‘I’m told you’ve said bad things’: When Donald Trump rings Kevin Rudd

Donald Trump phoned Kevin Rudd, and he didn’t skirt around the scathing comments the Aussie made about him. Read the full transcript written by Patrick Carlyon.

One of the first phone calls President-elect Donald Trump made after his election triumph was to Australia’s ambassador to the US, Kevin Rudd. A transcript of the chat has been released to News Corp.

Kevin Rudd: (squeaky) Hello?

Donald Trump: Is that Calvin?

R: My name is Kevin, I’m from Queensland, and I’m here to help.

T: Calvin, I’m told you’ve said some bad things about me. I’m told you’ve been a very baaaaad boy.

R: No, not me, Oh Gracious One Mr President. Check the interwebs, nothing there like that.

T: But you are that Austrian fellow, aren’t you? The one who uses big words?

R: I’ve been known to throw around the odd reference to detailed programmatic specificity, yes. I can talk Chinese, too. Ni Hao.

T: And you’re also the clown who said I was the most destructive president in history?

R: No, I didn’t say that, well, not in my current role as Australia’s ambassador. But if I did say it, there’s no record of it anywhere. It’s been unsaid. Like, it never happened. Check X.

Kevin Rudd will be Australia’s ambassador to the US under the Trump administration. Picture: AFP

T: You also called me a traitor.

R: As I said, Oh Righteous One Mr President …

T: Hang on …

(Trump puts down the phone. Background sound of geriatric groaning then a toilet flushing. Trump appears to forget all about his call to Calvin and plays a round of golf – four holes-in-one! – before giving an interview to Fox & Friends about his promise to protect women, whether they want protecting or not, and his plans to build more walls, not only on the southern border, but to the north as well, “cos those crazy ass Canadians, you know, they’ll want a piece once I make America great again”.

Trumps returns four hours and 19 minutes after putting down the office phone and apparently notices it off the cradle.)

T: Hello?

R: Oh Magnificent One Mr President, I’m still here.

T: Oh shit. Calvin?

R: Your obedient servant, Oh Holy One Mr President.

T: Hey, I spoke to your boss earlier. Is it Alan? Andy?

R: Anthony, yes.

T: What does he say about your staying in this role?

R: He said to grovel, if you called, to cause the least offence as possible so that I can concentrate on the big issues of the day, such as his bold plans to redesign the fire pit at his new beach house in Copacabana.

Kevin Rudd previously made scathing comments about Donald Trump. Picture: Noah Willman

T: (clicks fingers, sings) Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl

With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there …

R: Oh Almighty One Mr President, something my mum taught me years and years and years ago is life’s too short to carry around a great bucketload of anger and resentment and bitterness and hatreds and all that sort of stuff.

T: (still singing) His name was Rico. He wore a diamond …

R: Excuse me, Your Majesty Mr President, I’d like to take the opportunity to clear this up so we can move towards a sustained and fruitful friendship between our two great nations.

T: Do the chorus with me, Calvin.

(both speakers, despite some initial sobbing from Calvin, heartily sing the signature verse of the Barry Manilow hit.)

T: Now, Calvin, what do I do with you?

R: (sniffily) I do not know if I will be in this place for a short or a long time. That is for others to decide. But what I do know is that I have no intention of being here for the sake of just being here.

T: Awesome, yeah. Look, Calvin, I’ve had a good day. I’m feeling charitable. Hell, my running mate once compared me to Hitler, and I’ll make him the next president, whenever that is. I’m thinking 2036, assuming he coughs up a 90th birthday present.

R: That’s good news, Your Highness Mr President.

T: OK, let’s wrap this up. What do you say?

R: Pardon?

T: Come on, give it up.

R: I don’t understand.

T: Say sorry, like now.

R: (squeaky). I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.

T: I can’t hear you.

R: On behalf of the Australian people, and the Rudd family in particular, I apologise for defaming your unimpeachable name ….

T: (sing song) Still can’t hear you.

R … and I most humbly trust and believe that your reign over the greatest country on Earth will be …

T: OK, Calvin. You’re fired.

(long pause, more muffled sobs from Calvin’s end of the line)

T: Calvin, you still there? Calvin, my man? Just kidding, Calvin.