than hot, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Adidas Falcon looks like something Jerry Seinfeld wore with jeans in the 1990s. It wasn’t chic then and it isn’t chic now. Stylerunner founder Julie Stevanja may say “there’s no such thing as too chunky right now”, but don’t believe her.

It leaves me wondering what’s next. The scrunchie? Stone-wash double denim? Metallic evening gowns with Dynasty shoulder pads?

Please, no.

Let’s stop listening to the fashion influencers. Just because J Lo wears sheer pants to the shops doesn’t mean we all have to.

Trust me, we don’t need over-the-knee denim boots with peek-a-boo toes and ripped knees. We can safely give platform crocs a miss, especially given that they’re $850 a pair.

Similarly, we don’t need a facekini, male adult rompers, Chanel bum bags, $700 rodeo boots or cropped high-rise flared jeans that would make a pre-teen anorexic supermodel look plus-sized.

I’m not saying I’ve got all the answers. As I’ve said before, I spent the 1980s wearing roman sandals with white socks and burgundy velvet knickerbockers.

But I do know it’s time to stop looking at Instagram and start looking in the mirror.

Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist

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