‘Embarrassing’: Victorian’s sad letter in response to Melbourne’s ranking as fourth most liveable city

Taxes, a soviet-style airport and endless road works, Patrick Carlyon questions how Melbourne can rank as the fourth most liveable city.

Dear the Economist Intelligence Unit,

I am writing to request an urgent review of Melbourne’s recent fourth place in the most liveable cities in the world ratings, given Melburnians are increasingly convinced that their city does not even sneak into the four most liveable cities in Australia.

You see, it’s kind of embarrassing, for us and for you, that Melbourne rates more highly than Sydney, where they start AND finish road projects, or Hobart, which has fine eateries AND customers.

Adelaide has churches. Perth has beaches. Brisbane has river walks.

And Melbourne? It has taxes.

Did you visit the city before awarding its high status? Arrive at the Soviet-style airport, and note an absence of chairs of any kind throughout much of the tin shed?

Did you queue for the bus to go to the city, after searching in vain for a train station, for the trip which can take as long as the flight?

Or did you get an Uber or cab, and brace for the dead ends of road spaghetti which locals refer to as a “network”, but only when they’re joking.

How can Melbourne rate more highly than Sydney, where they start and finish road projects, writes Patrick Carlyon. Picture: NewsWire / Luis Enrique Ascui

Victoria slashed 95 per cent of its regional road repair budget last year, which means lots of potholes, old and new, many big enough to swallow beachballs whole. Locals compare hilarious stories about car damage and foiled claims for state compensation.

On the way to town, did you pass the big Ferris wheel which hasn’t carried a customer since the pandemic? Or analyse its storied history, which involved opening in 2008, then breaking down?

Did you talk to locals (and avoid the trigger word which starts with D and rhymes with Ban)? Did you talk to interstaters who pity Melbourne as just too sad to be a rival city anymore?

If you answer yes to any of those questions, can we then also explain that since your survey result, a few months ago, the powers-that-be in Victoria have unofficially given up.

Melbourne feels like a British movie about the monotony of life in an 18th century mining town. Sometimes, the workers go to work. Sometimes, they don’t. The state and the capital is trapped in limbo. No one wants to look back, but nobody dares throw forward either.

The fall of Steven Miles as Queensland premier a few weeks ago freed up the worst-state-leader-in-the-nation category. Jacinta Allan who, to be fair, you’ve probably never heard of, is a worthy contender for the vacant title.

Just the other day, in a world first, her government catastrophically botched Year 12 exams, then pretended it hadn’t.

She told Victorians to get on the gas before tightening rules on the use of gas.

Interstaters pity Melbourne as just too sad to be a rival city anymore. Picture: Supplied

She promised not to padlock Victoria’s state forests before padlocking Victoria’s state forests.

House prices continue to fall in Victoria while they rise everywhere else. Some Victorians face selling homes which are worth less than their home loans.

Debt drives the state tax gouging. There is no Robin Hood dogma here: more, how do we squeeze more money from successful Victorians to pay the interest bill on failed major projects?

The problem with wealth taxes, of course, is that ordinary people end up paying for them. Land tax here goes up overnight, just ‘cos. Investment property owners cannot afford to pay; instead, they raise their rents, which they can, because there aren’t enough houses.

You can’t even say that today’s Victoria is where people should go to die. Don’t – it’s too expensive. Fees for smaller estates rose 650 per cent this month, while the highest fee is almost three times the fee of NSW.

True, Victoria still boasts some fun moments. The Melbourne Cup earlier this month sung to the rhythms of a brighter age. But such staples have been cut to exceptions. Few Victorians dare to celebrate them, lest their joy prompts a Sunshine Tax.

Disbelief and disillusionment is now the Victorian way.

Here, it’s not about making it better anymore, but smudging what is wrong. Confidence belongs to the other states. This engine has been stripped for spare parts. Once fantastic, Victoria is fantaxic. Its mojo has gone dodo. There is no governing for the people here, not unless blowing the books and clinging to power counts as a community service.

In short? May we humbly suggest that Melbourne is relegated in the most liveable city rankings to properly reflect the absence of hope each of its drivers feel when they hit yet another of those bloody potholes?

Yours,

One of the glum 6.82 million Victorians