Aussie mums ‘juggling’ work and family putting marriages under serious strain

AUSTRALIAN women’s marriages are under impossible stress, with the juggling required of mothers “the major presenting issue” at marriage counselling. But solutions can be found to fix the unique strain relationships are under. TIPS: HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK.

AUSTRALIAN women’s marriages are under “impossible” stress in their forties and couples need to take steps to preserve their intimacy, experts say.

Demographer Bernard Salt has warned pressures from work, money worries, family and household load, aspirational society expectations and parenting standards mean peak stress on women’s relationships in midlife.

He says financial pressures mean more unhappy couples are staying together in a “semi happy Australian marriage sham”, but solutions can be found to the unique stress relationships are under.

SUNDAY HERALD SUN’S SECRET LIFE OF MUMS:

PART 1: MIDDLE AGED MUMS USING ALCOHOL TO COUNTER STRESS

PART 2: PRESSURE ON WORKING MUMS AT A ‘TIPPING POINT’

“It’s almost like, ‘Let’s design the most impossible workload ever, for women in their 40s at this time in history’,” he said.

“You would say have a family, have a full-time career, live in an aspirational society where it’s no longer acceptable to have Coolangatta holiday in a caravan park you have to have a Jetstar holiday to Bali.”

Relationships Australia senior clinician Jayne Ferguson says “juggling” required of mothers aged between their late 30s and early 50s with jobs, is “the major presenting issue” at marriage counselling.

“It’s not that some are doing it and others aren’t, everybody is juggling.

“We’re seeing an increase in conflict around role responsibility, not feeling heard or supported by a partner,” says Ferguson.

Experts say conflict in couples is increasingly due to role responsibility. Picture: iStock

The impact on the juggle is most often felt by the female partner. A gap in intimacy in marriages is widening as a result, “that’s a fairly common presentation”, when in many cases the main thing the female partner needs is acknowledgment.

Melbourne counselling sex therapist Lucia Bitonti says couples’ sex lives are being impacted by “the mental load” of the work-family juggle going “to bed with you”.

“You get hooked into the adrenaline of that merry-go-round of performing roles, ticking off things to be done … things get a bit lost particularly around self-care and pleasure.

“It we’re not experiencing pleasure in our lives, we’re not going to feel sexual desire.”

Melbourne University senior sociology lecturer, Dr Leah Ruppanner, says now dual earner families are the norm, it is asking too much of relationships to absorb increasing levels of demand without proper support.

“People are just exhausted, probably the first thing to go is intimacy with a partner. People are protecting time with kids, and protecting time with work.

“I would speculate that what you’ll find in couples in which (the load) isn’t equal, you’re going to see the biggest strain on the marriage: conflict, fighting.”

Prue and Ben Gilbert schedule in couple catch-ups to keep their bond strong. Picture: Ian Currie

Melbourne couple Prue and Ben Gilbert, parents of three children under seven and owners of a business supporting parents to manage family and career, protect their own marriage by scheduling in couple catch-ups.

“We schedule an agenda item: when are we going to invest in us, it is part of the (work/family) project, ” says Prue Gilbert.

“It sounds blunt and practical, but we’re quite strategic about it.”

Says Ben: “The challenge is, you’re so busy unless you plan for it, (intimate couple time) won’t happen.”

Prue says she sends occasional links to her husband of articles about keeping romance going, and will sometimes say “we need a six-second kiss, or six-minute hug”.

Psychologist Sabina Read says to protect intimacy, it is vital couples take into account the cumulative stress which can be acutely experienced by the working mother lacking adequate support.

“A lot of us feel we are spinning too fast in a culture that perpetuates it. Nobody’s circuit-breaking. We feel like we’re being pulled along.

“Sex is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and each other. It’s a by-product of connection and respect. If I’m carrying a load no one understands, that is generally what makes us not want to give in that space.”

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Psychologist Sabina Read says protecting intimacy in a relationship is important.

MARRIAGE INSURANCE — HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK

* When you feel stresses mounting, seek counselling before you hit crisis point.

* Have healthy conversations about what you need from each other.

* Remind yourselves what it is that brought you together in the first place.

* Try to do the types of fun things together that you used to enjoy doing.

* Loaded up mothers, especially, can try to reduce guilt about not ‘being at’ everything with children, and saving time for self care.

* Try to stay curious with each other

* Spend time talking each day, do quick check-ins and a regular 20-minute conversation together about yourselves, not kids.

* Aim for a culture of meaningful communication that is not tension-ridden

— Sources, Jayne Ferguson, Sabina Read, Bernard Salt