The biggest barrier to sex? For nearly half the country (48 per cent) it’s feeling stressed and burnt out, according to the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census, and to be honest no one is shocked by this result. 

“I was like, that makes sense, based on the couples I see, that makes so much sense,” clinical psychologist and couples therapist Phoebe Rogers tells Body+Soul. “They say life is busy, they’re tired, they have busy careers and they’re building those, and then there’s the financial pressure of working, providing, doing longer hours, staying back more, and all of that stress can just kill libido and kill any desire.” 

Which is often all part of the bigger picture. “Not having sex is more commonly the symptom of emotional disconnection,” Rogers says. “Clients will come to me saying, ‘We're fighting, we're not talking, we're not close, we're emotionally disconnected’, which can also mean that there's very little sex and intimacy as well.” 

While stress tops the list of things getting in the way of sex, having less energy comes in second (36 per cent), followed by getting older (34 per cent), feeling disconnected from your partner (32 per cent) and having no time because of the pace of life (30 per cent). Other factors include work (16 per cent) and cost of living stress (16 per cent).

Now that’s all a lot to be worrying about. So how do we deal with it? 

#1. Put yourself first

“A happy individual makes a happy couple,” the dating and relationship coach says. “So things like self-care, exercise, eating well, turning technology off and having boundaries around work.” Take time for yourself and your own mental health. 

#2. Work on connecting

“Some couples will walk through the door and won’t even say ‘hi’ to each other,” Rogers explains. “They just go with the kids and the chaos. But those small moments of connection, those rituals, are really important. So work on connecting conversations and build in the physical touch.” Like a hello hug or a goodbye kiss.

#3. Make time to spend together

It could be as simple as going for a walk, suggests the clinical psychologist. Or, if you can, a weekend away. Just escaping the hustle and bustle of life gives you the chance to focus on you as a couple. 

#4. Plan dates for each other

“I think with date nights, a lot of women say to me, ‘It's not just the night, it's the idea that my partner has planned this for me, that they thought about it, that I get to linger in the excitement of thinking that, and then the lead up to it’,” the couples therapist says. “Then you have this nice connection and you feel closer, and all of that then supports sex and intimacy. So have date nights, even if it’s just once a month, that’s better than nothing at all.” 

#5. Schedule intimacy 

It doesn’t even have to be sex. “Start with touch exercises like laying beside each other and touching, or hopping in the shower together. “ 

#6. Be in the moment

“How tired are you and can you work through that, because I often think it’s like a mental block,” Rogers explains. “But if you actually allow yourself to be in that moment with your partner and to give time and space and just to relax, maybe you’ll get there [to sex].”

#7. Show compassion

Especially if you’ve got children. “Be realistic, be compassionate and understanding with each other,” says the expert. “You know, sometimes it’s a phase and it’s the stage of life that you’re in with kiddies, but I think don’t let it go too far. Especially if the emotional connection isn’t there, then things aren’t going to be looking good, so I’d try to get some help if you can.”

#8. Communicate

“I think it's everything because people often have this lens like, ‘It's me, they’re not attracted to me’, and they just have no idea,” Rogers explains. “They think they’ve talked about it and they have talked about it in some way, but they’ve talked about it in passing or without depth or without connecting it back to a really vulnerable past moment or experience. And so they never quite get to the level that it needs to. But you need to talk about it often enough and be able to get to this depth and vulnerability so that you can understand the meaning of the disconnection or whatever's going on.”

What are the results of working on your sex life? 

Well, better sex for one thing. But Rogers says the outcomes are endless. “Feeling more known, feeling more understood, feeling more like a team, feeling like your life is going in the same direction and feeling like you’re back on the same page,” she explains. 

“One couple I'm working with at the moment, they’re just worked and worked and worked, and every time I see them I have tears in my eyes because it’s just so beautiful. He’s done the work on himself. She's understood her patterns. And now they’re a lot more intimate and close and on the same page.”