What to do when your sex styles don’t match up

You go left, they go right

When we all have our own tastes, desires and fantasies, meeting someone who matches your moves in the bedroom is one of life’s greatest challenges. Because while dating is hard enough, finding a partner who picks the same positions and pushes off at the same pace is an entirely different ball game. 

I was recently ghosted, which is a low blow at best, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of ‘thank god’. Because even though he ticked plenty of boxes on paper, there was just one thing I couldn’t get around.

He was a hard and fast jack hammer, too focused on up and down penetration, while I needed more grating, clitorally focused sensations. 

Somatic sexologist Alice Child sums it up best. “I like to describe this as the difference between f**king and screwing,” she tells Body+Soul. “Screwing is that sort of slower, rotating, grindy, circular motion, as opposed to that in and out motion which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.” 

Hence, the orgasm gap. 

So, tea and saucer put down, I gathered my thoughts and went straight to sex educator Eleanor Hadley on what to do when you and your new partner’s sex styles just don’t align. 

Different styles doesn’t spell bad sex

Don’t write your date off too soon, is the first thing I learnt from the sexpert who says varying approaches don’t mean you can’t live happily ever after. 

“I think often it’s less about the sex being good or bad, because I don't necessarily believe in good sex or bad sex,” the sexpert tells Body+Soul. “It's more like, are you on the same page? Have you inquired about their desires? Have you expressed yours? Because a lot of the time people go into sex with almost this template or like we’re all wearing our own sort of glasses and we all have our own prescription.” 

In other words, we’ve all got our own routines down pat and we expect others to meet us there without exploring their desires. “What a lot of people do is they have this blueprint for what works with previous partners, and then they just take that and implement it with a new person, despite them having a totally different body, different desires and different anatomy.”  

The solution? Taking the time to inquire about what makes sex good for both of you. 

So here’s what to say and when. 

In the shower? Yay or nay? Image: Unsplash

Before sex 

“Beforehand could look like this really fun foreplay,” the sex educator says. “So you could say, ‘Tell me what kind of things you really like, tell me what type of touch you like the most, do you have any desires or fantasies, and what's your favorite position?”

“Things like this can create that foreplay and sense of anticipation, and also you start to learn about the other person. So instead of going in with your own script that you usually follow, you’ve had a chat beforehand and know that this person said they like this, but not that, so you already know not to do X but to do Y instead.”

Hadley also recommends conversation card games. “There are ones that are really tailored to sex and intimacy, and I think they’re such a great icebreaker and a really sexy way to bring up the conversation about sex,” she explains.  

Talking gets you everywhere. Source: iStock

During sex

“I’m such an advocate for speaking up during sex,” the sexpert says. “So if there's something that you're like, ‘I'm just not enjoying this, I'm bored, this doesn't feel as nice as it could or this actually feels painful’, I need you to speak up. I need you to use your voice. And I know it can feel scary and sometimes as women we feel like we are the ones that sex happens to."

"But remember that you are a sovereign being and that you have desires and needs and you deserve to be able to speak up and say, ‘That doesn't feel good, that position is hurting a bit’, or ‘How about we try this’, or ‘Hey, could you use your thumb and rub circles around my clit right now’."

“Say exactly what you need, and it doesn't have to be demanding or bossy or telling them that they're doing something wrong. Like the other day I requested a certain type of touch from my partner and later he was like, ‘I love it when you tell me what you want’.

“Like it's really, really helpful because people can't read your mind. And otherwise what happens is you kind of bring this sense of resentment into sex because you’re like, ‘Oh god he just didn’t touch my clit’. Well tell him. Give people a hand.” 

Tell me what you need, baby. Image: iStock

After sex

“I love that post-sex there is this kind of glow versus grow conversation,” Hadley says. “So you can talk about the highlights, the glow moments, like, ‘What did you like best? What was your favourite part of that?’. Or, ‘I loved it when you did X, Y and Z’. So you're kind of reinforcing, ‘I love that touch’ or ‘That position was great for me’. And your partner can take note.  

Then comes the grow section. “Rather than being like, ‘When you did this, it sucked and I hated it’, you want to be gentle with the language and you could say, ‘Hey, next time I'd love it if you do this instead of that’. Or ‘Next time, can we try this? Like, I'd love to be on top, that would feel really good for me’. Or, ‘I'd really like it if we could explore sex in a mirror’, or something like that.”

By offering these little suggestions, and not in a combative, critical way, you open up the conversation to make changes and grow, and that goes both ways. 

“I think sometimes we get hyper fixated on ourselves and we're like, ‘Oh I want them to know this and this and this’,” explains the sex coach. “But we should also inquire about them by asking, ‘How can I make sex even better for you?’. And then they can ask that back.”

She adds that it’s incredibly important to be an equal partner when it comes to sex, and that one person's pleasure isn't more important than the other. 

“You want to think about how you can work together to have the best experience for both of you, whether it's at the same time or taking it in turns, that will depend on your body and your desires,” Hadley explains. “But I do think it's really, really important to be like a team when it comes to sex.”

Originally published as What to do when your sex styles don’t match up