Bike shorts confirm it: fashion has jumped the shark
BEJEWELLED Crocs were one thing, but the newest “must have” trend is another altogether. Even if it does get Kim Kardashian West’s stamp of approval, it’s not OK, writes Bianca O’Neill.
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IT’S been an interesting year for fashion.
The past twelve months have been a rollercoaster of crazy fashion moments and even crazier trend flashbacks. The kind of flashbacks that give you nightmares of the Luke-Perry-trying-to-act kind.
First, someone tried to convince us that Crocs were back “in” when Balenciaga released a truly horrid bejewelled pair for $850. Then, the same French fashion house tried to sell us an Ikea bag for $2,000. Five minutes later, Topshop tried to emperor’s-new-clothes us with their completely clear, plastic jeans, which gives new meaning to that dream where you wake up naked at the front of the class...
Bloggers have been rocking Seinfeld-style dad sneakers unironically for months, and last week Australian designer Dion Lee sent Havaianas down the runway at NYFW, igniting some pretty disturbing ’00s Paris Hilton flashbacks for me personally. And don’t even get me started on denim. We’ve seen G string jeans, upside down jeans, and jeans with an entire 180 degree crotch zipper.
As if that fashion clickbait wasn’t enough, now we’re learning that there’s a waitlist for a pair of $89 bikeshorts with “Vogue” printed down the side, a la the magazine. Yes, you heard correctly. $89. A waitlist. For BIKE SHORTS.
This is all Kim Kardashian’s fault, I can feel it in my waters.
If someone thinks they’re going to squeeze my increasingly questionable (in the fashion world, at least) 35-year-old body into a pair of lycra bike shorts, they’re sorely mistaken. Especially when they accompany the trend with “inspirational” images of walking giraffes like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid.
My favourite thing about this new “trend” is the insistence from fashion magazines that it is wearable. Pair your new hip-hugging lycra with an “office acceptable top like a blazer or crisp shirt”, Harpers Bazaar tells us, excitedly. Bike shorts? At work? Great, I simply can’t wait for my eye to be autonomously drawn to my workmate’s camel toe during the next group presentation.
Meanwhile, British Vogue delivers me fake news in the form of the announcement that bike shorts represent an “easy styling win that just happens to also be extremely comfortable.”
Easy? The only thing that’s going to be easy about trying to integrate bike shorts into your wardrobe in any legitimate way without looking like you just broke off from your local MAMIL peloton is if you’re Hailey Baldwin — and even she looks questionable in these crotch-hugging hell-shorts.
I don’t understand what is happening in fashion at the moment. I feel like Principal Skinner, yelling into an online void about whether I am finally classified as “old”. Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the kids who are wrong…
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